^About Berna’s Vibe..The Way I See IT^

Posted in Cancer, cANCER, Health Matters*, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Coming out about having cANcer

>>Talking about having cancer doesn’t get easier …One just gets used to it .>>

***********

Once I was able to wrap my brain around being diagnosed with cancer ; I felt an irresistible urge to share my journey with my family and closest friends .

My main hope in sharing was to provide cancer prevention tips to my loved ones & collect insight from others as well . Also I’ve discovered the more I talk (& learn ) about cancer , the less scary the topic is for me to cope with . After all hearing the words @You’ve got cancer ; is something the majority of us fear ‼️

Any tips you’d care to share with others for coping with having cancer ?

*Let’s rap !

Posted in Bill Cosby, Black America, Black History, Higher Education, Telling it like it 'TIS, Temple University, The Cosby Show, Watercooler Chat, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

COSBY KARMA?

I’m OLD enough to recall the recoil from Black Americans after Bill Cosby’s seething commentary at a NAACP event 2004ish ; with his harsh perception of the ills affecting Black American society … His response to the outcry after his speech was “ I feel I can no longer remain silent . If I have to make a choice between keeping quiet so that conservative media does not speak negatively or ringing the bell to galvanize those who want change in lower economic communities ; then I choose to be the bell ringer … “ ( Hmmm @ remaining silent phrase but moving  onto the meat of my thoughts ..) Without repeating Cosby’s harsh speech about Blacks at that time here , he ended with , We can’t blame white people .

I grew UP watching and loving The Cosby Show .. I was SO proud of  Dr Cosby for advocating higher education and giving millions to colleges/ scholarships . Bravo ! I laughed at his Jello commercials & cried when his only son died ..Full fledged Cosby fan I admit ! Yet … I was hair blown black appalled when he felt he needed to go on a National soapbox to speak about what he felt were the ills among Black Americans .. That’s pretty bold and I guess he felt he was just that powerful and had done SO much for Blacks ; that he could … I disagree and I was disappointed in him then .. And NOW. I tend to feel no one is that lofty to judge an entire group of anything .. Lest? You are comfy with being judged just as harshly when your day of judgement arrives … That day has rolled around for Dr Bill Cosby .

I readily admit when the first of a cazillion accusations began , I felt it was orchestrated to stop him from buying NBC. I still feel that way . However , they’d have had NO dirt to dig up if he hadn’t had a closet FULL of skeletons .. I do not think the accusers are liars . I think that what they recanted DID happen ..I feel bad for Cosby that now in his 80s he faces prison time and will have a prison record . Thus! becoming one of the very ills he spoke about in 2004. A Black male with a prison record .. Do I think it’s fair that our justice system can convict a man on 30 yr old evidence ; yet can NOT convict police with video captured events of horrendous behavior towards people of color? NO, it is not a balanced equation . But more I think about it that doesn’t make what Cosby did right . Period . He got away with it for years and years because women felt their word meant nothing against a man of power . And someone ALOT of someone’s knew and when called upon they began to speak out . I will never understand what kind of mind prefers to drug women versus being on the up and up about what they want .. Rich or not . Black or not . Wrong has no color. And? He once said WE can’t blame white folks for anything ; so? WE can’t blame NBC for using foul tactics . Period . 

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

An Under Examined Now: New Orleans

Loved seeing New Orleans through another’s eyes / words … Birthplace of my parents and grands , I love New Orleans

Brohammas

A friend told me New Orleans was exactly my kind of place. A different friend described New Orleans as completely debauched. I think one was referring to the city’s reputation for music history and food and the other was talking about drunken toplessness. He compared it to Vegas where too many people are trying too hard to do something regrettable. He did however give New Orleans credit in that while Vegas is a plaster imitation of a million other somewhere elses, New Orleans is in fact a real place all its own.

