Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

**OTHERHOOD**40s, 50s, Childless, Never Married**Their Perspective Revealed>>

I won’t and can’t lie…I can’t relate to this piece…However, now that I’ve been single & celibate for 3 years(though actively dating someone I dig alot..a whole lot!) I find myself trying to understand all aspects of the dating spectrum…My hair was blown back by the open nature and honesty of this write..At 51 yrs old and UNmarried; my biggest fear is entering old age alone..ALONE..MY parents attend even random doctor appointments TOGETHER..Shopping, etc..whatever they do together…As much as I dig my independence I MISS being part of a forever union..Knowing that someone always has my back..Good , bad or ugly…There IS comfort in that…Having said all of that I’ve a silent respect for those who are still patiently waiting on ‘the One’..It is hard for me to imagine waiting & waiting & waiting on love until well into the 50s…I’m just NOT that patient!

IF anyone can relate to this woman’s perspective, feel free to comment…I was captivated from word one!

I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me….

October comes in innocently enough, stretching the edges of summer into fall. But then, one night, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold chill touches my shoulders like a former lover I’ve tried to shake from memory. I shiver. My heart falls; I know that another long winter is approaching and I’m still alone.

I hadn’t planned it this way. I have always been open to love and relationships. I have held on to hope and to expectations and to dreams and to grief and to men I should have let go of much sooner. I have been high on love and tip-toed on top of clouds. And I’ve lost my breath under a dark cloud, wondering why it’s so hard for me to have the long, meaningful relationship I deserve.

I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. I’m focused on the moment I’m in right now. This is life. This is my life. And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin.

Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. He swivels to face me, smiling, and I smile back. The date is off to a great start. But soon enough, his tone changes. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin.

First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. They describe their marriage and how it concluded, or why their recent long-term relationship finally had to end, as Brian’s had earlier this year. “We argued so much it no longer felt good to be in the relationship,” he volunteers. And now, as these exchanges go, it’s my turn to share why I’m still single.

“Have you ever been married?” Brian asks.

“No,” I say.

“Have you come close? Like engaged or lived with someone?”

“Nope,” I add.

Brian presses his lips together in judgment. “When was your last long-term relationship?” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one.

“It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his.

“But you’re attractive and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single. “Like how long?” my date continues. “How many years?” He wants details. He wants to hear proof that he’s right about his assumption that there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, he thinks, she can’t commit.

“I don’t even know,” I say with a smile and a nonchalant shrug. And I’m being honest. I don’t know. I don’t know how many men I’ve gone out with or how many men I’ve kissed or been intimate with or how many men I’ve lost to what was simply not meant to be. I don’t count the men because, in the end, they are all one closer to one that will be the One.

“That’s OK,” Brian offers as consolation. “Some people aren’t interested in having a serious relationship.”

I immediately find myself rising up to my own defense and resent us both for having to do so. “Does it mean I’m interested in having a serious relationship if I stay in one too long because I don’t know how to leave or because I can’t bear to be on my own?” I ask. “I never married the wrong guy or pretended to be happy in a relationship when I wasn’t. And it hasn’t always been my choice for a relationship to end. I’ve been in love. I’ve wanted to be in love forever with some of the men I’ve dated. My heart has been broken,” I add.

My date seems unsympathetically relieved at this last note. My black-and-blued heart is proof to him that I’ve gone to battle for love. But I’m more focused on the fact that I’ve survived and have moved forward than on the battles I’ve lost.

“So, what’s the issue?” he asks. “I can’t believe you would still be single. You must be picky.”

We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot.

“Of course I’m picky,” I say with confidence. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.”

My date pours more wine into my glass from the carafe we’re sharing. Our conversation moves on to entrepreneurship, a passion we share. He goes first, and I’m sincerely impressed. And then I share my work and the business I’ve grown over the last seven years. But for my date, he’s not so much interested in my work, but in how my career might be the root-cause of my singlehood.

“Some people choose to focus on their careers and some choose to have families,” my date says emphatically, making the assumption that because I haven’t had a family, I’ve made my choice.

“I didn’t choose to have a career over falling in love, getting married and having children,” I reply, my voice again slightly raised. “I can control many aspects of my career, but I cannot choose when and with whom I fall in love and who returns the love to me. I didn’t plan to be single at 45 or not to have children.”

“I have a friend who admits she spent too much time focused on her career and not her dating life,” Brian says, like it’s a diagnosis: “Career-Womanitis.”

“Women don’t often forget to fall in love. They don’t often forget to have children. Sure, time passes faster than we’d all prefer, but if someone wants to be in a relationship, and most women do, then we find a way to do that when a man who wants the same thing is present in our lives,” I reply. “Women are better multitaskers than men are in general, so I don’t buy into the ‘too focused on career’ script modern women have been given instead of the truth: Despite having a great career and taking care of ourselves financially, while also taking care of our health and well-being, we haven’t met the man we’re meant to be with.”

“Maybe you’re too independent,” Brian suggests, more to himself as he looks down his mental list of possible reasons for my singlehood.

“I’m independent,” I reply. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be dependent on someone else for a change. We keep hearing about how women should ‘lean in.’ I am leaning in so far that I’m falling over. I don’t have a net, emotionally or financially, to fall back on. What I would do to be able to lean back for once. What I would do to have a man in my life whom I could count on when times are tough…”

Brian is running out of arguments. I’m running out of patience.

“Brian, if you spend the rest of our date searching for what’s wrong with me, you’ll never discover what’s right with me,” I say, trying to soothe us both into another topic of conversation. “I have no regrets. I’m living a life I never dreamed of in many respects. Yes, I wanted to be married and become a mom in my twenties, but here I am, in my forties, with all my bumps and bruises, still in the ring, unwilling to give up on love.”

My date seems satisfied, at least for now, and we begin to chat about other things. As we leave the bar later that night, Brian gives me a hug. “You’re shivering,” he says, sweetly. “Let me get you into a cab.” He hails a cab and asks me for a second date.

“Yes,” I say. “I’d like that.” I’m open to a relationship, after all.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says with his handsome smile as he opens the cab door.

I smile back as I get in the cab. I am happy to be out of the chill.

Melanie Notkin’s second book, OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness (Seal Press/Penguin Canada), is available now. OTHERHOOD received a prestigious *starred review* by Bookli

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

>>GAME Changer..America’s Teachable Moment@Ray Rice

..MAJOR SOCIETAL FAILURE** >>When a woman is figuratively RAPED in front of the entire world over & over & over again as she’s victimized repeatedly ..The point has been made clear by the NFL @WE don’t believe women. WE think they are wrong & we’ve got to be convinced they’re right… So, here is my breakdown of how many times Janay Palmer was victimized since Ray Rice PUNCHED her in the face this past February & knocked her out cold! >>

First a FACT that the NFL might want to take note of(Or more so) ..Especially with the “indefinite suspension” for Ray Rice. In my humble opinion? He should be banned for life from playing professional football. I’ll get back to that later..Over 45% of football fans are women. Go figure..A traditionally male-oriented , very often female-exclusionary sport has a fan base of almost half female. Many of us have watched it right along side our husbands/partners/Dads/sons..Some of us love it! Having said all of that..If the men of the NFL won’t man up & stand UP against violence towards women(I simply don’t believe they’d not seen enough evidence to dump Ray Rice when they gave him the 2 game suspension..) Then the women of the NFL should and need to. If half its fans don’t tune in or buy NFL products??? I bet it wouldn’t take a TMZ released video for the NFL to do the right thing next time! Come on now..A celebrity gossip entity can get the full video & the NFL couldn’t have?? Wasn’t it already clear what happened in that elevator with even the first video of Ray DRAGGING unconscious Janay ??? Does anyone expect Goodell to say , NOW , that he made a right decision with the first suspension?? A guesstimated 375,00 women attend NFL games each weekend of the season..Alot of moolah is on the line. However, what I really feel is on the line is the sentiment about women in America>>

Back to the list of ways Janay Palmer was victimized>>

#1. When Ray Rice punched her(like she was a grown MAN) in the face..Every picture I’ve found of Rice, alone, he’s pointing to his enormous muscles. Yet? He instantly responded to the situation by punching the mother of his child. He could’ve simply lifted her off her feet to calm the situation. I’ve heard not one report on her injuries..Not one.

#2 Janay was next victimized when, from the onset, the Ravens minimized her assault. It was called “a distraction” in their star player’s life.

#3 She was forced to sit in front of the media & the ENTIRE world in an interview..Apologizing for her role in being punched in the face..WTF & OMG..I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. And America sat back in full acceptance. The game must go on at any cost. Right?

#4 When Rice’s lawyer said it was “completely hypothetical” Panay instigated and Rice was in defense mode. Later the justice system, didn’t even pursue full charges against Rice. Hmmm big money talks & at times it truly is a man’s world. Still even in 2014>>

#5 When the NFL’s powers that be, somehow didn’t see enough evidence to punish beyond a 2 game suspension. Why wasn’t a request made to gain access to the entire video? Major League Baseball got evidence during the Biogenesis scandal, right? Yet, the NFL (btw the # 1 American sport & quite powerful..) couldn’t get a tape from a hotel??? Poppycock!

#6 By Ravens cheering fans when Rice returned to the field. WOW..Enough said.

#7 The full footage of the incident being released to the world last Monday. Truly an invasion of Janay’s privacy! As IF it wasn’t enough for the entire world to have seen her dragged out that elevator like a cave dweller..I won’t post that video clip as a visual for that reason. It’s been seen enough and too much as it is..Shouldn’t have been necessary to reveal so much.

The final painful thing to occur is that many(one was too many…) blamed Janay Palmer. That somehow something she DID or said provoked her to get punched..As IF..Why is it the woman always gets the burden of proof??? Casted as being mentally imbalanced, or as gold digger, or dressed provocatively, or simply saying something to rile a man UP..Lawyer’s use this(as Rice’s did…) time & time again. Because it works! Why? Why is it a woman’s word(especially with supporting evidence…) isn’t a good as a man’s? It is a deep cultural misunderstanding of how violence operates , to think that the victim incites the abuse. How about a person using self-control(some dang discipline!) & keeping their hands OFF another person? Especially when they dominate over them in size/weight/physical power? Football is a sport driven with aggression and violence. That is no secret..When played with great sportsmanship it is a sport many enjoy watching and playing. I get that!(though I readily admit football has never been a sport I adore) And when that aggression is left on the field, where it belongs, it can’t impact innocent others who aren’t football players. If they want to beat their own bodies up to a broken down mess by time they reach their 40s & 50s..So be it! Humans though are habitual in nature..I’m more shocked this isn’t a more wide-spread issue. Youth hormones + amped up testosterone + aggression training + the coddling athletes receive..The potential is there..As a woman I’d have felt better if Ray Rice had been banned for life from the inception of the first video being released..Immediate. At least then it would’ve been obvious how the NFL(or rather the men in power calling the shots…) felt about women. It is as if they didn’t believe (or care..) about Janay Palmer’s opinion or well-being. Not one bit.. Furthermore, I don’t believe no one in the NFL saw that full video. The burden of proof should be on them to PROVE they are in full support of women’s rights..Nothing less than banning Rice will prove that. An example needs to be set. Let him use his millions to seek continual therapy..Rice needs to question his own ethics..Why did he allow the mother of his child to be pimped out in an interview? Amongst other questions. This isn’t just a football matter. It is personal. I’ve already spoken before about how I feel about violence..Didn’t physically discipline my sons/ I’ve never been in a physical fight/ I don’t feel war is a necessary tool except in self defense…We live in a time when education is made more & more accessible and excessive technological advances..Yet bohemian and heathenish(is that a word???) behavior is viewed as a mere “distraction” ..When such a great deal of people could cast Janay Palmer at fault in her own assault; instead of feeling compassion for her as a victim. As a society we’re in trouble!! ..Good self-esteem isn’t something we’re born with. It is cultivated, nurtured and taught! A great deal of lessons learned are from what we see..And the way I see it? The NFL needs to be clear on its stance against violence away from the field. Can’t sit on the sidelines & make the right decision only after the truth comes to light. Women are more than just potential profits and should be treated as such. Not just during football season either. All the time.

