Just today someone whose met my parents..told me how lucky I was to have such awesome, loving parents AND that they were both still alive & well. The person who said that lost her father at a very, very young age..She said it so softly ; I had to lean forward to hear her. It made me pause to reflect hours later. Here are a few of my thoughts on a topic, which I feel, is highly important these days..Hang onto your hats & wigs this road might get a little bumpy>
In a perfect world, or as perfect as things can BE..and when folks let nature do what it does naturally; it takes TWO to make a baby. Takes two to bring into the world another perfect creation..in my minds eye’s this process(the 9 months in which it takes baby to flourish in the womb) is THE most beautiful event on this earth. I’m sure anyone out there that has or is experiencing it..can relate. I fell in love with each of my 3 sons long before their kicks pummeled my tummy. Once I saw them as they came splashing into the world, shiny like a brand new penny, I was hooked for LIFE..
There was a time backintheday, before I was as evolved as I am now, that I felt I was the “perfect” parent to do most of all for my son…I had a stint as a single mother for a bit; and I’d gotten used to doing it ALL. Once I became married and part of a beautiful love union; I didn’t quite know how to let go of the reins of one-parent-parenting. I can be honest about it now that I’ve realized it. At the time I just thought I was “right”. At the time I didn’t realize that my “parental micro-managing” was cutting my husband out of the parenting process..or least a part of it. An important part of it. How fortunate & blessed I am/was; that he was strong enough and loved me & our sons enough to SHOW me(not even did he tell me..) that I was “wrong”>
When I began to observe how our sons NEEDED their Dad’s nuturing/guidance/words of discipline; was when I finally began to let go of the reins I’d held on one-parent parenting. Honestly, I can’t recall exactly when that was..my best guess is about 1/3 of the way of our middle sons’ life. (which at that point our youngest son was still a toddler; and coincidentally when we divorced) I think what made that a pivotal life-changing decision for me; was when I noticed how much our sons missed their Dad living in the house with us. Love for my sons forced me to face reality. They needed him to be very present in their lives; even if I didn’t want him to be present in my heart. Which by the way it was/and has been impossible to erase him from my heart anyway…>
Thankfully because of this great ephiphany! I had; our sons never had to go through the tug-of-war that some children of divorce have to endure..I wanted him to spend time with them! Early on during our 2 yr divorce proceedings and process; I discovered I not only did NOT want to raise our sons alone..it just was NOT fair to our sons for me to have to. So, I encouraged their Dad to come pick them UP to visit. IF it looked like he was going to change plans or dates to pick them UP; I called him and convinced him it wasn’t fair to them. They missed him and they needed him; COME get them and fulfill your parental duty & responsibility. Exclamation point. Period. I think sometimes folks can get caught UP, for a brief minute, in this life journey..and we can forget the things that matter most to us. Since then? He has thanked me for staying firm during that time frame..he loves his sons immensely. I think both of us were a bit lost without each other during that timeframe..Mothers, however, have no choice but to be mothers 24/7 365 days a year from the birth of the child until death. And my belief? Fathers should have NO choice but to do the same. It takes 2 to make them AND it rightfully takes 2 to co-raise them properly. Anything less is a great dis-service to the child..>
I think also because I’d always had 2 loving parents in my life time; it was quite easy to want the same for my/our sons..My now ex-husband hadn’t had that; for his own Father died when he was quite young. Having said that however..he is one of the BEST Fathers/Daddies/Pops!/Papa’s..that I know. Matter of fact I’d go as far as saying he ranks number 2; number 1 of course is my own Daddy. I can’t imagine my life without my Daddy in it; not in the yesteryears nor now. It is my belief that God created 2 parents for a reason..1 of each gender. But what I’ve also learned is that both genders can nuture. I used to think that was only something that Mom’s could DO. That just isn’t the case..WE do it well and we do it quite naturally due to the instant bonding that takes place while the baby is growing in our womb. I’ve never felt anything more natural than being & becoming a Mother. It IS in my opinion the single most important JOB on this planet. It should rightfully always be..or least that is the way I see IT>
*It takes a while village to raise a child* ..Origin is from Igbo & Yoruba(Nigeria) proverb. Translation =it takes a communal effort to raise a child. > If there is even a tiny shred of proof that this is true(which it is my belief it is…) than at the least don’t children DESERVE to be co-raised by both parents? Whether parents divorce or never marry; the job still remains to raise children once they’re born. Somehow these days that just doesn’t appear to be happening consistently. Often times I feel perhaps folks should have to obtain a license to have children…I could really go off on a tangent with that thought process; but I won’t. Thats another topic for another time. There are many books on child-rearing from an array of viewpoints; yet, matters not if the arrangement of parenting isn’t agreed upon from the onset. And then kept during the duration…No one ever said a child’s upbringing would be an easy task. Matter of fact it is probably the most difficult job we hold in life. There are no trial runs either. Once the baby is born the clock starts & doesn’t stop ticking until…death. Unfortunately, for children, they can’t request from their parents to do right by them. To give them a fighting chance in life by raising them properly..Society suffers when it isn’t even attempted. Bringing a child into the world doesn’t make a person a parent. Putting one’s own needs aside & loving them enough to parent them does..and that takes at the least the 2 that brought them into the world. >Until I write /read ya’ll again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)