Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

**OTHERHOOD**40s, 50s, Childless, Never Married**Their Perspective Revealed>>

I won’t and can’t lie…I can’t relate to this piece…However, now that I’ve been single & celibate for 3 years(though actively dating someone I dig alot..a whole lot!) I find myself trying to understand all aspects of the dating spectrum…My hair was blown back by the open nature and honesty of this write..At 51 yrs old and UNmarried; my biggest fear is entering old age alone..ALONE..MY parents attend even random doctor appointments TOGETHER..Shopping, etc..whatever they do together…As much as I dig my independence I MISS being part of a forever union..Knowing that someone always has my back..Good , bad or ugly…There IS comfort in that…Having said all of that I’ve a silent respect for those who are still patiently waiting on ‘the One’..It is hard for me to imagine waiting & waiting & waiting on love until well into the 50s…I’m just NOT that patient!

IF anyone can relate to this woman’s perspective, feel free to comment…I was captivated from word one!

I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me….

October comes in innocently enough, stretching the edges of summer into fall. But then, one night, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold chill touches my shoulders like a former lover I’ve tried to shake from memory. I shiver. My heart falls; I know that another long winter is approaching and I’m still alone.

I hadn’t planned it this way. I have always been open to love and relationships. I have held on to hope and to expectations and to dreams and to grief and to men I should have let go of much sooner. I have been high on love and tip-toed on top of clouds. And I’ve lost my breath under a dark cloud, wondering why it’s so hard for me to have the long, meaningful relationship I deserve.

I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. I’m focused on the moment I’m in right now. This is life. This is my life. And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin.

Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. He swivels to face me, smiling, and I smile back. The date is off to a great start. But soon enough, his tone changes. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin.

First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. They describe their marriage and how it concluded, or why their recent long-term relationship finally had to end, as Brian’s had earlier this year. “We argued so much it no longer felt good to be in the relationship,” he volunteers. And now, as these exchanges go, it’s my turn to share why I’m still single.

“Have you ever been married?” Brian asks.

“No,” I say.

“Have you come close? Like engaged or lived with someone?”

“Nope,” I add.

Brian presses his lips together in judgment. “When was your last long-term relationship?” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one.

“It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his.

“But you’re attractive and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single. “Like how long?” my date continues. “How many years?” He wants details. He wants to hear proof that he’s right about his assumption that there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, he thinks, she can’t commit.

“I don’t even know,” I say with a smile and a nonchalant shrug. And I’m being honest. I don’t know. I don’t know how many men I’ve gone out with or how many men I’ve kissed or been intimate with or how many men I’ve lost to what was simply not meant to be. I don’t count the men because, in the end, they are all one closer to one that will be the One.

“That’s OK,” Brian offers as consolation. “Some people aren’t interested in having a serious relationship.”

I immediately find myself rising up to my own defense and resent us both for having to do so. “Does it mean I’m interested in having a serious relationship if I stay in one too long because I don’t know how to leave or because I can’t bear to be on my own?” I ask. “I never married the wrong guy or pretended to be happy in a relationship when I wasn’t. And it hasn’t always been my choice for a relationship to end. I’ve been in love. I’ve wanted to be in love forever with some of the men I’ve dated. My heart has been broken,” I add.

My date seems unsympathetically relieved at this last note. My black-and-blued heart is proof to him that I’ve gone to battle for love. But I’m more focused on the fact that I’ve survived and have moved forward than on the battles I’ve lost.

“So, what’s the issue?” he asks. “I can’t believe you would still be single. You must be picky.”

We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot.

“Of course I’m picky,” I say with confidence. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.”

My date pours more wine into my glass from the carafe we’re sharing. Our conversation moves on to entrepreneurship, a passion we share. He goes first, and I’m sincerely impressed. And then I share my work and the business I’ve grown over the last seven years. But for my date, he’s not so much interested in my work, but in how my career might be the root-cause of my singlehood.

“Some people choose to focus on their careers and some choose to have families,” my date says emphatically, making the assumption that because I haven’t had a family, I’ve made my choice.

“I didn’t choose to have a career over falling in love, getting married and having children,” I reply, my voice again slightly raised. “I can control many aspects of my career, but I cannot choose when and with whom I fall in love and who returns the love to me. I didn’t plan to be single at 45 or not to have children.”

“I have a friend who admits she spent too much time focused on her career and not her dating life,” Brian says, like it’s a diagnosis: “Career-Womanitis.”

“Women don’t often forget to fall in love. They don’t often forget to have children. Sure, time passes faster than we’d all prefer, but if someone wants to be in a relationship, and most women do, then we find a way to do that when a man who wants the same thing is present in our lives,” I reply. “Women are better multitaskers than men are in general, so I don’t buy into the ‘too focused on career’ script modern women have been given instead of the truth: Despite having a great career and taking care of ourselves financially, while also taking care of our health and well-being, we haven’t met the man we’re meant to be with.”

“Maybe you’re too independent,” Brian suggests, more to himself as he looks down his mental list of possible reasons for my singlehood.

“I’m independent,” I reply. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be dependent on someone else for a change. We keep hearing about how women should ‘lean in.’ I am leaning in so far that I’m falling over. I don’t have a net, emotionally or financially, to fall back on. What I would do to be able to lean back for once. What I would do to have a man in my life whom I could count on when times are tough…”

Brian is running out of arguments. I’m running out of patience.