Posted in LOVE

*Yin* Seeking her *Yang*

Almost midway into THE year I said I’d marry again..OR at the least be IN love for the last time. Where has the time gone?? Is it just me or is time flying by in faster increments than it was before Fabulous 50? With all the happenings of this year so far I’m just settling down & taking note that OMG half the year is gone. Poof! Anyways I digress..Since last thinking about dipping my toes back into the awesome pool of love and/or married bliss..I’ve half-seriously considered a cross-country relationship, a relationship with my X, online dating, & staying single indefinitely(YUCK) ..I say half considered because due to life happenings , I honestly haven’t had time or energy to fully delve into anything 100%. At all. And because I tend to be an over-thinker at times..Yep, I admit it..I decided not only will none of the above work for me; but that I absolutely will not “settle” either. >>

One of the greatest advantages of flying solo has been: It has given me ample time to figure out exactly what type of significant other will add to my life. Outside of being physically attractive; there is so much more I need from a man before I hand in my singles card. I don’t need someone to complete me. What I desire is a union in which we complement each other. More than likely? Opposites! Wouldn’t two conservative people bore each other too pieces till death do they part? Ugh! On the flip side of that imagine two zany energetic people together for life?? I don’t even want to imagine that scenario..Which is why I know I need a somewhat more reserved counterpart..But he’s got to have energy to keep UP with me as I run circles around him(and a ton of stamina) Anyways, quickly moving right along>>

Chinese philosophy(yep, been reading up on this & it makes sense to moi) cites there is a natural order in the Universe that works smoothly like a song..Yin and Yang..It is said we all have it & that we use both energies in our interactions. However, it is presumed women have more yin and men more yang. Yin is feminine energy: soft, dark, cool, hidden, subtle, and complex. Yin is much more fluid, more nurturing, than yang. Yin’s strength is to preserve life, to keep major support systems in line. Yang is masculine energy: strength, action, and relentless assertiveness. It is a protective energy..>>

I’ll be sure to follow-up after I’ve got a story to tell based on this theory..Coming soon so stay tuned & buckle UP

Posted in =Self Discovery=

>>The DOWNside of a Celibate Lifestyle>>

Most folks that speak on a celibate lifestyle speak on the HIGH notes…Believe it or not there are alot of highs about it..However, there is also a GREAT deal of frustration handling the realities of celibacy..Especially someone whose been in a committed relationship or married majority of their adult life. Someone SEXY and half-arse normal and considered intelligent. Someone that looks alot like ME>>

When I first chose celibacy it had little to do with my religious beliefs..It had more to do with making a conscience choice for less distraction while trying to reach a goal..I’d move cross-country and had a disciplined focus on a set amount of goals..And within a certain time frame..Adding dating to the mix would have been a MAJOR distraction..For I tend to give my all to anything I engage IN..Dating and men is certainly included..Matter of fact?

MEN = 1 of my few weaknesses…I’m not ashamed to admit I love being in love & especially love being married! On the flip side of that I’m also willing to wait (in a celibate state) for marriage before I have sex again..Now,I know most folks think certain things about celibate folks..What comes to mind is either weirdness/priests/OR a maladusted anti-sociable person..I’m NONE of the above..But I do have standards. And the longer I remain celibate; the higher my standards become. And honestly? It has become frustrating as hell!

At first? I was wearing an invisible banner waving it proudly @ I am proudly celibate , waiting and proud! 2 years later it is beginning to feel like a burden..Now it has been SO long that I wonder how much longer I can keep this UP? Not to mention I come from a highly sexed family..I’ve come to a point I don’t believe this is NORMAL..WTF was I thinking? Lawd! We are biologically created to be attracted to men and to want to have SEX..Period

The biggest downside of celibacy is the MEMORIES of how beautiful a loving relationship IS..The God created stress relieving perks that can’t be simulated. Trust me I’ve tried! There is nothing more fulfilling than a love-filled marriage..There is also nothing more aggravating than explaining to someone who doesn’t get IT that “waiting” for my The One doesn’t mean I’m pushing marriage. IF not desiring to settle for less means I’m pushing marriage; than so be it. It is not an easy walk. And definitely not for the weak hearted..But I’m standing on Faith that it is going to be well worth the wait.

Posted in LOVE

Why I’ve Enjoyed My Last Christmas Being *Single*

**For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven**

I’ve spent the majority of my adult life either: dating a man/marrying a man/pining over a man/SACRIFICING my own needs for a man/crying over a man or getting over a man..Finally, at long last!, my personal identity isn’t centered around feeling significant; only when I have a significant other..That is saying a mouthful! So let me say it one ‘mo time for emphasis..I’ve finally reached a place in my life that I’m very comfy with me & I do NOT need someone to complete ME..Having said that it doesn’t, by any means, mean that I don’t desire being married and LOVED..I really DO>>

This will be my 3rd and last Christmas SINGLE..I feel it in my bones & spirit..I’ve enjoyed, to the fullest, the company of my parents..People might find it odd(and I know they do..) that I so love spending time with/around my parents. I don’t expect other people to understand why..Nor is anyone else’s understanding required..There are things other folks do , that I don’t ‘get’ either. But for the sake of this piece; here is the brief explanation. With the exception of this past 3 years; I’ve lived cross-country from my parents. Always after a visit I’d miss them so badly! Now that my parents are nearing mid 70s; I am taking full advantage of our time spent together..I know God makes NO accidents; and my now residing in the same city was/is a Godsend..

It is my belief that the most precious & priceless gift a person can give..Is quality time..Or acts of kindness that require time being put into them..This Christmas was special to me because I spent quality time, with the two people who brought me into this world. In my mind? That is a blessing! And the man who was created to love me & only me? Will totally understand that without me having to explain..I’ve got such faith! that I’m right where I should be~~in every aspect of my life. All the pieces of my life are falling right into place..so my lifetime love is next! It is so very close I can taste & feel it…Woooo hooooo & yay! Anyone out there have a story of being single at Christmas that you’d like to share?

Posted in LOVE

Why Dating Is Best @ 50

IN a recent poll Americans overwhelmingly agreed that 50 IS the best age for..Everything! Here is my take on why dating is better now that I’m finally 50 yrs old>>

I am stronger..Simply put the stakes are higher at this age..No time for B.S./games/losers/or crap shots!

I am better..Though consistently striving for improvement; I’m about the best I’ve ever been. So if any potential date is reading this? Bring your A game & leave your ‘representative’ at home..Likewise I’m going to be me 24/7.

I am wiser..Exclamation point. Period.

I’m still not ready to reveal personal details about the dates I’ve been on..Mayhaps I never will..I can say, without a doubt though , that it has been far different from dating in my 20s..Gone are the insecurities felt backintheday..Take me or leave me; and more than likely we’ll part as friends.. I’ve met a couple of really awesome guys who are catches by any standard..And its been FUN..I laugh sometimes till my ribs hurt. Literally..Recently went horse back riding for the first time in eons! My butt hurt a bit more than it did in my 20s; but I didn’t fall off the horse..I’m due to go skating this weekend & hope to discover I still CAN..I’d LOVE to hear the song @ ‘Bounce, Rock, Skate, Roll’..Anyone out there recall that song?? OMG the skating song of ALL time! Though I don’t feel I’ve met my ‘The One’ yet; I’ve got a couple more people I can call genuine friends..The beauty of dating at 50? It is OK to admit early on it isn’t a love match…I love IT. Anyways until I write/read y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed..4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)

Posted in LOVE

>>What I Miss Most About MARRIAGE>>By Special Request*

Even though it is by special request I’m writing this..I had a ball writing it! Conjured UP beautiful memories of beautiful moments/beautiful people/beautiful feelings felt & mutually shared..As I wrote I realized , much as I desire to be married one ‘mo time(last time!) , it isn’t often I think back & reflect..I think I’ve been so hell-bent on a fast-forward momentum ; that I didn’t dare tread too much on past memories of being IN love..Isn’t it said when looking backwards one can fall? And yet…2night felt pretty good to reminisce for a minute! As I did I recollected why I still hold matrimony as the highest of all relationships. Here is a brief list of the things I miss most about marriage>>

#1..The rest of this list won’t be in any certain order..But this one certainly TOPS my list of things I miss most about marriage. I miss with ALL my heart being linked UP with my forever best friend! Which is what I consider a husband..And thanks to a mighty greatttt God I’ve been blessed to have experienced. That feeling of KNOWING my love partner has my back whether I’m at my best or worst; is a feeling of utter complete ecstasy. I can’t even describe it any further without getting emotional about it. Enough said & moving right along>>

2..Having someone to do the driving! Folks that know me & how I feel about traffic & highways know how much I hate IT. I’ll be so, so happy, elated! to once again take the passenger seat..I’ve discovered I sincerely enjoy being able to NOT pay attention to where we’re going..I can’t sight-see when I’m driving! All I can focus on is the crazy drivers around me & they probably feel the same way about me. Lol! >>

3..I miss having someone to put the trash out. With a houseful of men(husband & 3 sons..) I’ve not put trash out for 20 years..And I am ready for someone else to have that responsibility. Forever..>>

4..I miss having someone to go to the market with..Now at the market I find myself reading the backs of all the boxes & packages..WtH? Much as I love to read I’d NOT do that IF I were married..I’d be yapping my husband’s ear off instead. >>

5. I miss holding hands. This stands alone as just that. I miss holding hands with a husband.Period. >>

6. I miss fussing about putting the toilet seat down! I miss being fussed at for rolling the toothpaste tube UP..All the little bantering back & forth that married couples get used to doing. A routine of each others annoying habits..NEVER thought I’d miss that; but yes really do. >>

7. I miss always having someone to lift the heavy stuff. To reach the high spots I can’t reach at 5’4..To go check if a noise is heard late at night in the house(I’m a scaredy cat!) To open doors because chivalry truly isn’t dead. >>

8.. I miss being introduced as someone’s WIFE. Odd as much as I’ve enjoyed(& needed) being single? I’m looking forward to being a Mrs. again. >>

9. I sincerely miss the easy & natural banter between husband & wife. Knowing that no matter disagreement or not; he still loves me all the time. And the banter is a nice , familiar flow that just feels good. Love IS not always what one does. Or what one says..But how one feels when with another . No second guessing to know if its real or not. It is just GOOD. >>

10…This probably should’ve been #2 on the list in rank of importance. Probably more so because I’m in a celibate state of being. I SO dearly miss the union of husband & wife coming together as ONE. For me it is a feeling felt 2nd only to bringing life into the world. Without a doubt.

Well that is a wrap for now..Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)

Posted in LOVE

*SINGLE By Choice? Really? Or Chance?

This might get heavy..It IS personal..Been known to say I’m single by choice & this is the longest I’ve ever , ever been single..But now that I’m ready to re-enter the world of the dating scene? I’ve come to the realization things have changed! The MEN are so different here on the East Coast than on the West Coast! The BEST potential guys for a really great relationship are already married! It IS slim pickings cause the attractive guys are either married, gay or not-a-thing-in-common. MEN aren’t emotional available ..The list of reasons goes on & on that I hear from other single women when asked “Why are YOU single?” >>

I’ve got admit something..Never in my entire life have I known SO many single women..Women that I feel are eligible & worthy of being in a relationship with a “good” guy..Mayhaps I was always so caught UP in my own relationships I didn’t notice so many other single women? Hmmmmm..then again when married all of our friends were also married..Birds of a feather flock together, right? But wouldn’t I have noticed or heard of massive groups of single women??? >>

Well I recently had a conversation with my eldest son on this topic..I found myself rambling on about how different the men are here on the East Coast, blah blah blah & etc..Then I found myself saying @ I might have to import a West Coast brother just so I can get married again! Wth? Who says such a thing?? It was too late to take it back once I’d said it..My son’s response? There ARE a lot of single professional sista’s these days..Whoa! Wait a minute..I tried to defend the comment & “the situation” ..But I really couldn’t..According the stats I’d read over the past few years; he was RIGHT. But why is that factual? Are our standards too high? Is there a reason for the first time in history more & more Black women are dating/marrying out of their race? WHAT is going on?>>

I can’t speak of anyone else’s reasons for being single..Personally? I needed a couple of years to just do ME..But I’m ready now to jump with both feet back into the dating game..Can’t lie though, in the back of my mind, is this thought sneaking IN..Am I going to add to the ranks of eligible, professional sista’s that are single ; but don’t want to BE? I’ll let y’all know about a month from now..By then I’ll have had some dates under my belt to speak on..It IS time to set about working on my relationship goal..In the meantime though; any single women out there want to rap about this? Are YOU single by choice or chance?

