Disclaimer: From the jump let me make just one thing clear..These are my opinions on this matter. I am a very opinionated person; and I make no apology for it..The catalyst for this post was yet another UNsolicited suggestion; that I need to LOWER my standards & expectations or be single for far longer than I wish to be. Of course not only do I disagree..I’ve got a few comments to say on the state of Black Love Relationships. Including those that consider themselves oh, so fortunate! to be in BAD relationships..Ever hear that old adage @ I can do bad all by myself? Oh and! How about this one that I live by @ I’d rather BE single than to be part of a relationship I know is BAD/ill-suited/& not couple- compatible from the get-go? >
Make no mistake about it, Black Love, does still exist(my parents just celebrated 51 years of marriage & still IN love) …but the dynamics of it has changed. In more ways than 1 and for more than 1 reason…>
Let it be noted before I delve any deeper into this..I simply LOVE my brothers! Hands down I do, with all my BEing..I am in full support of/participated in co-raising 3 heckified beautiful Black princes/am the daughter of an OUTSTANDING Black Daddy/am the sister of an amazing Black & loyally married brother(key word there is LOYAL..that still matters) /exwife & ex yet still very, very good friend to an awesome Black brother who is a #1 Dad/& Sista friend to a host of Black brothers who I’m blessed to be able to call devoted friends..Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way; onto why a particular brother’s comments on MY marital status disappointed me so very much(& is the fuel behind this post)…>
I think there is an assumption & presumption that when a sexy, smart sister is single it means…a. she has set her standards TOO high b. has unrealistic expectations of a man/relationship c. thinks she deserves more based on what a brother can do for her financially(also known as a gold digger) and won’t link up with the average brother…..But what hasn’t been considered?!? Based on just simple, basic! things that a woman desires in a man; its very SLIM pickings out there. Exclamation point. Period..Lets see if I can explain this properly.. 1. OMG is having a decent conversation toooo much to ask for these days?!? WithOUT hearing about the size of my butt! (IF I hear 1 more comment about it I will scream; what IS wrong with these younger brothers on the East Coast? ) WithOUT hearing about my looks or my hair or that I look Spanish and not Black…Miss me with all of it/grow UP/man UP..I’ve tired of being polite; cause some of us were raised by mother who taught us manners. But you’ve got to step UP your game , to the least, to get past all of the compliments quickly and move onto to a decent conversation. Going on & on & on just makes it appear as if you aren’t capable of holding a decent conversation…and personally? My time is tight & precious..talk to me about something other than ME..or don’t waste your breath. Moving right along>
*Black love statistics & then back to my very real commentary*= Recent estimates of single, Black women: 60% -70%(thats a whopper amount) . Employment rate for Black men current approx & record low:56.9% . (love without finance is not fun; it takes 2 incomes these days to make it as a couple) More than TWICE as many Black men married someone of another ethnicity; then Black women(roughly 22% to 8%..so doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this is making the amount of fish in the pond smaller for Black women to be chosen by..) . 70% of Black children are born to single Black Mothers. (wait, there is NO such thing as a single mother..can’t have a baby alone…WHAT is this saying about Black men??? can have sex with Black women but not put a ring on IT? *slapping forehead*) 41% of Black women have never married. 43% of Black men have never married..backintheday when my folks married; you didn’t have SEX without a ring on it..how things have changed for the worse) 70% of 1st Black marriages are ending in divorce. So IF you’re on your 1st marriage & Black..odds are you’re not going to make it. Especially if you don’t even enter the marriage in love; which by the way the brother who said I needed to lower my standards admitted.. Never been IN love; yet currently married. I just can’t wrap my mind around the many questions of why..and then people are shocked instantly into the marriage there are major , major issues. As IF. I’d be more shocked if there weren’t..>