“Brian, if you spend the rest of our date searching for what’s wrong with me, you’ll never discover what’s right with me,” I say, trying to soothe us both into another topic of conversation. “I have no regrets. I’m living a life I never dreamed of in many respects. Yes, I wanted to be married and become a mom in my twenties, but here I am, in my forties, with all my bumps and bruises, still in the ring, unwilling to give up on love.”

My date seems satisfied, at least for now, and we begin to chat about other things. As we leave the bar later that night, Brian gives me a hug. “You’re shivering,” he says, sweetly. “Let me get you into a cab.” He hails a cab and asks me for a second date.

“Yes,” I say. “I’d like that.” I’m open to a relationship, after all.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says with his handsome smile as he opens the cab door.

I smile back as I get in the cab. I am happy to be out of the chill.

Melanie Notkin’s second book, OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness (Seal Press/Penguin Canada), is available now. OTHERHOOD received a prestigious *starred review* by Bookli

Posted in **RELIGIOUS**, @Cultural, LOVE

**Lady in Waiting**(waiting on love..)

..Will God lay it at your feet? How long should you wait on God to send HIM? Will you know the signs that ‘the one’ has been sent from God? Limitless questions that seem to inspire more questions…>>>

Proverbs 31:10-31King James Version (KJV)

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies….

Exactly what IS a woman of virtue? As Christians we’re taught(correct me if I’m wrong..) that a woman of virtue is pure, upstanding in good character, and waits to be plucked by ‘the one’ sent by God to love only her..But what about those of us who are divorced or will never be virgins again?? Are we also supposed to wait, again? My interpretation of this scripture translates to pure of heart..

virtuous
adj
1. characterized by or possessing virtue or moral excellence; righteous; upright
2. (of women) chaste or virginal

heartwoman

I think we all interpret things; differently…Also I find that we often pick & choose what scripture we want to emulate or believe in…Is a woman any less virtuous if she employs an active hand in determining her ‘fate’? Do WE sit at home waiting for any other opportunity(i.e..career, investments etc..) to knock on our doors? The answer is simple..No, we don’t…In that aspect we use our God-given talents; to achieve our goals..Why isn’t that the same universal sentiment for Christian women seeking love? Why are so many of the belief that God is going to do it ALL? One must do their part, good works, to gain anything in this life..Right? There have been phases of praying for discernment in my life(I’m in the midst of one now..); in which I am listening to the ear of my heart..It’s my belief there IS a healthy balance between actively looking (or broadening our exposure, circles..) for a life-partner & waiting for God to send one into our lives..Being passive doesn’t get anyone anywhere! If this is truly the case then why do we hear of so many(including the video clip I posted..) willing to ‘just’ wait??? Doesn’t that mean they don’t trust their own judgement/choices at all? IF a woman’s heart is pure and she is a woman of God; can’t she be guided/led by him to choose a life-partner? Or at the least attempt to step out of her comfort zone(online dating sites, broadening social circles, etc…) in order to be discovered? Real questions. Real thoughts that I wanted to share with y’all..Feel free to chime in or share from your experiences..Stand UP women of virtue and speak on it…

Posted in =Self Discovery=, @Cultural

^Pondering Emotion

Ponder this…

**Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think? **

Sigmund Freud believed that mental illness came from ‘repressed emotions’ in the unconscious mind. He believed that release & acceptance of these denied or repressed emotions & memories were VITAL for mental health. If this emotional energy wasn’t released , Freud noted it led to physiological symptoms and illnesses…>> Memorized this many moons ago when I studied psychology..For some reason or other , this Freudian tidbit came to mind while reflecting on why my emotions free-fell to anger after watching a video clip last night..

A friend sent me a video clip last night..My first reaction to it was anger..Not seething; but full of passion! And immediate..So much so that I didn’t finish watching the clip until much later..Curiosity forced me to finally watch it. At the time I didn’t realize why it made me feel angry..I’ve not “personally” experienced the sentiment expressed in the video clip..Yet , I took it personally. It was hard to watch and swallow..As a Black woman it hurts to feel judged & stereotyped(as a group) by everyone–especially those that we’ve stood by ALL of our lives. Black men. I later realized my feelings of anger directly translated to ; my realization of the myriad of reasons the gap is getting larger @The disconnect between Black men & women. As a single Black divorcee that makes me “feeeeeel” sad, disappointed, abandoned, a sense of betrayal and yep, angry…Briefly! We’re all freeee to do who! or whatever we choose to do..But dang, dangit & dayuum why heave us under the bus! The description @Angry Black Woman has never been applied to me as an individual; but it doesn’t mean I can’t/don’t/and won’t express and feel anger from time to time..We live in a culture that views expressing anger as taboo. My personal belief? Holding it in & denying it isn’t good for our spirit..I’m hopeful to write more on that & this topic at a later date… So anyways, that led me to ponder/reflect/wonder why we feel the emotions we do..Just wanted to give a little backstory on the prompt of the thoughts that inspired this piece ..Again I pose the question@ ** Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think?**

I’m sharing the actual clip in the spirit of seeking insight..Curious what , if any, emotions are evoked when y’all take a peek. From any perspective..As a woman. As a man. Of any race..In my experience emotion transcends all..Especially the greatest which , of course, is love! But I digress and badly.. If you feel the need to share then just know this is an emotion-friendly zone! Let it flow…