Posted in "Just for fun"

BEST MOMENT AWARD ~N~ My 7 Nominees>>

..~~Some of the BEST moments in life are the ones you cannot tell anyone about…~~

I was nominated for the BEST MOMENT award..Woooo hoooo..As a new blogger its awesome to be read & appreciated by fellow bloggers..My list of over 130 blog spots on WordPress is an amazing list..Chocked full of people I’d never met before I joined WordPress almost a year ago..(with the exception of the person who introduced me to WordPress..) It is with pride I’ll display my BEST MOMENT award logo on my page & sincere thanks to ‘mishunderstood’ for the nomination.Also many thanks for making me feel so VERY special when I recently joined the Fabulous 50s group! I’ll first list my nominees & then the rules of this award(I changed the 15 nominees to 7..Choosing 7 was tough! But 7 is after all a lucky number..) Well actually first check out the link to ‘mishunderstood’s’ blog spot; she always has something positive to read or look at(pictures) on her blog. http://mishunderstood.wordpress.com/2013/09/05/best-moments/

My first nominee is one of the very first blog spots I became hooked ON..He uses humor , wit, and a ton of intelligence to share insightful/POLITICAL, and current events from our country to all over the world..He keeps us abreast of important matters; while also making us smile..Even when it’s not good NEWS. The one & ONLY , List of X.

http://listofx.com/

This next nominee is tied for my #1 fave WordPress blog..He IS always in touch with anything there is to know or read about affairs in D.C..and all political matters of great concern. He researches and lays the FACTS out and always has interesting comments from his loyal audience..He also shares my loyalty in following & supporting our POTUS@ President Barack Obama..And the pictures on his blog site are always a pleasure to see..He’s a true OBAMACRAT through & through! He’s included ALOT of facts/stories about Black History that I personally feel every American could benefit from reading..

Home

When I want my spiritual fix on WordPress this is my go-to spot! She’s my Sista & my church sister; and she’s the one who introduced me to WordPress..Relentless, hard-working, and the QUEEN of multi-tasking..*round of applause* and Yay!

http://spctampablog.wordpress.com/

I stumbled across this next blog site because it was Freshly Pressed months ago..A story about her beautiful daughter’s smile! There is always something joyful, beautiful , insightful to read on her blog spot..Hails from Africa and she has a heart of GOLD. So very glad I can call her ‘friend’..

http://uwana.wordpress.com/

Her name says it ALL..She IS an AWAKE Black Woman..A TON of insight on her blog spot! I’ve yet to read all of it, yet, when I’m reading there I almost always learn something NEW..She’s also included many, many links on her page to other blog sites that are positive & cultural.

http://awakeblackwoman.wordpress.com/

This next blog spot spreads a positive message..I always have a warm & fuzzy feeling after reading and sharing comments on his page..

http://messageinabottleblog.wordpress.com/

This blog spot is one of the most recent I’ve added to my faves list..I’ve enjoyed interacting with her on both of our spots..Yet another blog spot that I get that nice warm & fuzzy feeling after reading there.

http://2012spiritinaction.wordpress.com/

** The rules are as follows for all nominees; including myself(I’ll list my two lists of 7 following the rules) Nominees should do the following(if you wish)=
1. Copy and post the BEST MOMENTS logo on your blog page. (You’ll see mine freshly posted in my side bar)

2. Link back to the person who nominated you…

3. State 7 things about yourself…

4. Nominate 7 other bloggers

5. Name 7 moments you experienced that are dear to your heart..

*** Here are my 2 lists**

7 Things About Myself=

1. I’m a TRUE Cancer in almost every sense of the word..With the exception of the moody part..Thankfully I grew out of that as I grew older/matured/evolved..Born under a water sign I absolutely LOVE the water! Imaginative/intuitive/loyal/loving/nurturing/emotional/& protective are some of the positive traits of a Cancer..

2. My favorite saying that I try hard to live by? LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH.

3. Not many people I’ve met and/or friended in my entire lifetime; that I’m not still good friends with. Including both of my X’s & my X inlaws..My Xmominlaw still calls me daughter & even cross-country we speak often. I treat people as I want to be treated. What you see is what you get..IF I don’t care for ‘ya? I won’t spend time around you. There aren’t many people I can’t find at least one nice thing to say about them..

4. I am an admitted NEAT freak! I can’t think clearly in cluttered or dirty environments…

5. I absolutely LOVE talking to people! Not too many places I go(even the library..though I try to whisper) that someone doesn’t speak to me. This I feel has allowed me to meet people of ALL backgrounds/cultures/genders..love IT

6. I hated liver as a child. I STILL hate it as an adult. Exclamation mark. Period.

7. If I break bread with a person it means I consider them a friend..Meal times were always special times when I was growing up. And for me? It still is.

7 Moments I Hold Dear in my Heart=

1. The moment I held each of my 3 sons in my arms moments after they were born..NOTHING in my life tops that.

2. The first time my Daddy told me he was proud of ME.

3. The moment I realized as a young woman; that my Momma was always going to be my best friend.

4. The moment my now ex husband told me he couldn’t see his life without me in it..And is one of the reasons we’re still good friends till this day. (even cross-country)

5. The moments I watched my sons graduate from high school/graduate school/and soon we’ll watch our first family PhD graduate. It’s so very nice to be a part of such progression..

6. Being able to help host a 50th wedding anniversary dinner/party for my parents last year…Their LOVE has been an amazing thing to see/watch all of my life

7. When I stood on a California spoken word stage at 45 yrs old with knees & nerves shaking to perform a tribute I’d written to Black Women…Some of the beautiful moments in life are the ones we think we don’t have the nerve to DO; but we do it anyway!

**BONUS BEST MOMENT** Don’t want to mess up the lucky 7 roll, BUT , I’ve got to add this..When my best friend of 30yrs plus stood in front of all at my 50th Bday bash this past July & recited a poem she’d written in honor of our friendship. I didn’t even know she wrote poetry..Amazing after 30 yrs can still learn new things about those in our lives..Truly a moment to be cherished I won’t ever, ever 4get..Mad love & regard Lizzard!!!

Posted in Telling it like it 'TIS

>>>BEAUTY vs. BRAINS >>> For Grown Men Only * Poll Alert

Alright here we go that age OLD question@ Do MEN prefer beauty or brains when they chose their significant other? Or better yet IF y’all had to choose one or the other, beauty or brains, which would you choose when choosing your lady? And yep, this question is for men only. The topic came up with a male friend of mine & his response blew my hair back! Not that I was born yesterday nor am I naïve; I just thought things might have changed by now. Haven’t they? >>

Now I clearly understand the biological makeUP of men is different from women.. I get that! Men were created to have a strong drive to procreate with as many women as possible..Google it if you don’t believe me. And backintheday when I was a tad bit younger(and dating guys the same age..); I half expected the motives of men to be somewhat fueled by the above fact. Matter of fact like many other little girls my Daddy taught me long ago @ ‘ What most guys truly desire is what is between your legs..’ But , but doesn’t that change as we age, evolve and progress? In my heart of hearts , and this might sound naïve, I thought(or so I’ve been told by my suitors & exhusband) that when a man looks to choose his woman; he’s looking for far more than just SEX. Isn’t that the case for the majority of men? Let me take this one step further..>>

I love being a woman. Every single thing about being a woman..In the dictionary next to the word feminine should be a picture of ME. My favorite color is pink. I dig wearing dresses/skirts/and ultra feminine clothes during the week..All woman. Then again I also dig jumping in to my jeans & getting my strut ON. BUT just as men probably don’t want women to envision them as a big, fat wallet..I’d like to NOT just be thought of as just a pretty face. Long ago I recall a remark my Momma made..Right now I can’t recall who she was talking to; but I’ve never forgotten it. She said @’I am much more than just a pretty face you know!’ Exclamation mark. Period>>

So whats the scoop guys? And give up the non-censored straight-no-chaser answer..Because inquiring minds(all the women reading this…) really want to know. And us single ones; could truly use a heads UP for insight to how men think these days. Your opinion matters so the floor is yours..

Posted in Dating, LOVE

>MULTI-Dating in a Multi-Tasking Era<

It isn’t far-fetched for single people to date more than one person these days..Heck, I’m willing to bet IF more people did prior to marriage; mayhaps the amount of them who cheat AFTER marriage would be on the decline.(..instead of the opposite) But how can a person who believes in monogamous relationships; date multiple people? I’m soon to embark on such a mission to find out! Truth IS many of us back-in-the-day, considered dating, equal to relationship status. It is not though..That isn’t even part of the definition of what dating is. Good ole Wikipedia defines dating as..’Another meaning of the term dating is to describe a stage in a person’s life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people…’ >>

As with anything; there are benefits & drawbacks to multi-dating..Personally? I’ve not yet encountered either because my quest won’t begin till about the end of next month..Yep, I’m a planner! First benefit I can figure out already? Without having even dipped my toe in the water yet , multi-dating is going to broaden my options. And at a much faster pace than if I were to date one person at a time..At 50 yrs of age? TIME is precious and I don’t plan on wasting any of it>>

Let me first be clear about one thing..Dating IS dating IS dating and does NOT mean SEX. Dating also means not in a relationship/not married/& still single UNTIL a mutual committment has been made. Sex clouds & over-rides good judgement. Sex when casually dating is out-of-place for a reason because SEX isn’t a casual happening. Or least that is the way I see it. Exclamation point. Period>>

Another benefit to multi-dating is it keeps the FUN in dating..Takes the pressure off. My take on it at 50 yrs of age? Take me or leave me as I am. If it isn’t a mutual link-up; then we can be friends. Or not..Personally? There aren’t many folks I’ve met in my life, on any level, that we’re not still friends. Mature folks can handle that. And being that I’m now 50 yrs old; I won’t be dating any little boys. >>

Another benefit I anticipate could happen from multi-dating? Gives both parties a chance to perhaps date out of their ‘usual dating type’. Which, btw, I’ve never done..No one is going to be a perfect match & this allows the chance to date an array of personality types. (after all they can’t all look as superb as Shemar Moore.dangit what a shame that is! ) Doesn’t that sound like FUN already?!? >>

Disadvantages? Hmmm I really can’t think of many that doesn’t differ from dating in general..BUT with honesty..How many reading this know of people who date several people at one time ; yet LIE about it? I’m not lying to get a love relationship; and I’m not lying once I’m in one again. Never has been my style..I think there could be folks, men & woman, who can’t handle dating a multi-dater. No worries; toss them back in the pond & move on. No harm, no foul & thankfully didn’t waste each others’ time. Personally? I have no tolerance for folks with a jealous nature anyway..Zilch. I think the transition from dating to a relationship, would be same as only dating one person. With the exception of single status to taken. >>

Posted in LOVE, Telling it like it 'TIS, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

*STAY Faithful or Stay SINGLE* Word of UNsolicited advice..