Going to see if I can break this down from what, I think, is the beginning of this chaotic situational situation…I’m about finding solutions to problems & after I break this down? I’ll do my best to lay down what I think is a simple start to a solution..The good news? What is broken down can be built back UP; but it will take time/consistency/& desire to get back to the basics. Now the tough part that will more than likely make some of my Black sisters hate on me…though if they let this sink in & chew on it the concept really does make sense. First of all I am & will always be a proud woman’s libber. I adore being a woman & all things in support of women. I am for a woman being respected and judged based on her “own” merit. I’ve been known to say I’m far more than a pretty face. I mean that 100%..one thing I think men often forget? The true beauty in a woman is beneath her appearance. It is her heart! , her spirit, her essence and her inner-soul. Nevertheless what I sincerely feel began the rapid decline of Black Love relationships is = Women’s Lib. Yep, somehow we got sucked IN way backintheday to thinking that our INdependence was #1. Question that is begging to be answered now is..At what cost was/is our independence worth? And independent from what? Real & intimate & necessary LOVE relationships & our children who we allowed to be raised by strangers for 8 entire hours a day??? (add that up and its alot of time children are away daily from their parents…) The fall out from what was really caused by women’s lib? How many HAPPY married Black folks do you know?(let me quickly insert here my parents are) Think about it…I’ll wait. >
So the fall out began from women’s lib..The woman suddenly felt just taking care of home..i.e..her husband & children full time..wasn’t a worthy full time job. Thus, children were raised primarily (40 -45 hrs a week is the bulk of the waking week days..) by strangers…think about when did kids behavior overall become as disrespectful as it is now? When did the use of DRUGS on children become prevalent? I don’t recall soooo many kids on ADD meds backintheday when I was in elementary…used to just call them hyper kids! And what about tending to her husband? After a full day of work and then home to tend to dinner & the kids(is anyone doing homework with children anymore??? taking kids to the library anymore? reading with kids anymore???) how many nights is a wife NOT feeling like tending to her husbands needs? And that causes men to do what? Or one of the causes…stray. I have to say for the record I have never seen or heard of SO many people cheating or willing to cheat on their marriage; as these days. Its out of control…why even be married if you’re not going to attempt to stay loyal? Tiger Woods is a prime example…wtH? Anyways I digress, but y’all get the gist>
So now we’ve got generation upon generation of people from broken homes..Whats worse is then some Black fathers don’t even stay involved with their children after the break up..As IF its the child they’re also breaking off with. I will never understand nor be able to RESPECT a man that hasn’t tended to his children. How in the world you can not care for your own seed is beyond me..even wild animals tend to their babies/offspring. And IF a man doesn’t take care of his own seed; what makes a woman think he cares about her. There is no logic in that. With the rising cost of living it is almost impossible to raise a child on one income..this is where oldschool type families SHOULD step in to help..it truly does take a village these days..Lest we forget our African roots..But that is another long topic for another time. These are just but a couple ways women’s lib began the descent of the Black family & Black love..as a woman that is a sobering , sad thought. How do we get back what WE had? Because in trying to sort through the broken pieces out here as a single woman ready to date? I’m just glad I’m happy & content with my life..or I’d be one miserable woman waiting for an eligible suitable ‘the 1″. Never mistake the fact that I talk about yearning to be in love again or married; for being unhappy. I’m very happy & hopefully I can will into existence what I wish for by talking or writing about it. I believe in that@Think it. Dream it. Make it happen.
My biggest problem? I’ve got standards; some say too high. I not only look for physical attractiveness ; but a man’s character matters to me. His consistency/keeping his word/his heart shining through in his actions/he has good COMMUNICATION skills and can hold a decent conversation/he is kind/He is a Believer(that should’ve been #1 on the list)/he respects his Mother, this is a must, and women. Tip for my brothers reading this..When you disrespect your marriage/wife by hitting on me..you also disrespect ME. And I won’t allow that or myself to stoop to your level..Just because you don’t respect your marriage..doesn’t mean I’m going to . Last but not least IF having such standards makes me greedy or stuck on my self. Then so be it..really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me. What matters most is what I think/feel about myself. I think being in love matters for longevity in a relationship/marriage. Even if its not the first marriage; it still matters. And in my book it always will.
The path to get things back to the way they were; I think begins with choosing potential spouses/signficant others based on more than their looks or sex…When something, anything, isn’t built on a good foundation…it falls apart. People think they can change people. Can’t! All that happens is you’ll waste alot of time & youth trying..unhappily. I’d not trade a day of being single for that. Isn’t that called HELL? Until I read/write y’all again stay uplifted & blessed. 4ever sincere , Berna (the 1 & only)