Special thanks to my friend for , again, broadening my scope of knowledge

Posted in Telling it like it 'TIS

>>>BEAUTY vs. BRAINS >>> For Grown Men Only * Poll Alert

Alright here we go that age OLD question@ Do MEN prefer beauty or brains when they chose their significant other? Or better yet IF y’all had to choose one or the other, beauty or brains, which would you choose when choosing your lady? And yep, this question is for men only. The topic came up with a male friend of mine & his response blew my hair back! Not that I was born yesterday nor am I naïve; I just thought things might have changed by now. Haven’t they? >>

Now I clearly understand the biological makeUP of men is different from women.. I get that! Men were created to have a strong drive to procreate with as many women as possible..Google it if you don’t believe me. And backintheday when I was a tad bit younger(and dating guys the same age..); I half expected the motives of men to be somewhat fueled by the above fact. Matter of fact like many other little girls my Daddy taught me long ago @ ‘ What most guys truly desire is what is between your legs..’ But , but doesn’t that change as we age, evolve and progress? In my heart of hearts , and this might sound naïve, I thought(or so I’ve been told by my suitors & exhusband) that when a man looks to choose his woman; he’s looking for far more than just SEX. Isn’t that the case for the majority of men? Let me take this one step further..>>

I love being a woman. Every single thing about being a woman..In the dictionary next to the word feminine should be a picture of ME. My favorite color is pink. I dig wearing dresses/skirts/and ultra feminine clothes during the week..All woman. Then again I also dig jumping in to my jeans & getting my strut ON. BUT just as men probably don’t want women to envision them as a big, fat wallet..I’d like to NOT just be thought of as just a pretty face. Long ago I recall a remark my Momma made..Right now I can’t recall who she was talking to; but I’ve never forgotten it. She said @’I am much more than just a pretty face you know!’ Exclamation mark. Period>>

So whats the scoop guys? And give up the non-censored straight-no-chaser answer..Because inquiring minds(all the women reading this…) really want to know. And us single ones; could truly use a heads UP for insight to how men think these days. Your opinion matters so the floor is yours..

Posted in **RELIGIOUS**, @Cultural, LOVE, Motivational!, ^Encouraging Words

From BOY to MAN

I simply could NOT pass up re-blogging this write..This young man gets IT

Let's Talk About It

Image

From BOY to MAN

Living under the roof of a two parent house hold, you learn the value of love. Life as a boy for me was mostly all about learning how to become a man. It’s nothing like having a father figure to help you understand how to walk, talk, treat a lady and firmly shake hands as well as look another man in his eye as respect. Understanding at a young age how to honor God and follow his commandments on top of respecting morals brings an abundance of wisdom and discernment to escape peer pressure and scope out trouble from miles away. Having morals and following his commandments proactively helped me as a boy think with my brain and not with my man hood. If I would have thought with my man hood it could have created issues that could have followed me when I became a…

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Posted in LOVE

^MALE Call..Its About High^ Time..

**Ask ANY single, eligible woman about her “LIST” and without even asking you to specify “what list”..Off she’ll go with giving you an INdepth description of what she longs for in a significant other. I believe it’s a list that begins to form in a woman’s mind from the time of little girlhood. (a Berna’ism so don’t look for that phrase in any dictionary) The List comes into existence all on its OWN. Compiled from the onset starting with HOW a little girl feels about her very own Father/Daddy/Pops/Dad/Pa..Add to that her life experiences & lessons learned in her love relationships. Here I go are y’all ready for this? I stay ready and I’m more than ready for my The One to discover me. Here is my new-revised-and-improved-“List”. –All I Want in a Man IS..–>>

#1..My “new” #1 has risen UP the list..It used-2-be far down in my ranking. My old #1 ‘was has to be highly attractive/fit’. Now? MUST BE A BELIEVER.. I’ve come to learn this is something I won’t compromise..Not only that there is really nothing to add to this . It’s a must for me. Exclamation mark. Period.

#2..COMMUNICATION skills. I’m a talker..I will without a shadow of a doubt tell/express to my future man what I need, what I desire, what I dream, what I think I want; everything and all things Bernadette. I am NOT yet good enough to read minds; nor do I have a desire to. That takes far too much work! I require & desire a man who can put more than 2 sentences together to express his thoughts/his dreams/his needs/his goals/his wants. Sidebar: His WORD must be bond. So I’m attaching trust-worthy onto this topic. I WILL believe what you say is true..So my future man must be reliable & stand by his word. He’ll say what he means & mean what he says. He’ll DO what he says he’s going to do. Or have a pretty dang good reason for not being able to do it. Or set a later date for being able to do so.

#3..MUST be a good Father. I have issues with a man not being a good Father. Simply can’t respect an absentee Father. I make NO excuse for feeling this way..and it goes far back into my past. Least 30 years & counting! IF you’re not MAN enough to have supported your own seed, financially & emotionally, then you’re not the MAN for me. Enough said. (truth be told this is another long topic for another time..) Oh! Exclamation point. Period.

#4 ALPHA characteristics..This has moved down the list but it’s still highly important to me in my significant other. My male counterpart. I’ve come to learn its a MUST. I have a higher level of respect for a man, as my man, that holds these qualities. I’ve a STRONG solid personality; and that’s the #1 reason I require this quality in my mate. As luck would have it; it’s also the type of brother I’m also very attracted to..