Before I sink my teeth into this topic 1st keep in mind I added UNSOLICITED advice..That is the only hint at a disclaimer I’ll include with this one..One thing that really chaps my fanny? To witness someone/ANYone/Lots of folks; ruining something that I long for..And somebody has to say IT; so it might as well be lil ol me. MARRIED FOLKS IN THIS GENERATION ARE GIVING MARRIAGE A BAD NAME. Y’all ready for this? Here I come with both barrels loaded>>

Main reason I’m on “one”? I’ve tired, naw tyeeed , of getting hit on by married men! I’ll explain more about that in a short bit..First the positively positive proof that things have gone awry with the marriage game is the grand prize winner..Tiger Woods. OMG What the heck was Tiger even thinking by getting hitched??? I actually lost count(cause I was so disappointed in Tiger I stopped reading about the scandal..) of the amount of women he cheated with during his marriage..But it was ALOT. Jeeeeez all he did was make t his ex-wife richer than she ever could’ve dreamed of! Did she drop those 2 kids fast or what?!? Something tells me though she knew exactly what type of man she married..Sorry Tiger ‘I loves ya Bro’ , however, your actions were beyond LAME. Enough said>>

Now many of us have met folks we KNEW were in bad marriages..Or at least what “we” define as a bad marriage..Usually involving domestic violence or cheating..Personally I consider cheating in the top 2 reasons I’d seriously consider divorce.(been there done that..) Apparently these days though either spouses are: a. turning a VERY blind eye to their cheating spouse’s activities OR b. also cheating..The even weirder thing? I’ve heard of folks getting cheated on multiple times before marriage & STILL walking down the isle..I just don’t get IT>>

Don’t get me wrong for I can TOTALLY understand that married folks love SEX..Sex, in my humble opinion, is one of the most natural human urges we possess. 2nd only to consuming food/water..However, hows about using some DISCIPLINE? Dang! For some that are celibate due to vocation(priests, nuns, etc..) or due to waiting it out(more like toughing it out at this point) in pursuit of quality over quantity; its been proven that discipline sexually can be achieved. Bottom line IS if you can’t keep your pants/panties ON while married : a. don’t leave the house ! b. don’t get married c. be honest with spouse & give them the option of leaving your fanny(cause truth is these days being promiscuous is downright dangerous) >>

Back to how this impacts me..I believe in monogamy. I believe in marriage..Exclamation mark. Period. I’ll openly admit BOTH of those institutions(for lack of a better word right now..) are very difficult to maintain..Its hard to walk a straight line; my fingers are trembling at the thought even as I typed that..Nevertheless I stand as a witness(my parents marriage of 52 yrs & counting..) and from my own personal experience that when maintained in a mutual healthy manner? Monogamous marriage IS the ultimate love relationship in every possible way. Backintheday folks took their marriage vows to heart @ Till death do us part/For better or worse/In sickness & health & of course ‘What GOD has joined no man can divide’..Somewhere in those vows I’d like to believe that didn’t include a laundry list of other partners like Tiger..Didn’t it? Or have marriages always been soiled with serial cheating? As usual my questions invoke more questions..>>

Having said all the above..WHY is it that all the HOT guys these days are MARRIED? Lawd! I can’t be the only one that notices this..And WHY aren’t their marriage bands soldered onto their fingers?!? Better yet they should have a big, fat tattoo on their forehead that says ‘I AM MARRIED’. Better yet hows about married men just STOP hitting on single women? Go figure it could actually be that simple. The part that is truly deceptive is approaching a single woman/acting single/she has no clue/& then gets slammed couple hours into the conversation with “I really dig you. Alot! But I’m sort of married” WOW talk about false advertising..IF I were POTUS the first law I’d put into place? ALL MARRIED PEOPLE MUST WEAR THEIR WEDDING BANDS>>

The more I think about it this must be a Southern ‘thang…Honestly? It wasn’t something I recall having to deal with on the West Coast..Could that possibly mean there were more faithful married guys there? Hmmmm Is it something in the tropical air that makes guys FORGET they have a wife at home? Or is the new norm for marriage? I most certainly hope it isn’t because I, for one, am so looking forward to marriage again..One last time for the rest of this life journey..I’m sure I’ll turn a blind eye to most of my next husband’s faults..For I fall short of perfection myself..BUT if he ever ‘EVA tries to walk out of the house without his wedding band on?!? I’ll let y’all figure out what my solution will be to that scenario. And that’s the end of my rant/vent ..Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever Sincere, Berna(the 1 & Only)

*crickets chirping* No comments from the peanut gallery? I’d love to read comments from the happily married folks out there..And because I enjoy learning from an array of viewpoints; I’d love to hear from earlier serial cheaters..Or even folks who have cheated once & learned from the experience..Heck, I wouldn’t mind reading comments from someone/anyone who is now cheating..ALL comments/viewpoints will be respected ; I promise..Most of all I’m curious IS marriage still the IN thing? Or has it become an outdated tradition? Come on folks sound off & lets rap>>

Posted in ^^Thought Provoking^^

^What Makes a Woman WIFE Material^ From an EXwife’s Perspective

..It’s NO secret I loved being married!/miss being married/and WILL be married one last time..Its also no secret I’ve been on the longest dating-marriage-hiatus I’ve ever been on..3 yrs to be exact..Its been good for me & I’ve used my time wisely to do ME..But enough is enough..For one thing this celibacy thing is NO laughing matter..It GOT real rough(I actually think I went through WITHdrawals..Ugh)..And end of September? Once I clear a few more things off my to-do list; I’m officially putting myself back on the market. I might even become a multi-dater for a quick minute; because time is precious..And? My next deadline is rapidly approaching..I said I’d be “engaged” by the end of the year I made 50 yrs old. So its time for me to get a social life & get BUSY. Y’all ready for this list of wife material stuff? >>

( These aren’t in any specific order at all..Just a list of things I learned from experiencing marriage/experience divorce UGH I do NOT ever want to go through divorce again/observing my parents marriage of 51 yrs and going strong../taking notes from my male friends.

> Ladies, do NOT ask for your significant other’s OPINION; if you really don’t want to hear the truth. Excellent friend of mine told me, ‘ Do NOT ask a question; that you really do NOT want the answer to’ For instance..That pathetic question @ Honey, do I look FAT in this dress??? OMG knowing dang full well that IF he says you DO look like a fat; you’re going to be MAD at him for the rest of the night..2nd part of this IS..Appreciate your man’s opinion for what it IS. His opinion…If you can’t appreciate/respect/and truly LISTEN to your man’s opinion? Then your man just might be with the wrong woman. Moving right along>>

ONE of guys biggest pet peeves about women IS the nagging & whining! Ladies? IF you’ve got something that you’re SO unhappy about it makes you whine & bitch & moan alll the time; work to CHANGE it. It really IS just that simple..What is funny about it is women who whine & complain? Do NOT like to be around other woman who do it..So WHY torture your man with it? I might catch some heat from women for that; but y’all know it is the TRUTH. And to piggy back on that; I’m a heterosexual woman and I get tired of being around women who NAG. OMG enough is enough..IF you feel the need to nag & correct & micromanage your man allll the time? Then you might just be with the WRONG man..Quietly agree to be just friends..IF he doesn’t figure it out first and RUN>>

Don’t “act” one way to snag your man; then change UP …Most men want you to be REAL..They’ll respect that alot more than “airs” & “fakeness”..Bottom line is it is either a match or not..And it is better to know before marriage; and not during the marriage. People evolve as it is..Part of the magic of long-term relationships is maintaining ‘the connection’; through the evolvements..BUT if you start with being a LIE; than said relationship is doomed from the onset. >>

Appreciate and RESPECT your man..IN public or alone together; men want to be respected just as women do. I hear women say often; they want to marry UP..I’ve yet to meet a man though who wants to be treated like a big, fat wallet! Times have changed; we women saw to that when we GOT the liberation we wanted..Respect & appreciate your man & he’ll spoil you forever..>>

Contrary to the rumor , from what I’ve heard, men don’t marry bitches..So forget what you heard..Men are attracted to women who are genuine and kind. It isn’t something that can be faked nor conjured up either..Just comes naturally. And when you treat your guy like a king; he’ll treat you like the queen that you are>>

I’ll be back on this topic in September when I’m back on the market..Till then happy hunting girlfriends!

Posted in LOVE

^MALE Call..Its About High^ Time..

**Ask ANY single, eligible woman about her “LIST” and without even asking you to specify “what list”..Off she’ll go with giving you an INdepth description of what she longs for in a significant other. I believe it’s a list that begins to form in a woman’s mind from the time of little girlhood. (a Berna’ism so don’t look for that phrase in any dictionary) The List comes into existence all on its OWN. Compiled from the onset starting with HOW a little girl feels about her very own Father/Daddy/Pops/Dad/Pa..Add to that her life experiences & lessons learned in her love relationships. Here I go are y’all ready for this? I stay ready and I’m more than ready for my The One to discover me. Here is my new-revised-and-improved-“List”. –All I Want in a Man IS..–>>

#1..My “new” #1 has risen UP the list..It used-2-be far down in my ranking. My old #1 ‘was has to be highly attractive/fit’. Now? MUST BE A BELIEVER.. I’ve come to learn this is something I won’t compromise..Not only that there is really nothing to add to this . It’s a must for me. Exclamation mark. Period.

#2..COMMUNICATION skills. I’m a talker..I will without a shadow of a doubt tell/express to my future man what I need, what I desire, what I dream, what I think I want; everything and all things Bernadette. I am NOT yet good enough to read minds; nor do I have a desire to. That takes far too much work! I require & desire a man who can put more than 2 sentences together to express his thoughts/his dreams/his needs/his goals/his wants. Sidebar: His WORD must be bond. So I’m attaching trust-worthy onto this topic. I WILL believe what you say is true..So my future man must be reliable & stand by his word. He’ll say what he means & mean what he says. He’ll DO what he says he’s going to do. Or have a pretty dang good reason for not being able to do it. Or set a later date for being able to do so.

#3..MUST be a good Father. I have issues with a man not being a good Father. Simply can’t respect an absentee Father. I make NO excuse for feeling this way..and it goes far back into my past. Least 30 years & counting! IF you’re not MAN enough to have supported your own seed, financially & emotionally, then you’re not the MAN for me. Enough said. (truth be told this is another long topic for another time..) Oh! Exclamation point. Period.

#4 ALPHA characteristics..This has moved down the list but it’s still highly important to me in my significant other. My male counterpart. I’ve come to learn its a MUST. I have a higher level of respect for a man, as my man, that holds these qualities. I’ve a STRONG solid personality; and that’s the #1 reason I require this quality in my mate. As luck would have it; it’s also the type of brother I’m also very attracted to..

#5 Nice looking/fit/health conscious..Moved this down my list a bit..NOT because I don’t dig a brother that is good-looking; but because the aforementioned qualities matter more. Physical attraction does matter..Just isn’t my #1 anymore. As I’ve evolved. Hand in hand with this quality I’m piggy backing ..Personable/Sociable. I’m very much a people-loving-social-butterfly..Put me in a room of folks I don’t know; and minutes later I’ll be chatting with someone. Doesn’t matter the arena nor platform..So only makes sense I’d be attracted to someone with this quality. And I am.

#6 DRAMAless as humanly possible.. I don’t bring it/I don’t welcome it/I don’t need it in my life. Period. I come in peace/I welcome peace/I’ve no patience(nor time) for anything nor anybody who keeps drama floating around them or starts it. Period

#7 Good Heart! Highly important to me..I view/feel people I connect with from the inside out..The warm vibes I feel from a person, including friends, is what draws me to them. My vibe meter has rarely failed me(99.9% accurate so far) Natural compassion for others is something I’m attracted to in a man..Very

#8 Last but not least I can truly appreciate a positive thinker. There are enough things in life that can bring us down or draw tears from us..Takes much effort to always try hard to see the sunny side UP. Even on our darkest days there’s something we can find to smile about; IF we just recall to count our blessings.

**Well folks that’s my “list” I’m of the belief we can wish things into existence..Its called praying with intent. Or least that’s what I’ve found myself doing this past 2 years. And so far? Its yielded pretty good results…Hoping my list reels my biggest WISH for 2013 on in! Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4 ever sincere, Berna (the 1 N only)

Posted in LOVE, ^^Thought Provoking^^, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

**IS Your LOVE Language BEING Heard?**

**I adore this topic..A good friend of mine said it was a must read years ago & he was right. Gary Chapman’s ‘The 5 Love Languages’ is one of the BEST books I’ve ever read..Do you know your love language? Do you know that its difficult to maintain a relationship; IF your spouse/significant other doesn’t know your love language? Later in this post I’ll reveal what my love language IS..never know my future last husband might be reading this! And hopefully ya’ll will share or reflect on what yours is..

^Before I get into my informal review of the book; I’m dropping a link for ya’ll to possibly discover what your love language IS. Just in case you don’t yet know ..Simply click on the link to take a brief, fun!, quiz to figure out what your love language is>

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

~

~Many of us have relationship questions prior to entering we (I) wonder…Is there a way to know if we’re a match? Once in a relationship we(I) wonder..How is it possible to keep the love strong & solid? Falling IN love isn’t something we have control over; but it takes a concerted effort to stay IN love. Mayhaps knowing what one’s own love language is could help in countless ways; those of us who want a HOME RUN when next we fall *in love* for the last time..Lets dig a bit deeper>

Personally, I don’t know what the statistics are for couples 2 share the same love language(s). And while I do know that opposite can surely attract; I feel when opposite love languages exist it takes more than communication to overcome. Ever wonder WHY your spouse or significant other just doesn’t seem to understand what you’re communicating? Ever heard the saying that sometimes love isn’t enough to make things work out forever? Been there, done that..and thankfully we’re still great friends. However , much as I adore my wonderful friends; I’m SO ready to be *in love* one last time…I’m also ready to do what it takes to make it last 4ever…So how does one identify & learn to speak their significant other’s love language? How does one learn what their own love language is? Allow me to dig yet a little deeper>

^First, let me say(especially since I know my ex reads me here, lol!) I’ve had wonderful love relationships. In order to have closure; I had to figure out what went wrong for it to end in friendship & the love didn’t maintain itself. Honestly? I think we just didn’t understand what the other’s love language was..Thus! we loved, loved!, loved yet there were needs not being met(I’m not talking about the physical needs…) Knowing & meeting those needs is the key to long, lasting love relationships. Or so it is my belief at this phase of my life. From my experiences & from seeing, first hand, how well my own parents marriage of 51 years works. (they can communicate without a word being said out loud…amazing to watch!) Yet, there is a far greater amount of folks who love each other ; who aren’t staying connected. And it is in those situations that sincerity plus love still isn’t enough…Staying IN love takes work! So lets tackle this list down quickly and I’ll use myself as an example. Ready? I am, so lets do this>

Words of Affirmation= For some folks actions do NOT always speak louder than words…Some folks need to hear the  infamous 3 words said@ ‘I love YOU’. And they need to hear compliments, kind words, plenty of words of appreciation. Alot! Try this daily once you learn your partner needs this. IF you don’t; they’ll tend to lean towards someone who DOES. And when you’re in love with someone..this shouldn’t be a hard task at all. Personally? This is something I do naturally! Even with my loved ones, friends, coworkers. Honestly? I’d not be with someone who didn’t speak to me in this way naturally..thus, this is NOT one of my love languages. This is the  basic way I communicate  & its what I’m attracted to. My preference? ACTIONS do speak louder than words. IF you say you love me; yet don’t show me you love me then that speaks volumes to me. And I won’t stay in that relationship. Exclamation point. Period. Moving right along…

Gifts=There are some women who get off on receiving lavish gifts. There are some men who get off buying lavish gifts 4 women. Its not supposed to be mistaken for materialism; but the thought & effort behind the gift. I feel differently…so this is NOT my love language. I don’t feel my love can be bought with gifts. My love is priceless! Therefore there is no gift that can match that…Having said that I adore receiving gifts ; but I’m also just as likely to give gifts. Even something as unique as I am..like a framed poem I’ve written especially for my significant other. In my world a gift doesn’t have to be bought or purchased. A cobbler made in my honor(I loved that!) can bring a big kool-aid grin to my face.(even if I have to work out extra hours its worth it lol!) Or a handpicked bouquet of flowers can also melt my heart in an instant…it is the little things that matter more to me. Priceless! Moving right along>

Physical Touch=This is MY #1  love language. I’ll readily admit it. I’m a toucher. I even talk in an animated manner , with my hands, when I’m excited. I hug when I’m happy to see my friends/relatives/church family/coworkers even from time2time. I think one way we connect is by..touch. Otherwise we’d be robots. I think its why God gave us 2 hands; so we could touch twice as much. I love holding hands! IF I grab your hand when we take a simple walk; it means I like you alot. This , I think, stems from my Mom holding hands with us when we were younger…Or maybe I like touch so much because I was breast fed. I don’t really know “why”; I just know thats the way I’m wired. I feel most connected to my significant other; when a part of our bodies are touching one another. I learned this about myself and it is highly important to know about me. Enough on this topic because I could go on & on 4ever…

Quality Time= This is my #2 love language without a doubt. For me spending quality time 2gether makes me feel as special as I am…I dig it alot! It means you care enough about lil ole me; to give me your undivided attention. Or taking time to do something that you know matters to ME. Like reading my blog and learning more about what makes me tick. Major turn ON..A walk along the beach alone. A picnic planned for ‘us’ by my significant other. Anything that involves ‘just us time” with NO distractions. Cell phones off, no T.V.’s, no contact with the outside world. I love it and I love it alot!

Acts of Service=This love language is one in which a person likes to serve their partner…These things are done with love because one wants to please their partner by DOing for them. Its something that comes so naturally for me , that I don’t consider it as a love language of mine. My Mom is big on this one and passed it on to me..We do as an expression of our love not obligation.

Well folks thats a wrap!  Hope you enjoyed something new you can use in your relationship/future relationship. I enjoyed writing it & re-hashing the book . Until I write/read ya’ll again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)

Posted in @Cultural, FABulous 50 Bday anticipation.., LOVE, WOW, ^^Thought Provoking^^, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

>I Want The Type of LOVE That Isn’t…Disposable

Single, Sexy, and very Smart..it is beginning to feel like a curse! In the love department. I’ll never get to write about fiction; because real life is FAR more exciting plus full of UNDANGbelievable moments..Hold onto your hats & wigs folks ! This might get a little raw and as always totally real..but I’m almost 50 yrs old I can say what I feel and mean & mean what I say. Right? Yep, I’m very right about alot more than I give myself credit for. Till now. Ya’ll ready for this? Ready..Get set..

 

Here i GO..This might very well come off as a rant, possibly even venting. I’d prefer to say it is a ..release of pent-UP unexpressed sentiment. Having recently relocated from the Right Coast to the Left Coast; I’ve finally! begun to like it here.  All is falling into place and I no longer(sort of..) feen for my beloved Cali. Truly dig the people here, have made FABULOUS friends here, and I love my JOB. And yet, for the 1st time in my life I seem to be attracting alot of married brothers! I don’t get it ..but I swear if ONE more approaches me , in anything-other-than-a-friendship-type-of-“thang”; I will scream! And I won’t be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth…I don’t think married guys realize the total and UTmost disrespect that is to a woman. Not to mention their wife..and on my pisstivity meter it rates a 10 out of 10.

Certainly we all know there are women who go after married men on purpose…They even see it as a personal challenge to go for unavailable and married men. Anyone who knows me knows that without a shred of doubt; I am NOT one of those women. I want, deserve!, and am patiently (trying dang hard not to fall off the wagon..) awaiting for my “the one” to find me. Maybe because this is the longest timeframe I’ve been single; I’m throwing off pheromones like crazy. Or least that is the line that someone recently used on me; as IF. I’d even go as far as to say, and I have, that I’m pretty vulnerable right about now(no matter how strong I project I am & feel I am) Nonetheless the type of love relationship I’m seeking does NOT include a married brother..and I’ll briefly attempt to explain why. >

First of all it makes me feel cheap and dirty! And I hope some of ya’ll are reading this..Mayhaps it will make ya’ll think twice about hitting hard on single women. As IF having a wife at home isn’t enough. And what the heck happened to the time when everyone WORE a wedding band?!? When I was married IF my husband had walked around without his wedding band on..it would’ve sent off a major alarm in my head. Although truth be told if your man is going to cheat; you could wrap his entire body in wedding bands & he’ll still cheat. A cheater will find a way to cheat in a locked room by themselves! Or so it is my belief…and yep I’ve got major issues with cheating-while-married. For a reason. It happened to me. Once upon a time long ago. And literally broke my heart into tiny fragmented pieces…(though we’re great friends now, forgiveness works wonders!)

Isn’t it quite unfair to dangle candy in front of a baby; and then say the baby can’t have the candy? That is exactly what it feels like to “think” someone is single; only to find out surprise! he’s charming/HOT/funny!/personality to die for but MARRIED. When in actuality that is something that should be well known from the get-go. I just feel anything less when approaching a woman is perpetuating a fraud. And one step further so are the married ones who say they’re cool with friendship..and then bam! Swooooop down and hit on a woman so hard it can quite literally take her breath away. Note: Insert the word “men” & “wife”  in the following picture..>

We all fall short of perfection. I get that; and I have my hand held UP high that I’m not perfect. I’ll say it one ‘mo time for the record. I don’t even strive to be perfect anymore. Being perfect would make me..boring. And if anyone reading this has met a perfect person; point them out I’d like to finally see what a perfect person really looks like. I say allll of that to say married folks can do whatever they please. I care less..do YOUR thing and do it well. BUT don’t include me in it. I want no parts of it. As IF I want to be next in line to be sitting at home; waiting on a husband who is working hard to get next to a single woman. Or mayhaps only I look at it from that perspective. It really does, for a minute, hurt my feelings that said married brothers would think that little of me. For a minute…then after that minute or so passes? I get MAD..especially if I felt the temptation. That leads me back again to level 10 on my pisstivity meter. I’m not there often; and I don’t like being there. Exclamation mark. Period

Someone recently said  something; and this saying is getting so OLD. I’ve tired of hearing it because I simply refuse to believe it. They said that all of the good brothers are either married; or in prison. NOT..I won’t comment on the either of those situations. What I will say is this. I exist/divorced & single & sexy, attractive & physically fit/and I’m a dang good woman. And I’ve got a couple single girl friends who are even more fabulous than I am.  So since we exist then there have GOT to be 3 HOT heckafied brothers out there also…and I know mine is looking for me. He is searching for me high & low. I can feel it in my bones. I’m thinking about getting a T -shirt that says “Here i AM baby & I waited just for U” Lol! Actually thats not a bad idea..

Bottom line is I love everyone..I truly, truly LOVE/admire/cherish/dig my brotha’s. And 99.9% of the time I get nothing but MAD, and I mean mad props, from my brothers. Including friendships that I treasure dearly..but I just had to add these thoughts as a footnote. Often times folks, including me, can do things that we don’t know offend others. I’m making it known, again, I find it highly offensive. Enough said…Until I write/read ya’ll again stay UPlifted and blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna(the one & only)

Posted in ***DPCHALLENGE, *DP CHALLENGE>Post A Day*, @Cultural, LOVE, Post a Day 2013, WOW, ^Encouraging Words, ^^Thought Provoking^^, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

~MANsharing..WHY are Black Women Supporting this?!?

This topic is as REAL as it gets! I’ve got a naturally nuturing/loving spirit..To love is part of my DNA..Anyone who knows me  can attest that I’ll literally give the shirt off my back to someone in need. And I have…without being asked I’ll give. Whether its money to someone holding UP a sign @will work for food…I’m a giver. And I feel we should all share of what we have to those in need; even if we’re close to broke our dang selves. BUT one thing I will NOT share, UNequivocally, is my MAN. I expect women to look..because I’ve got excellent taste..but do NOT touch him. Ever. And ever is a very long time. So read my lips so the message is clear..I won’t participate in MANsharing. But we all know it exists…It might even be common place for some. So much so there are jokes about it & many articles written on MANsharing among Black women.  I laugh alot! Probably more than the average person..but this is no laughing matter. And I’m so serious..I’m not down with O.P.P.(is that term even used anymore??? well if not I’m bringing it back) My man is considered Private Stock(a term my ex taught me 🙂 ) so flirt if you must because he’ll be HOT… (I’m single at the moment or certainly I’d not be writing on Valentine’s  evening. So this message is for when I start dating again.  lol! ) but do NOT touch my MAN…

Some of the terms, for lack of a better word, used to describe “love triangles” these days are: Main chicks, Side Chicks, Mansharing…For anyone who watches reality tv, which I don’t!, you might have seen some of this laid out in living color(and REALness) on the show”Love and Hip Hop Atlanta”..I ran across a narrative while on a Black website; I was interacting in a group online discussion about Black Love Relationships. And first let me say , OMG! To say my hair was blown back is an understatement…I had NO idea ‘polyamourous coupling’ could be considered an IN thing these days. Or least enough to have it shown on the boob tube. Backintheday we used to called those type of arrangements; open relationships or just plain ole cheating! But seems things have changed or have they?