#5 Nice looking/fit/health conscious..Moved this down my list a bit..NOT because I don’t dig a brother that is good-looking; but because the aforementioned qualities matter more. Physical attraction does matter..Just isn’t my #1 anymore. As I’ve evolved. Hand in hand with this quality I’m piggy backing ..Personable/Sociable. I’m very much a people-loving-social-butterfly..Put me in a room of folks I don’t know; and minutes later I’ll be chatting with someone. Doesn’t matter the arena nor platform..So only makes sense I’d be attracted to someone with this quality. And I am.

#6 DRAMAless as humanly possible.. I don’t bring it/I don’t welcome it/I don’t need it in my life. Period. I come in peace/I welcome peace/I’ve no patience(nor time) for anything nor anybody who keeps drama floating around them or starts it. Period

#7 Good Heart! Highly important to me..I view/feel people I connect with from the inside out..The warm vibes I feel from a person, including friends, is what draws me to them. My vibe meter has rarely failed me(99.9% accurate so far) Natural compassion for others is something I’m attracted to in a man..Very

#8 Last but not least I can truly appreciate a positive thinker. There are enough things in life that can bring us down or draw tears from us..Takes much effort to always try hard to see the sunny side UP. Even on our darkest days there’s something we can find to smile about; IF we just recall to count our blessings.

**Well folks that’s my “list” I’m of the belief we can wish things into existence..Its called praying with intent. Or least that’s what I’ve found myself doing this past 2 years. And so far? Its yielded pretty good results…Hoping my list reels my biggest WISH for 2013 on in! Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4 ever sincere, Berna (the 1 N only)

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

>*>*When a Guy offers To help a Woman he IS….True or False?

This is an actual question I had to ponder long & hard before accepting help for my move this weekend..Had several offers from several guys; but since I wasn’t sure what their intent was/IS I said  politely thanks , but no thank U..Curious to see if any other single women find themselves in such a predicament..I’ve been TOLD by guy friends; that most of the time when a guy offers to help a single woman to do ANYthing; he IS trying to get into her panties. Really isn’t any way to sugar coat that..so I didn’t. So taking a poll to get this dialogue started; men!  & woman welcome..****When a guy offers to help a single woman out; his actual intentions are a sexual/intimate   proposition. True or False?

My answer, MY reality, is ….T. T for True. Before anyone gets all UPtight, huffy & righteous about that answer..riddle me this guys. And this isn’t a multiple choice response; go with the very first answers  that comes to mind. Ever offer to help a woman  you thought was ugly? Heard of the damsel in distress syndrome? Does helping a woman make you feel like a real man? With all honest I don’t ever recall a guy helping me “just” to help me..Their hidden agenda was always pretty clear. And while it might not have been offered just to get in my panties; my being attractive played part in it. I’ve talked to other women who have “wised” UP to this syndrome; and the unspoken rule is. a.  A  single woman should be careful accepting help from a man. b. A single  woman should be clear that her accepting isn’t a silent , Yes. c. IF a single  woman accepts help from a man she “is” feeling; thanking him with a flirty smile & genuine sincerity will almost certainly assure him the door is open for him. (the following quotes are from Lovepanky.com…>

A man’s ego swells when he helps a girl

When a man helps a woman, shows off his brute strength to her and gets thanked for it, he feels good about the whole thing. He feels more powerful and happy, knowing that he was able to impress a woman with his abilities. And when a man feels good about himself, he’ll obviously like the damsel in distress who helped him feel better about himself.

Most women hate a damsel in distress.

Men on the other hand, can’t help falling for damsels in distress.

For men, it’s just inevitable.

Every time a man sees a pretty lass who needs help, a slob of a man turns into a chivalrous knight in shining armor.

Well, at least until he’s made enough of an impression to make her fall for him.

Ask him to help you in a man’s job

Are you having trouble carrying something heavy? Do you need help fixing a car, or perhaps a door hinge? Or are you feeling nervous to walk down the street after dusk? Ask a man for help.