These days apparently many women , in accepting their rights to sexual freedom and choice, are far less ashamed of those choices…even when they’re generally seen/portrayed as indecent. What usually happens when these love triangles or mansharing accounts are heard of or discovered!(sometimes by an un-assuming wife/girlfriend) the heavier side of blame is placed on the woman involved in the arrangement. She is scorned in some cases and called every name under the sun; except a child of GOD. I know because I’ve been on the flip side of that coin myself. Yep! I was once a very, totally “UNassuming” wife who got the surprise of my life..which also broke my heart into a cazillion pieces. But moving right along….

However, as we get to “the other side of feelings”; also known as getting over a broken heart or lost love..we begin to analyze the “entire situation” and often times can understand” somewhat” how that certain situation came about…Or least those of us that want to truly heal & forgive when we’ve been hurt by someone practice this. So anyways how does a 3rd party come into a marriage or relationship? Is it always KNOWN by the 3rd party that said man is married or taken? Are there women who prey on married men and consider them a challenge? Last but not least the question that begs to be answered…Are there rising numbers of MANsharing among Black women because of the shortage of BLACK men due to high rate of Black men behind bars in our country?!? Here is the take on those answers and the way I see it..

At this point in my life I’ve grown to believe things I never thought I’d believe when I was alot younger…Grey area DOES exist! I used to think everything was either Black or White. That everything either was or wasn’t..and that simply isn’t the case. I now believe that one person can be IN love with two people. Might seem like its impossible to alot of ya’ll out there…but that is because it hasn’t yet happened to you. You’ll have to trust me on this one. Also , I think sometimes folks get into “situations” and don’t know how to get out of them. Lets call it getting caught UP. I also think sometimes people that aren’t totally “satisfied” in a relationship can easily wind UP having an affair. BUT I also think some Sista’s have been duped by Brotha’s who don’t reveal the truth from the onset…Many a woman has probably, nope has!, gotten involved not knowing the man was married. Or the infamous statement IS= He’ll say he is married; but separated…In my opinion until the ink is wet on the divorce decree you’re still MARRIED. I told this brother that once who said he’d been separated for 3 years. 3 years! And as MUCH as I was digging him I said when you’ve gotten your divorce and IF I’m still single; give me a buzz. And he did!

In my heart of hearts I just think there is a way to conduct ourselves like we respect ourselves. Like a lady. Sounds corny but I mean it..Doesn’t mean we can’t have sex appeal or even flirt. Sex appeal is as natural as the air we breathe..IF you got it , then flaunt IT. But with some amount of decency and class. IF a woman doesn’t respect or honor her OWN self/body; how the heck can we expect a man do to the same by us?!? That answer is easy to see; even for a blind person.

For folks that are into poly-relationships..as long as its all mutually agreed upon..do your thing! Its a free country and you can have at it if you like…Not my style because the one thing in life I’m selfish about is my MAN. I do not nor will I share. Not yesterday, not today, and not whenever I get into my next/last! relationship. But for the Sista’s into chasing married men…or adding notches to some sort of married belt. What is going to happen whenever ya’ll settle down & finally get married?? What IF some marriedmanchasingsista comes along and snags YOUR husband??! What will you then think about women who have no issue DOing a married man? Sometimes we should think about the flip side of things; before we do them. Having a heart helps…and also karma is a B! The good news? One can repent and regroup for their past transgressions. That is the beauty of this life journey. Having said all of that there should be a couple unspoken Sista rules when dating…Ya’ll ready for this?

Rule 1. IF he only calls you during work hours of the day and not on the weekend at all. He IS married or in a relationship. And thus not worthy. Period

Rule 2. IF he tells you he is married but separated…I don’t care how many years. He IS still married. And thus someone else’s MAN. Legally. Period

Rule 3. IF he is the ex of a friend of yours…Not worth possibly ruining your relationship with your friend. I don’t care how fine or cute he is.

Rule 4. IF he asks for your number but can’t/won’t give you his. MARRIED. Run quickly from this situation before it even becomes a situation. Period

Rule 5. IF you know he is either married or taken…Walk away or just engage in friendship. Even talking or flirting with the idea of a relationship can lead to an emotional attachment. And getting emotionally attached or falling in love! with a man that isn’t available will drain you/block your blessings/and guarantee your heart will be crushed

Posted in ***DPCHALLENGE, *DP CHALLENGE>Post A Day*, Health Matters*, Positive Movement Topic, WOW, ^^Thought Provoking^^, ~To B Continued, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

~~SEX~~ DP CHALLENGE *PostADay..Berna’s Way..

~ ~One of my fave sayings IS “IF U can’t talk about it with me ; then I guarantee we’ll never have SEX!” ~Parents should rightfully B discussing SEX with their children LONG before their children have SEX~WHY  parents afraid 2 discuss SEX with their children set them UP to feel SEX is dirty for life; when it is NOT~The rule @No glove/No love should RULE these days…>>Those are just a few of the things  I feel like talking about …I’ll keep it tasteful BUT with the mindset that SEX is natural N beautiful..Are ya’ll ready  for me? Get ready. Get set…Lets rap!

>>”Sex and romance may seem inextricably linked, but the human brain clearly distinguishes between the two, according to a new study. The upshot: Love is the more powerful emotion.

The results of brain scans speak to longstanding questions of whether the pursuit of love and sex are different emotional endeavors or whether romance is just warmed over sexual arousal.

“Our findings show that the brain areas activated when someone looks at a photo of their beloved only partially overlap with the brain regions associated with sexual arousal,” said Arthur Aron of the State University of New York-Stony Brook. “Sex and romantic love involve quite different brain systems.”

 

The study, announced today, will be detailed in the July issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology.<<

**Trying to tackle this topic from several angles so bear with me as I work my way into it..

>>2  quotes  from a source I respect( & have read many of his books)  I’d like to mention here before I go further :

“~Any feeling is both mental and physical~”
Deepak Chopra, Spiritual Solutions: Answers to Life’s Greatest Challenges

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.”
Deepak Chopra

Working my way slowly into this topic, deeper N deeper ,so  hang on folks I’m getting there..

*Although far too many people think the entire importance lies between one’s legs…that simply is NOT true. Sex begins with mental seduction. When the mental seduction is mutual sex turns into making love= Real love. One of the highest of highs @ Orgasm happens between one’s ears..*In the Mind/Brain*..Am I breaking it down or what?? Moving right along so stay tuned<

Disclaimer: Anything that I say here or elsewhere on my blog site is MY opinion. Based on my beliefs N life experience including a TON of reading..>

Since 1992 California public schools have been required by law to teach HIV/AIDS education at least once during middle school and once during high school . To follow a list of guidelines including age appropriate ..BUT what is to determine what any of those guidelines actually mean?? As a parent I was never comfy “not knowing” exactly what was being taught to our sons. And even though I read the literature I requested from the school beforehand I still wasn’t comfy…yet I signed it. I felt the more info our sons had the better..In addition I discovered sex education is NOT required by law to be taught in California public schools. YET 96% of California public schools do provide sex health education classes as an option from grades K- 12..though there are NO guidelines by law until the 7th grade..Which is when I signed the consent forms for our 3 sons to take the course. When my eldest took the course I was still very, very nervous about talking about SEX to him. So I welcomed any and all information or outside sources teaching him sex education. Including my now ex-husband…By the time our youngest was in the 7th grade I was well informed N confident to teach him alot more at home myself as did my now ex-husband..We were pro’s on the topic by then & had added sex education to our very hands-on n N involved parenting style. 10 years prior I’d never have dreamed! that I’d engage or advocate giving a teenager condoms..BUT no one ever promised that parenting would be an easy job. It is by far the most “difficult” job I’ve ever held and yet by FAR the most rewarding & important! Furthermore I advocate allowing an environment in which youth can talk to their parents about ANYthing..and our sons have. (the beauty of having 2 involved parents is if they can’t talk to one about something ; they’ve got another parent to talk to ..awesome arrangement!)  I’m not yet a grandparent and all 3 of my sons are alive N healthy..One of my worst parental fears is they’d experience sex and catch something that could kill them! Or become parents before they’d reached their educational goals..Neither of those things have happened. Thanks to my mighty GOD and an outstanding co-parent/male role model. IF you truly love your child talk to them about sex very early on…And if need be give them condoms! Be thankful they could come to talk to you honestly about the topic. Provide condoms even before they do…those just-in-case-the-first-time-comes-before-prepared-with-safety-items has yielded in many teenage pregnancies..In my opinion in this day N age teenage pregnancy rates should NOT be at the high rate they’re at. Condoms are handed out like lollipops now! In California you can get them at alot of clinics for FREE…

*SEX-Positive Liberals advocate that sex BEfore marriage IS a valid choice for “nearly” everyone…or at least for 95% of Americans. Hmmm, who knew? Or , really?!? IS sexual morality truly about how long one waits? Or should it be about how one treats themselves/carries themselves/respects themselves ~N~ the people they’re with.

Question: Are long lasting love relationships made through intimacy? Is teaching the youth abstinence ONLY working out? Or are the youth STILL having sex before marriage? What is the percentage of single adult parents practicing abstinence? What leads to the most stable marriages; feminist values or traditional ones? These are some of the questions I’m going to attempt to tackle. My words/my uncensored thoughts….

>First, here are the proven benefits of  SEX..Sex releases STRESS. Boosts immunities. It helps to keep one’s heart healthy. Helps you sleep. Lowers blood pressure rates. Burns a ton of calories and is a GREAT form of exercise. Boosts self esteem. Boosts endorphins. (including aids with PMS) Makes prostrate cancer less likely(yep, google it if you don’t believe me..) Youthful glow. Lighter menstrual periods with less cramps. Cures world hunger. (Just kidding! )  Now for where I stand regarding abstinence prior to marriage or between marriages..The Moral Case 4 Abstinence Before Marriage VS. The Moral Case 4 Sex Before Marriage…>>Here is  the QUESTION of a LIFEtime that begs to be answered=

>>IS MONOGAMY A REALISTIC RELATIONSHIP GOAL? IS IT NATURAL TO BE MONOGAMOUS? IS IT POSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN MONOGAMY IN A LONG-TERM LOVE RELATIONSHIP?!?

**In conclusion my bottom line is as follows: Teaching abstinence-only to today’s youth is NOT working. Exclamation point. PERIOD. As someone very dear to me & my co-parenting partner taught me years ago WE as parents must deal with reality and NOT our own fairy tale sugar coated versions of reality …and especially preaching to our youth  B-sISH that WE didn’t even practice in our youth! Yep, I was one of those parents that wanted to only teach abstinence until marriage. However, IF as parents we don’t teach children ALL options and realities; then we aren’t giving them the information/insight/ammunition they’ll need for all given situations. And as a parent that just isn’t responsible…not in my opinion. For those parents that want to teach this one-method type of way. Have at it! Your children, your right to teach them whatever you please..just don’t come crying to me or anyone else when your child winds UP with an early pregnancy they’re UNprepared for(and not mature enough for) Or worse! stricken with an STD that can take their very lives. This is our reality and it IS what it IS. On a moral level? Of course the ideal criteria is to wait to have SEX until married to someone one is IN LOVE with. And yep, as parents one often has to preach/teach things that wasn’t followed by self..Because we are to teach what is right! But for some of us less than perfect people(got my hand help UP high) teaching sons from a stance of  “learn from my mistakes” kind-of-way is working just fine…

**Maybe folks had the right line of thinking backintheday…the 60s Flower Children era. Didn’t it seem(or least from pictures I’ve seen…) that everyone was soooo FREE back then? Live N let live! Make love , not WAR. Peace signs were posted all over the place. Folks singing “What the World Needs Now, is LOVE sweeeeet LOVE…Right? So, what happened to change that mindset? What really happened that veeered the sexual  morality views in our country to be what they are in the here and NOW? Here is the way I see IT..

Way back in the 60s least majority of Americans were HONEST about how they felt SEX..Now? We’ve become a society of “closet” sex-lovers. And only GOD knows what truly goes on behind people’s closed doors..Truth is sex is a beautiful act that was created not just 2 populate but also as the BEST natural anti-depressant. Mayhaps IF more folks were having SEX ..there would be NO need 4 all of the drugs being taken to alter moods out there. Depression has become a very serious issue in our country.(another deep topic for another time..)  Pharmaceutical companies globally are  worth  an estimated  $300 BILLION ..Omg & WOW. 

In an ideal world /situation, youth, it is BEST to wait until marriage to share all of the beauty that sex was created for..Some might ask , “What if I’ve decided I don’t want to get married or have children?” Excellent question! Which is one of the reasons why the “wait for marriage theory” isn’t always a good message to preach. Except from a parental viewpoint….I feel the best way to inform the youth(or anyone..) about a topic; give them all sides. The good, the bad, & the ugly. The whole truth. Which is what I’ve tried 2 do from my perspective in my words here. I don’t believe sexual morality is about how long one waits to have sex..It is moreso about the level of respect a person has for themselves & others. How they carry themselves overall..Youth need to be aware of the dangers of sex and its consequences(which can be lifelong) In the same manner we teach youth the dangers & safety tips on how to drive a car; the same should be done in how we teach them about SEX. When we teach abstinence-only the youth are tuning us OUT..The statistics of the amount of youth having sex makes that evident. My sincere belief? I don’t feel that long-lasting love relationships are established when SEX is introduced early. In rare cases, yes. But overall in my heart of hearts I don’t think so. Yet, I do believe that long-term love relationships are for sure enhanced by sex N without a doubt can’t survive without IT..or least in my world !

Monogamy. Who in their right mind created that?!? Must not have been someone who truly enjoyed good sex…However, having expressed that, I do feel monogamy is the BEST type of long-term love relationship. And it is the only type of relationship for me..I do not feel it is a “natural” state of being though.  We’re hormonal creatures by nature. Some of us moreso than others..(hand held UP high) Men are biologically created & driven! 2 have and 2 want SEX..Lest women ever, ever forget that. (and I think sometimes we do…) So given those 2 facts alone makes it highly difficult to maintain a monogamous relationship. BUT the best things in this life aren’t easily attained nor kept. It IS worth it..True love is worth it. Maintaining the sacredness of a marriage is worth it. And it just feeeeeels right 2 know one’s love partner/mate/spouse/lover; is saving ALL of their special loving for YOU. It causes such a euphoric feeling that there is NO substitute for. Exclamation mark. Period  . I’m ending on that note yall. As always stay UPlifted N blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 n only)

Posted in =Self Discovery=, ^^Thought Provoking^^

SETTLE?!? I think NOT; not even at almost FIFTY(yep, 50!)

Settling is NOT an option

Alright I’m on 1 tonight..translation here comes a BIG rant. So buckle up, lean back/get comfy/kick your shoes off/enjoy the smell of the scented candles because I’ve heard the very, and I mean very last comment@when women get a certain age they better think about re-evaluating their options for a love relationship. As IF! and Pfft! It is time 2 respond to all of those comments. Revving UP but I’m coming back soooon and releasing this train of thought. ~2 B Continued~

1st things 1st..DISCLAIMER: 4 the sake of this line of thought I’m going to use examples said by women, some of them married woman. These are actual accounts and not heresay..Know while reading this for me marriage is the ultimate love relationship; so I mean NO disrespect for the viewpoint I’m getting ready to lay down. However, in response to the aforementioned comments this is my response. And I’m more than sure some of my  single over 35 N up sistas/sisters feel the same way..Although I’ve no issue standing alone with this stance. As I have on many of the things I feel. I can only always speak for myself N this is the way I see IT..

Example#1..Some out there might recognize these lyrics. Song by a woman, a Sista!, and one of my fave singers btw..

“Me and Mr Wrong get along so good (so good)
Even though he breaks my heart so bad (so bad)
We got a special thing going on
Me and Mr Wrong (mister wrong)
Even if I try, no, I never could
Give him up cause his loves like that
Aint no way that I’m moving on
I love my Mr Wrong”

Ok, what is wrong with this picture?? Well , for starters, everything! This is from a popular song from a popular singer. Mary J Blige. Who I dig, alot. BUT what isn’t coooool is that young girls/teens/women listen to this song probably over and over again. And have we not learned that the youth can be easily influenced by things they hear/see? Heck, grown adults are! It is a matter of what we intake that is negative or positive and the impact that can/WILL/does have on our psyche. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out..that is why you’ll find a great deal of academians aka intellectuals don’t even have a “boob tube” in their house(isn’t called a boooob tube for nothing..) I personally know folks that censor what their children hear/see on the tube /radio, etc…I was one of those parents! I recall vividly being in favor even of ratings on video games backintheday…because I hated! buying/renting a game for our sons and turning it on and it had naked/half naked women portrayed or rap music on them…anywayz I digress. My point IS (yep, there is a point ) when did women begin to lower their OWN standards enough to sing it in lyrics?!? I mean come on now…really? Is this the level we have sunk to??? Has anyone else noticed this is becoming more and more the norm? WHY? I can take a man saying such dribble in regards to women, cause they’re men! I don’t expect them to see it from OUR viewpoint, but now women are saying such things with ease…Lawd!

Example #2.”“I just want someone who’s willing to be in the trenches with me,” my single friend Jennifer told me, “and I never thought of marriage that way before.” Two of Jennifer’s friends married men who Jennifer believes aren’t even straight, and while Jennifer wouldn’t have made that choice a few years back, she wonders whether she might be capable of it in the future. “Maybe they understood something that I didn’t,” she said.”

Ok, what is SO wrong about this picture? A wholeeeee lot. Hope you caught it ; but just in case ya’ll didn’t and I quote”two of Jennifer’s friends married men who Jennifer believes AREN’T EVEN STRAIGHT…” Whoa! What???? This was a totally new one I’d not heard of and yep, this was taken from a real account. Matter of fact I’m pulling from the very text of the picture I used for this post up above..So now it has gotten that bad that women aren’t just settling but they’re settling for men they don’t even believe are heterosexual???? UNdangreal..I am beyond not getting that!

Here are just a few real live comments I’ve heard indirectly and directly on the topic. “Over 40 a single woman might just want to drop some of the things on her list of standards..” this was said by a married woman to other married women. Women I respect btw…”I’d rather keeeeep my wooden nickel, than trade it in for another wooden nickel” this was said by a disgruntled married woman complaining to other women that were complaining about their husbands. My comment and thoughts..I do NOT want a wooden nickel at all! A wooden nickel can’t be spent and is worth nothing to me. “You’re not getting any younger; and neither am I N we both want to get married..” this was recently said to ME  by a man. Hmmmm first of all MY biological clock isn’t ticking. I’m finished forever with having children..my last tick tock was 20 years ago. Sorry,  but I can hold out a little longer. For what? The ultimate prize! A happy, fulfilling, marriage with a man that LOVES me as I LOVE him. And for the record that is how I’m going to say it from now on in my prayers to God..Since I realize that sincere prayers are answered I am no longer just praying to get married. I’ve now added subtitles to that request to God. Had to apparently…but anywayz here is another one. “Over 40 and with 2nd or subsequent marriages you no longer marry for love..you marry for security”..this was said to me by a male friend  about a year ago who is on  his 2nd marriage. So then I asked him. “Does your wife know that you married her so  you wouldn’t grow old alone or does she think you married her because you loved her?” I mean IF we’re going to keep it real than that should go both ways. I’m sick and tyeeeed of people giving advice and YET they don’t /haven’t followed it themselves. Isn’t that what they call a hypocrit? Not that I mind folks experienced in something that I’ m not giving me great advice..I welcome it! But let it be something that was actually something experienced by the advice giver…for otherwise you trivialize my situation. In my opinion anyway.

And what is the harm If I want to hang around waiting on the ONE long enough to collect dust on myself anyway? Why do folks seem to feeeeel they have to comment , critique or give advice? I certainly haven’t asked for any, yet. Matter of fact all I’ve done is stated quite openly the goals I set for myself regarding marriage. A date. An expectation I have for myself when I’ll be engaged by…however there is no expiration date on it. At this point I’m willing to wait as long as it takes. Now, I don’t know if that is how I’ll feel if I’m still single mid 2013. Matter of fact as sensitive as this issue has gotten to me lately I don’t know how I’ll feel about this topic an hour from now. As with anything in this life, or least mine, sometimes at the end of the day..especially late in the day..sometimes I myself from time to time doubt goals I’ve set for myself. I am after all my worst critic. I do after all push myself very hard. Very. I’ve often set goals so steeeeep that I was disappointed/crushed when I couldn’t even on my tippy toes reach that high..but isn’t that what goals are suppposed to B? Something to make us reach higher?  To motivate us to not get…complacent? A way to make us constantly strive to do, better?  I could be wrong(wouldn’t be the first time) but that is the way I see IT at this phase of  my life journey. Knocking on 50 I’m still doing all I can to hang onTO my dreams that I left home holding at almost 20 yrs of age. And one of those dreams was to be part of a union, a marriage!, as loving as the one in which I was born into. A marriage which I knew, my brother knew, everyone knew, that come helllll or high water thru all the UPS N downs my parents would stay 2gether and IN love. Forever. It is where I learned the term LIFEmate from. My own Daddy said that long ago about my Mom. WOW. What little girl who heard that wouldn’t keeeeeep reaching/attempting to achieve that? How can said little girl all grown up settle for anything less??? Answer is, she can’t/won’t/simply refuses to settle for anything less than love. And it would be nice, soooo nice, to hear that other women respect and encourage that. I have a cousin that waited single for YEARS, without dating because her standards were that high. I won’t say how long she waited but it was longer than I hope I have to wait! But she had faith in God that her “one” would find her without her having to settle for less. I don’t think she knew, although I was dating at the time, how much I respected her for that and so much more. I should’ve told her..but I didn’t. I do now though because I can relate. We say as Christians we have faith. I hear things like , stand by your faith. Grow your faith stronger in God. Matter of fact this is the Year of Faith in my church. Well, I’m trying with all my might to stand on  my faith in alot of things. Alot. And every day, instead of getting easier, truth B told it is getting harder. I really needed to write this out to work it out..I pray/hope there is a young women out there reading this that is in the same situation I’m in. I want her to know it can be done. Or least it can be attempted even at almost 50 yrs of age..Try hard to stand fast in your beliefs. Your dreams. Your goals. Take it one day at a time step by step driving forward to gain them. And for heavens sake have FUN and laugh, laugh, laugh, and love. love, LOVE  along the way. 4ever sincere Berna(the 1 n only)

 

Posted in Things That Make U Say Hmmmm@

+WOMANing UP+

                                                                      

Can ya’ll believe I got a special request! WOW ..I’m not one 2 try to disappoint so I figured I’d go for it..Plus might B  kind of fun to write out what my actual expectations are. For the people that requested this I believe(I didn’t even ask..) probably by this time are curious (because I talk sooo much smack about this topic!) @ what type of brother I’d call a “potential” (mentioned that briefly in a prior post) N for the record I doubt highly if I’ll have this much freee time when I’m no longer single.Although who knows because I “make” time (at Odark thirty times like now..) in my very, busy schedule to do what I love 2 do..Write. Only place I don’t yet write is church. (and I’ll probably figure out a way soon to do that 2) So stay tuned folks(and btw its AWESOME to get the feeedback from ya’ll online and my offline family/friends/coworkers that my blog is enjoyable to read . even my ex reads this..blew my hair back! that is my way of saying I am humbled…) later after church I’m going to list (yep I’ve kept mental notes..) what I desire in a lifemate. The must haves. The wont do withouts. The wont settle for lesses. The DEALbreakers..The things I’m willing 2 work with..My entire list. Buckle UP this is going to be good..I can hardly wait 2 see this list myself. 🙂