A man likes helping a woman when he feels like he’s doing a superior job. Make him assume there’s no way you could ever have made it through without his help and his ego will swell. He’ll definitely feel more like a man around you. And yes, he’ll like you for it.

~~~~~Problem IS I don’t do the damsel in distress act well; at all. When I ask for a guy’s help; I genuinely need it. Quite frankly I don’t “act” well either..I’m a believer in not playing games or acting out life. I’m living it in full color & with a very big paint brush. I’ve learned that men are created physically stronger; and IF you’re truly my friend I figure you should want to help me out! Because if you’ve paid attention you’ll have realized I don’t ask for help often..and when I do realize an unspoken “invite” is included in the offer I’ve no issue with politely silently or verbally saying NO. Part B is I won’t ever ask & I’ll instead find a way to do it myself. And where is the fun in that? Plus can’t we all get things accomplished faster in life(and sometimes more efficiently) with a little help from our friends? Yes, yep, and yea..

Posted in "Just for fun"

**Psychographic Profile: West Coast Men VS East Coast Men**

My very first request-sort of challenge-dare to write a piece on a certain topic..Stemming from a comment I made on a fellow blogger’s page(and she has an awesome site here@NottakenNotavailable; which is listed on my faves list) Here is my best foot forward in meeting that challenge. Y’all  ready ? Get set. Diving in feet first…>

Disclaimer: Feeling a need to first give a shout OUT to all my Cali friends..Love & miss y’all!(xoxoxoxoxox) To my new East Coast friends mad regard & appreciation for y’all as well..You’ve made my transition far easier than I ever anticipated. But as I am nearing leaving my dating hiatus; there are a few highly discernible differences I’ve noticed in MEN from Coast 2 Coast..Best as I can I’ll be fair to both coasts. Lets rap>

Style of Dress: It’s no secret that I adore Cali; and I’m sure I always will. But without a doubt the MEN here; outdress those on the West Coast. Mayhaps its because shorts/T’s/sandals can be worn majority of the year on the West Coast(beautiful weather & NO rainy season) ; is the reason even business dress is more relaxed than the East Coast. And while I still highly appreciate seeing a ‘fyne brother wearing the heck! out of a nice pair of jeans & a T..there is NO substitute for a well dressed brother in a suit.(or shirt & tie)  OMG talk about a work of pure art. Moving quickly off that topic before I digress..>

Personality Characteristics: Though I’ve only lived on the East Coast for just shy of 2 years,  yikes time flew!, I think a fair sum UP of the personality types of men is true to the known stereotypes. West Coast men are far MORE laid back, free-flowing, casual, peaceful, healthier!  & liberal in their beliefs. Having said that I also personally found men on  the West Coast to also be more; consistent in every way. Which I dig ! and is mandatory in my book. And though its been said Southern men follow the unspoken & spoken rules of a gentleman; I’ve found that case to be much more true for brothers I met/knew/friended/married on the West Coast.  I could be wrong; but my sense of people is usually true to a T. East Coast men appear to stick to their stereotypical qualities such as unfriendly, prim, stressed the hell OUT(need to take a chill pill for real…a natural one of course ) ,UPtight, and conservative in their views & dress. And I know those sound like funky qualities but I mean them in a respectful way..Sorry guys if nothing else I’m going to keep it real & call it the way I see IT. Lets move off this topic before I piss off the male friends I’ve got here. ‘Lubs’ y’all I do!..>

Attitudes/Behaviors:I don’t even know where to start with this topic; the differences are MAJOR. Personally? I don’t think East Coast men dance enough! Nor laugh enough..maybe the stereotype , which I’ve found to be true, about West Coasters being happier ..is cause they dance, dance, dance and laugh ALOT. My first girls & only girls night out dancing here? OMG I’ve never EVA in all of my life experienced anything like it. Perhaps its the place we chose. Perhaps its because the large majority of guys there were much younger. Perhaps they just didn’t know how to dance! I’m trying to think of any excuse for it..BUT there we were a group of very attractive women wanting to dance with MEN. And yet? The majority of the time we danced as a group or with one another..I mean wtH? And one of my friends said thats the NORM here. I looked at her like she’d just spoke Greek to me..I thought and you still come out to dance? Might as well just invite the girls over & dance at home. And then!? Slowly guys started coming onto the dance floor just standing there; watching. I felt like a go-go dancer entertaining them. As IF. I love dancing; I mean I really LOVE to dance. And even if I have to IMPORT a man from the West Coast to marry ; there will be dancing and lots of it in my relationship. Never knew that was something to add to my ‘must-have-in-a-mate-list’. Jeeez and here I thought ALL brothers could dance…Can’t they? LOLLL Well they have up till I moved to this coast! There is something to be said about a man who can move on the dance floor..Enough said. Moving right along >

**I’m not finished yet..Truth hurts sometimes but here it is..**

I’ll be gentle BUT..My #1 pet peeve is ..When a person says something stand by your WORD. Say what you mean & mean what you say. I don’t know how to translate the language of I-might-if-I-think-I-can-and-if-I-run-into-scheduling-conflicts-I-will-let-U-know-after-the-fact. Nope! that doesn’t work for me. It might fly once or twice with me; but 3rd time around? You get tossed back into the pond with the rest of the fish. With the invention of cell phones/texts/emails there is NO reason a person can’t connect to re-schedule or cancel..I know cause I’ve done it. Cares less if you have to send a smoke signal or a message in a bottle..I must say this wasn’t ever an issue on the West Coast.>

Final Word: This piece was all in fun based on some true facts. I’m a great observer; probably because I’m a half-glass full type of person. I don’t miss much..All in all I’m pleased to say I’ve made several outstanding male friends here. Which is saying alot considering the short time I’ve lived here…One stands out among all the rest. Almost instantly became a trusted friend, confidant,  & mentor. Stays true to his word; every single time. And even juggling a schedule full of many balls IN the air; not once has he disappointed me in promised projects or ventures.  But then again he’s not originally from the East Coast…Until I write/read y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna (the 1 & only)