I’m finally back! Wasn’t sure I was going to make it back 2night but here we go…First things First..Disclaimer: IF this post appears to be all about ME..it is because it IS. At this point of my life, for the 1st! time in my life, I’ve had the unique opportunity for the past 15 months to just do ME. Sons raised N in college(in other states than where I reside), single, divorced-yet-very-good-friends-with-exhusband who also resides cross country, happily/gainfully employed by a government entity, HAPPY! , busy, busy, busy, and very content to do me while I wait on the ONE to discover me. Once he finds me  then my ” just doing me” time will end. Far from desperate and trying to use every moment of precious time to live life to the fullest. There is life sans a man…N its so very good to me. YET its my belief that the missing link that will amp things UP and make life even sweeter is when my I becomes a We. Now that this is out of the way lets move on 🙂

As stated in a prior post I believe there are 3 categories guys fall into. Ever heard that old adage@many fish in the sea? It is so very true yet in my hearts of  hearts I believe there IS truly only ONE out there that God created just to love me N only me..I believe he’s looking for me! And I’m standing over here, at 5’4, waving my hand in the air so he can see me in the crowd. Here I stand and am I ever SO ready for you to walk into my life…yet staying busy in the interim and BEing patient. Or if truth be told I’m trying very hard to B..So anywayz as I was saying guys fall into 3 categories when meeting new folks. 1. Potential. defined simply as a potential lifemate..2. Just friends..right out the gate I can sense this..3. Toss them back into the pond & quickly! dont have an interest to even be friends because their qualities are severely lacking anything remotely near respectful..Now that ya’ll know the background on what I was referencing lets move on to my list. Ready? Get set. Lets go!

the Must haves=

  • must B a practicing Christian! My #1 N I won’t settle 4 less
  • must B a responsible  parent physically, emotionally N mentally(if a parent)
  • MUST have good communication skills! my #2 because I’m not a mind reader nor will I pretend 2 B.
  • is DONE fishing. simply said I’ve got NO love/patience 4 a player. exclamation point period.
  • emotionally available N if this needs 2 B explained then you aren’t..so therefore don’t qualify
  • kind . yep, this honestly matters 2 me
  • their “word” is like a handshake(N solid)  used 2 B backintheday..this truly matters 2 me also
  • HONEST..this is my #3 and goes hand in hand with their “word” being solid
  • Confident! I truly dig Alpha brothers so this comes naturally…
  • LOYAL..this is a close runner up to  my #2..another exclamation point period.
  • RESPECTS  his parents..this is a MUST..the adage@ if he respects his mother he’ll respect his woman  is true
  • TRUSTworthy ..this ranks somewhere between my #1 N #2
  • is cognizant of my feelings N mindful that I’m a naturally sensitive person
  • *HEALTH conscience* Life longevity is important 2 me. And feeeeeeling good from the inside out. While I don’t require someone that is a body builder I do desire someone who cares about their appearance including their health N what shape they’re in physically. Maintaining oneself physically/mentally/spiritually/emotionally  is something I feel is important

the things I am willing 2 work with=

  • I pray he has an appreciation 4 music N can dance! however I’m willing 2 work with it if he doesn’t
  • practices chilvary..while I do love this it is something I can take or leave..long as he is goooood 2 me
  • can appreciate a woman who can amuse herself from time2time(my writing!) and he can have “whatever”time(whatever HE chooses 2 do also)
  • attentive N fully engaged when interacting…this matters 2 me and shouldve been in the must-haves!

the DEALbreakers=

  • can’t handle monogamy..I can’t/won’t deal with cheating. highest form of disrespect to me N our “we”
  • asks 2 borrow  money the 1st 90 days of dating..OMG this is so much a dealbreaker!
  • LIES to me or is deceitful. this is a runner UP of my #1. I’m an open book and my man will B also
  • tries 2 change ME and won’t accept ME/love ME/cherish ME as I am. another close runner UP of my #1
  • has substance abuse issues=Illegal drugs isn’t my style. N though I gave UP social drinking quite some time ago (years ago now..) N I’ve no problem with folks drinking socially; matter of fact I don’t know many folks who don’t drink socially (tho I ride on a natural high N have just as much FUN now as when I was a social drinker..)BUT there is a major difference between a social drinker and abusing alcohol. N if I have 2 explain the difference than you probably don’t qualify..
  • MARRIED..this is my #1 in the dealbreaker category. Within the 1st few mins of meeting a woman 1st time a brother SHOULD rightfully make sure it IS clear if he’s married…Nowadayz I guess the IN thing is to not wear a wedding ring.Pfft! I won’t get deep on this topic(thats another topic for another time…) Just please do NOT attempt to “hit” on me while married; for I won’t be held responsible for what will come from my lips..N nope! with that kind of beginning we can NOT be friends either..
Posted in =Self Discovery=, Motivational!, Things That Make U Say Hmmmm@, WOW, ^^Thought Provoking^^

*Chivalry is NOT dead..But what the HECK happened 2 the COURTING process??*

What Happened to Us
What Happened to Us (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Alright folks this  ONE  I can really sink my teeth into! And  at this phase of my life journey I can relate ..Not alot of topics I’ve written on here yet that I am going through as I write or speak on it..But this is IT. Lol!!  Saving this space for this weekend when I have time to give this topic the attention(& finger strokes it deserves..) So buckle UP cause I’ve got a feeeeeeling it is going to be a good one. Guaranteed…

I’ve got alot 2 say on this topic ..so timewise I might have 2 break N finish later on 2night so here I go…

Call me OLDskool (I really don’t mind..) but there are some things I just can’t wrap my brain around at how things have changed. Did I miss the memo on “dating” becoming passA? Or have I been in long term relationships so much in my life journey I wasn’t paying attention?!? Has the new form of courtship turned into “hanging out” “linking up” (wth?) “hook-ups(OMG @this term)” “jump-offs(yep, this is a real term folks..shaking my head” and I’m sure a ton of other so called hip terms I’ve not yet heard. NOR do I want to hear because I refuseee to buy into the hype. Not 2day or any day soon.  So, for those that have been “single and waiting to be discovered by the ONE(which is the category I fall into..) N in the 38-50 age range, how are you dealing with the “new” non-existent courtship reality? Are the days long gone when a guy actually even knows what courtship is? Or knows how it is to date a potential mate-for-life?? N for the record that is the ONLY type of dating I’m interested in. I don’t have time(I am on the brink of 50 folks..) to kiss or date any frogs(a/k/a OLD players or wanna-be-players..sorry but that is SO played out! and quite frankly was never in style in my opinion) N liberated or not..and I hold hand UP high as a liberated woman..is it toooo much to expect a guy to call ME to ask me out on a date?!? I’m not one to call a guy. It just isn’t me…unless I already know him well. In my heart of hearts I feeeeeel if a guy is “interested” he’ll make the phonecalls. And I will answer. Isn’t that the natural order of things? I’m used to being PURSUED. I thought part of the natural process was for a man to do the PURSUING. Isn’t part of the thrill for a guy(correct me if I’m wrong guys..) chasing and trying to attain a worthy potential as your MATE? Lawd! Has the entire book of dating been re-written since I’ve last been…single? ~2 Be Continued~(I’ve got alot more to say…) P.S. When I get back I’m going to ..(a) present a case in favor of COURTSHIP and why the state of dating/marriage is in such a CRAPPY state without it..(b) present a case in favor of COURTSHIP and why bringing back OLDskool wayz is the best solution to solve quickie unsuited marriages N quickie divorces. Buckle UP folks I’m just getting started! B back soon asap so stay tuned…<

4 those that are single/divorced/fresh out of a relationship/or nearing the end of a couple years hiatus from relationships(holding my hand UP on the latter..) N in the age group 38 yrs old to 50 yrs old are YOU happy with  or fulfilled with the current hooook UP/hanging OUT/jump off/linking UP type of culture ? For my “liberated” women sisters out there is the >I’m an INdependent woman!/fun/exciting/liberating mode working out for you as  satisfying/resulting in LONGterm relationships and/or marriage/happiness? Or are you STILL single? Or single again? Hmmmmm…lets let that sink in for a minute. Now mind you this case I’m building on is for those who think the following: 1. that being married is the ultimate love relationship 2. that being married is better than being single 3. that being married is the BEST situation for couples to raise children 4. that marriage provides deeeeep friendship with spouse/personal growth/LASTING intimacy with spouse. If you’re still with me after allll that lets move forward.

I’ll try to explain why I feel courtship is the best process in which to pick the best LIFE mate(at any age!) N for the record I don’t believe soul mates have to be a spouse. Personally I can attest to the fact that in this lifetime I’ve met 2 soulmates. Only married 1 of them…but a lifemate in my opinion..is what I’m seeking in a husband. (I’ll explain that term later if time permits) Courtship to me IS: a process in which the things a couple does are gearing towards finding(which means pursuit guys..) , winning , the right one..and then marriage. The couple is exclusive(yep!) and exerting a high sense of attentiveness and DEPENDability, and care towards the “potential” (I’ll explain another time what I feel a “potential” IS.. I know alot of women, me included, who from the very 1st meeting of a guy determine him immediately(or least I do…) as (a) Just a friend (b) Don’t even want to be his friend! ..total frog! N bad habits/lifestyle toooo bad to even want to be in his company, yuck (c) close to a potential mate but missing a couple essential qualities (d) potential lifemate. So anywayz a decent length of  courtship(dating) allows the couple to actually get to KNOW each other prior to marriage. One might ask what IS a decent time frame for this? Depends..I don’t put specific number of months on this as Steve Harvey does. In my world the BEST things are worth waiting for. So don’t ask me about how long it will be before the you-know-what part. As a couple once ya’ll know each other well ya’ll can figure that out on your own! After all we’re talking about grown folks…

Moving right along…what has happened since courtship is no longer the norm? Anyone know the current statistics on divorce??? Anyone out there know the amount of people who now do NOT even consider marriage N instead just shack UP? (thus leaving children with parents who more than likely won’t stay together..the odds are against it) How about the statistics on folks who sleep together soooo quickly they don’t even truly know who they’re dealing with. I mean , for real,  since our bodies are supposed to be a TEMPLE why would we(women or men) share of something so intimate (the highest of highs!) with someone we don’t know?!? Is it mayhaps folks have lost sight of what the true meaning of intimacy IS? And in my  humble opinion intimacy is a far cry different from sex….We are all grown here, right? Alright, so courtship lets a woman truly know that a man is (a) seriously interested in just HER (b) is willing to take the TIME to prove his intent (c) and is willing to use his CREATIVITY to plan enjoyable activities/outings(could be as simple as a walk on the beach…) to gain her affections and her love. In regards to what courtships lets a man know(I’ve got to guess here cause I’m not a man)  (a) that the woman is seriously interested in only HIM (b) that a woman has the qualities that she said she had on the 1st date!(oh, I meant to add that for women as well) (c) is the type of woman he would be proud to take home to meet his parents(THAT is key in my opinion..)

It is my personal opinon that no matter how much womans’ lib has changed the game the roles of men/women should rightfully stay somewhat close to the roles in which we were created. Period. I think it is because of womens lib that things got so screwed UP in the first place. I can’t speak for any other woman except myself but I only desire a man that is a leader! Has to have a back bone/be strong/be confident!/and is the rightful head of the household. Even the way our physcial & biological makeup is designed points to men being the head…Does this mean that a woman has NO voice or opinion? Absolutely not. Because the  day will NEVER come that I have no opinion. Not in this lifetime nor the next…However I feel there is a happy/loving medium. And it works when both parties desire the same thing and work to make it work. I’ve seeeeen it work for 50 yrs now in my parents marriage(btw they still hold hands N dance 2gether! love IT) …which leads me to another point . How can folks that have NOT seen a long term marriage work truly know what to strive for or expect??? Hmmmmm. Can they? Which is why the cycle of this madness must stop somewhere. In order to get back to the natural order of things. Its gotten SO out of hand…for those of us nearing 50 we’ve seeeeen it and probably lived it! And hopefully learned from it…What I’ve learned is its my inherent desire to take things back to the way they were backintheday. N one of my prayers IS that the man who was created to love ONLY me feels the very same way. And another prayer is that he is somewhere out there-looking for ME-& reading this.  If ya’ll have anything 2 add to this discussion feel free to do so. I’d love to read it and I’ll respond. We can all learn from each others’ experiences…Until then stay blessed N UPlifted. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 N only)