Posted in "Just for fun", ***DPCHALLENGE, Post a Day 2013, Things That Make U Say Hmmmm@

>>WHY are MEN so CLUELESS?!?>>

Before anyone out there gets all UPtight..this post is ALL in fun. It is a direct piggy-back female version to Opinionated Man’s blog post called ‘Women are Crazy’. I thought it would be cool, challenging and FUN to also poke fun at a couple things about MEN..Going to try my best to match his wit/skills. ~

>Mayhaps the best way to open the door to this topic wide right out the gate is to begin with the..Remote Control. I’ll keep it simple guys so there should be NO issue with understanding the message. I took a vote from as many women as I could gather up and the general consensus is this= Ya’ll can HAVE total control over the T.V. remote control;  as long as you agree to ALWAYS put the toilet seat down. Deal? Alright, cool moving right along…

>Now here is a whopper. WE women voted unanimously  on this one= We’ll serve you breakfast in bed every morning/run your bath water/have dinner cooked when you get home from work/get UP in the middle of the night to get you a glass of water/never “claim” to have a headache when you wake us UP in the middle of the night for some loving, etc etc yada yada..as long as you NEVER take issue with the few times we might ask you to pick up our feminine products. Don’t trip..trust me on this one, NO ONE in the store will think its  yours! Deal? Alright cool lets move on I’m just getting started..

>This is sans a GPS system or mapquest..Alright guys we figured it out. WE know when you know that we’re lost! We also will let ya’ll fake the funk for a while driving around and around in circles..We’ll also act as if we didn’t see the same streets and buildings already the first 3 times we passed them. Ok? But it might be nice, every once in a while, if you just admit it and say, “Know what baby;  I have NO clue where we are or how to get where we’re going!” And then just stop to ask someone else for directions. *slapping forehead* Enough said, moving right along…

>Guys? Please stop believing dubious relationship tips your guy friends are passing along to you. Every woman deserves to be treated /trusted based on her OWN merit. Same as you wish to be regarded/treated/respected…ya’ll having fun yet? There is more…

>When your woman says ‘Lets talk baby’ for the love of God don’t trip! It doesn’t mean she is dumping you(unless you know you’ve been messing UP badly…) ..what it means it she wants your undivided attention to talk about something that is important to her. Keep in mind women get oxytocin from having deeeeep , meaningful talks with you.(also from nursing babies & sex) Whereas men mainly get the same from having sex! Don’t believe me? Google it… So just relax/LISTEN/ and things will go smoothly so you can get back to  your fave T.V. show. Agreed? I’m almost finished now…

>Guys? There is NO reason to start an argument or worse LIE to go hang with your guy friends. Matter of fact a mature, self confident , self assured woman..knows you NEED your male-bonding time. So go have a good time; you deserve it. Grown folks need their own space sometimes..its normal..but to lie about it or start an argument over foolishness is a deal-breaker. Gets negative amount of brownie points in my world. Honesty still counts with some of us

>A few “nevers”= NEVER call your woman a Bi_ch! I don’t care if she is acting like one; don’t call her out of her name with this word. It is one of the worst things a man can call a woman. And IF she acts like this on a consistent basis..then perhaps you need to re-evaluate what type of woman you’re attracted to. There is no need for such ugliness…Also NEVER ask your woman if she’s gained a few pounds. Do NOT make any comment even close to , fat. Now she might very well be blowing up weight wise..but a wise man won’t tell her that. Oh! if she is acting cranky; never, EVER, even on a bad day say that its cause she is on her period..let her say it. But you better not . Don’t say I didn’t warn ya’ll..Alright, here comes my last one…

>Last but not least..stop saying we don’t value your opinion. We do! Most of us anyway..we’d not be with YOU if we didn’t respect you/adore you/need you/desire you/love you. Which includes respecting your male perspective..there is nothing more comforting to a woman than to hear her man’s honest opinion. Why? Because we know he has our best interest at heart and has our back…At the end of the day WE can’t live without ya’ll. Man and WOman weren’t  meant to live without love. And that takes 2. Love is what makes us thrive and flourish..and everyone, wants to be loved. The beautiful thing about a relationship is when it works! And it takes 2 people who accept each other with  flaws/faults..none of us are perfect. Love is worth putting up with a few minor issues..or least that is the way I see it. Until I write/read ya’ll again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)

Posted in ***DPCHALLENGE, *DP CHALLENGE>Post A Day*, Motivational!, Positive Movement Topic, Things That Make U Say Hmmmm@, WOW, ^Encouraging Words, ^^Thought Provoking^^

^NO sense in mincing WORDS 4 this is a heavy topic*DPCHALLENGE PostADay

**This was actually written in response 2 another blog that I follow on WP..I got SO caught up responding N the w*o*r*d*s a/k/a thoughts just kept flowing N flowing…So I decided to post my own original thoughts here on my blog..Hopefully 2 encourage an open discussion regarding a topic that is very near N dear to me..I’m trying, with all my might!, 2 live this topic out loud. In very living color. This is about as Real as it can possibly GET.

**Theres something I think U should know…>Let’s WAIT a while ..Before its 2 late..Let’s wait a while..Before we go 2 far.. Lets save something for LATER…So our love will B greater…Can’t RUSH love..

**I skipped alot of verses but thats the fast-forwarded sample..Backintheday when lyrics really meant something in songs! Yep, I said it N I know that 2 be true. But anyways those are words from a Janet Jackson song. Back when she was truly HOT inasfar as talentwise..then she went Hollywood.
IF a guy, I don’t care who he IS, can sit and say he has a double standard for the women he loves in his life already(his Mother,his daughter, his females relatives, his female friends..) compared with the woman he’s interested in…RUN & run fast! Because it means he is a BIG, fat hypocrit! For instance, IF conversing said man you’ve got a peaked interest IN says..”I want my daughter to WAIT till marriage 2 have sex…” And then U ask him, “So are you then also saying you’d wait 2 have sex until marriage?”  N he then loooooks at YOU like you’ve got a 3rd eye in the middle of your face! Plus,  his reply is NO.  I care less how fine he is. Or thinks he is..I don’t care what kind of job he holds down. I care less! what he owns..N for sure don’t give a hot dang what type of car he drives..RUN. As women sometimes we think, wrongfully so, that we can change a man . Pfft! And as IF…this is one  of the biggest mistakes  WE as women do/or can make.  From the jump! For he is sitting there laying it out for you. In his OWN words ..that   he is NOT  the one. RUN.

**IF a guy doesn’t feel that building UP a relationship is worth the wait..And IF that is what you desire; then again he isn’t the one for YOU. Period. It is that simple. As for the Steve Harvey rule of making a guy wait 90 days? I don’t put a time limit on it..because a guy could hear that N just rideeeee it out. Knowing full well he is going to get his “reward” at the end of 90 days…But are there such guarantees in any other area of this life? Nope! So why should it be different regarding what “should ” be sacred to us? Our bodies! Temple, right? And these days?!? It involves far more than backintheday just being scared of getting pregnant..NOW you’re literally placing your LIFE in someone else’s hands when you have SEX with them. With or without protection…Real talk. No sense in mincing words this is a heavy topic…

**IF as a woman you’re single N want that “status” to change. Then it is high! time to begin to do things differently. Anyone repeating the same things over N over N over again..YET expecting to get different results is either ..1. A very , VERY slow learner 2. Not very bright 3. Mentally challenged . IF a woman truly feeeeeels she is worthy of real love. IF a woman knows her true worth & is living UP to her true good worth . IF a woman wants to change her “status” from single to engaged/married/going steady(what ARE they calling it these days? I don’t even know…) then expecting a potential mate to wait for her “goodies” until they really know each other/have mutual relationship expectations/CAN & DO communicate effectively/feel love & respect! for one another…all of that will be just the basics for her to anticipate/request/and GET. And if said guy of such a woman’s interests has an issue with that? Then he just earned an instant downgrade from “potential” 2 “just friends”. Just that simple. And? If he acts a fool upon such simple & polite requests from said woman? He is then downgraded from even a chance! of being “just friends” to “someone I once spent time with but now I no longer even want him to be a friend…at ALL”

**We all have choices…And yep, I practice exactly what I preach. I’ve got more than one witness to attest to my very words. Fortunately I’ve met/spent time with/been engaged/married to outstanding brothers…I’ve had a couple “almost made it 2 the finish line type of relationships N marriage..I’ve no regrets nor complaints. No more tears about what could’ve been. Taken responsiblity for my part in why things just didn’t work out…Feeling blessed for the beautiful memories. Worked on ME in the interim for we all have flaws/faults..Hopefully learned lessons from my past relationships..Ready to move forward. I’ve NO time limit like the Steve Harvey rule nor do I make any apology for that. 2 anyone. IF a brother I’m interested in doesn’t feel I’m worth waiting on, until!, then he isn’t my “the one” I’m saving myself for. Exclamation mark. Period.

Posted in =Self Discovery=, Motivational!, Things That Make U Say Hmmmm@, WOW, ^^Thought Provoking^^

*Chivalry is NOT dead..But what the HECK happened 2 the COURTING process??*

What Happened to Us
What Happened to Us (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Alright folks this  ONE  I can really sink my teeth into! And  at this phase of my life journey I can relate ..Not alot of topics I’ve written on here yet that I am going through as I write or speak on it..But this is IT. Lol!!  Saving this space for this weekend when I have time to give this topic the attention(& finger strokes it deserves..) So buckle UP cause I’ve got a feeeeeeling it is going to be a good one. Guaranteed…

I’ve got alot 2 say on this topic ..so timewise I might have 2 break N finish later on 2night so here I go…

Call me OLDskool (I really don’t mind..) but there are some things I just can’t wrap my brain around at how things have changed. Did I miss the memo on “dating” becoming passA? Or have I been in long term relationships so much in my life journey I wasn’t paying attention?!? Has the new form of courtship turned into “hanging out” “linking up” (wth?) “hook-ups(OMG @this term)” “jump-offs(yep, this is a real term folks..shaking my head” and I’m sure a ton of other so called hip terms I’ve not yet heard. NOR do I want to hear because I refuseee to buy into the hype. Not 2day or any day soon.  So, for those that have been “single and waiting to be discovered by the ONE(which is the category I fall into..) N in the 38-50 age range, how are you dealing with the “new” non-existent courtship reality? Are the days long gone when a guy actually even knows what courtship is? Or knows how it is to date a potential mate-for-life?? N for the record that is the ONLY type of dating I’m interested in. I don’t have time(I am on the brink of 50 folks..) to kiss or date any frogs(a/k/a OLD players or wanna-be-players..sorry but that is SO played out! and quite frankly was never in style in my opinion) N liberated or not..and I hold hand UP high as a liberated woman..is it toooo much to expect a guy to call ME to ask me out on a date?!? I’m not one to call a guy. It just isn’t me…unless I already know him well. In my heart of hearts I feeeeeel if a guy is “interested” he’ll make the phonecalls. And I will answer. Isn’t that the natural order of things? I’m used to being PURSUED. I thought part of the natural process was for a man to do the PURSUING. Isn’t part of the thrill for a guy(correct me if I’m wrong guys..) chasing and trying to attain a worthy potential as your MATE? Lawd! Has the entire book of dating been re-written since I’ve last been…single? ~2 Be Continued~(I’ve got alot more to say…) P.S. When I get back I’m going to ..(a) present a case in favor of COURTSHIP and why the state of dating/marriage is in such a CRAPPY state without it..(b) present a case in favor of COURTSHIP and why bringing back OLDskool wayz is the best solution to solve quickie unsuited marriages N quickie divorces. Buckle UP folks I’m just getting started! B back soon asap so stay tuned…<

4 those that are single/divorced/fresh out of a relationship/or nearing the end of a couple years hiatus from relationships(holding my hand UP on the latter..) N in the age group 38 yrs old to 50 yrs old are YOU happy with  or fulfilled with the current hooook UP/hanging OUT/jump off/linking UP type of culture ? For my “liberated” women sisters out there is the >I’m an INdependent woman!/fun/exciting/liberating mode working out for you as  satisfying/resulting in LONGterm relationships and/or marriage/happiness? Or are you STILL single? Or single again? Hmmmmm…lets let that sink in for a minute. Now mind you this case I’m building on is for those who think the following: 1. that being married is the ultimate love relationship 2. that being married is better than being single 3. that being married is the BEST situation for couples to raise children 4. that marriage provides deeeeep friendship with spouse/personal growth/LASTING intimacy with spouse. If you’re still with me after allll that lets move forward.

I’ll try to explain why I feel courtship is the best process in which to pick the best LIFE mate(at any age!) N for the record I don’t believe soul mates have to be a spouse. Personally I can attest to the fact that in this lifetime I’ve met 2 soulmates. Only married 1 of them…but a lifemate in my opinion..is what I’m seeking in a husband. (I’ll explain that term later if time permits) Courtship to me IS: a process in which the things a couple does are gearing towards finding(which means pursuit guys..) , winning , the right one..and then marriage. The couple is exclusive(yep!) and exerting a high sense of attentiveness and DEPENDability, and care towards the “potential” (I’ll explain another time what I feel a “potential” IS.. I know alot of women, me included, who from the very 1st meeting of a guy determine him immediately(or least I do…) as (a) Just a friend (b) Don’t even want to be his friend! ..total frog! N bad habits/lifestyle toooo bad to even want to be in his company, yuck (c) close to a potential mate but missing a couple essential qualities (d) potential lifemate. So anywayz a decent length of  courtship(dating) allows the couple to actually get to KNOW each other prior to marriage. One might ask what IS a decent time frame for this? Depends..I don’t put specific number of months on this as Steve Harvey does. In my world the BEST things are worth waiting for. So don’t ask me about how long it will be before the you-know-what part. As a couple once ya’ll know each other well ya’ll can figure that out on your own! After all we’re talking about grown folks…

Moving right along…what has happened since courtship is no longer the norm? Anyone know the current statistics on divorce??? Anyone out there know the amount of people who now do NOT even consider marriage N instead just shack UP? (thus leaving children with parents who more than likely won’t stay together..the odds are against it) How about the statistics on folks who sleep together soooo quickly they don’t even truly know who they’re dealing with. I mean , for real,  since our bodies are supposed to be a TEMPLE why would we(women or men) share of something so intimate (the highest of highs!) with someone we don’t know?!? Is it mayhaps folks have lost sight of what the true meaning of intimacy IS? And in my  humble opinion intimacy is a far cry different from sex….We are all grown here, right? Alright, so courtship lets a woman truly know that a man is (a) seriously interested in just HER (b) is willing to take the TIME to prove his intent (c) and is willing to use his CREATIVITY to plan enjoyable activities/outings(could be as simple as a walk on the beach…) to gain her affections and her love. In regards to what courtships lets a man know(I’ve got to guess here cause I’m not a man)  (a) that the woman is seriously interested in only HIM (b) that a woman has the qualities that she said she had on the 1st date!(oh, I meant to add that for women as well) (c) is the type of woman he would be proud to take home to meet his parents(THAT is key in my opinion..)

It is my personal opinon that no matter how much womans’ lib has changed the game the roles of men/women should rightfully stay somewhat close to the roles in which we were created. Period. I think it is because of womens lib that things got so screwed UP in the first place. I can’t speak for any other woman except myself but I only desire a man that is a leader! Has to have a back bone/be strong/be confident!/and is the rightful head of the household. Even the way our physcial & biological makeup is designed points to men being the head…Does this mean that a woman has NO voice or opinion? Absolutely not. Because the  day will NEVER come that I have no opinion. Not in this lifetime nor the next…However I feel there is a happy/loving medium. And it works when both parties desire the same thing and work to make it work. I’ve seeeeen it work for 50 yrs now in my parents marriage(btw they still hold hands N dance 2gether! love IT) …which leads me to another point . How can folks that have NOT seen a long term marriage work truly know what to strive for or expect??? Hmmmmm. Can they? Which is why the cycle of this madness must stop somewhere. In order to get back to the natural order of things. Its gotten SO out of hand…for those of us nearing 50 we’ve seeeeen it and probably lived it! And hopefully learned from it…What I’ve learned is its my inherent desire to take things back to the way they were backintheday. N one of my prayers IS that the man who was created to love ONLY me feels the very same way. And another prayer is that he is somewhere out there-looking for ME-& reading this.  If ya’ll have anything 2 add to this discussion feel free to do so. I’d love to read it and I’ll respond. We can all learn from each others’ experiences…Until then stay blessed N UPlifted. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 N only)