I had in my head, thanks to history books and too many movies, an image of a place a lot like Philly, having an old colonial feel topped off by a few decades of industrial decay, just with more of a swing than a beat- and wrought iron balconies. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to…

View original post 2,917 more words

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

VIDEO: Gabriel Ramirez – “On Realizing I Am Black” (NPS 2015)

VIDEO: Gabriel Ramirez – “On Realizing I Am Black” (NPS 2015)

http://dh.jmjafrx.com/2018/04/28/video-gabriel-ramirez-on-realizing-i-am-black-nps-2015/
— Read on dh.jmjafrx.com/2018/04/28/video-gabriel-ramirez-on-realizing-i-am-black-nps-2015/

Posted in <<COMING SOON, @Berna's Book Reviews, Telling it like it 'TIS, Watercooler Chat, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

~~~Shopping While BLACK~~~My 2 cents regarding the EPIC failure of the recent filmed Starbucks and Philly incident

Humiliation personified .. A surreal scene mayhaps for those who aren’t racist ; but for those of us Black Americans and minorities who have been there or seen it’s become an every day moment reality that still reeks of ISH.. Many of us , including myself!, have sons same age as the victims .. Makes it terribly personal .. And YES I said victims .. I’ve sat in MANY Starbucks from Barnes and Noble to Target stores and just SB sites ; and had meetings , link upS or just to hang out and READ.. I’ve used their restrooms whether I purchased a product or NOT.. And not once as an American Black woman have I been arrested .. Not 1 time from coast 2 Coast.. For the record to preface I’ve got a myriad of friends of all colors , sexual orientation and genders.. IF I must state I’m not racist here it IS I’m not , but what I am is a Black American woman proud of my culture and Co- parent of 3 amazing , astounding grown Black SONS .. And to quote former POTUS Obama this could’ve been one of MINE.. Honestly, I fully support and stand behind ANY person unjustly villified .. It just is not right to judge anyone , lest alone based on color of one’s skin color . These 2 college graduates weren’t wearing hoodies ! They weren’t thugs yet they were treated like thugs .. Like CRIMINALS.. Those words @ I feared for my life… I’ve heard from my own sons breathing while Black and innocent yet targeted .. For nothing .. Which IMO is the worst type of words a parent can hear from sons they’ve birthed and raised to do the RIGHT things .. Starbucks IMO let this manager who called the police OFF lightly .. Allowed her to resign , mutual parting , pfft! Many of US would’ve been FIRED for far less .. Now Starbucks due to many of US refusing to remain paying our big bucks to them ; is taking ONE day for racial unbiased training.. 1 DAY a month in advance to roll back how many years of racial ISH? Want to impress me? Why is it planned so far in advance ? Why not teach racial non bias as part of training ; period ? WE don’t need short term 1 day so called solutions .. Truth IS they hired a racist person ..What is the long term solution to keep that from happening again and again ? And mind you this isn’t an isolated Starbucks issue.. IMO with Trump thumping racist behavior and condoning it; this is becoming more and more common… Thankfully ! this time no one was murdered .. As a collective group Black and Brown have HUGE spending power .. I will not cater to companies who don’t treat those who look like ME with great fair customer service .. Ever .. Might mean being inconvenienced or making my own coffee or whatever .. But saving lives and dignity in the long run is worth it.. IF I was on fire ! and the only water available was in a Starbucks cup of coffee I would rather burn to death .. Period .. I recall when Starbucks had to close stores during the recession due to over saturation .. If it depends on my money , and I’m a coffee lover, they’ll close many more until they stand for fairness and equality . Let’s rap…

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Does It Take An Ultimatum For A MAN To Propose Marriage?

In Cancun recently for my eldest son’s wedding amongst ALOT of intellectuals and highly degreed folks ; I engaged in many highly interesting conversations .. One such afternoon I found myself in a chat with married and single folks and topic of wedding proposals arose .. One married guy, who will remain un-named, who I hadn’t met prior position was that ALL marriages are initiated by a woman giving a man the ultimatum of marriage or nothing .. First of all, I dislike using the term , AlL, second of all I’ve been proposed to and married (though not as many times as proposals ) and not once did I have to give an ultimatum . Thirdly , and most important in my book, since childhood I’ve been raised to believe , and I do strongly , that a man knows early ON if he wants to marry said woman or NOT.. I am of the belief that though I feeeel the woman sets the pace for said relationship , from the onset, I will not marry anyone that has to be forced .. To heck with an ultimatum !! However , I’m always interested in hearing guys unfiltered , unapologetic actual true relationship tips and or feelings on any given topic .. So, let’s rap.. And ladies feel free to speak your 2 cents worth also! I know I’m old school but have things really changed that much in relationships from backintheday??

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

RACIAL DIVIDE IN POST OBAMA AMERICA*****

Quote by Former President Barack Obama@”You Can Be Completely Right & You  Are Going To Have To Engage Folks Who Disagree With You..”

 

Alright y’all I’m back and here are my thoughts on the matter…70 million! Americans chose the 1st Black president in our Nations’ history of 232 years–

MANY  thought that would shatter racial barriers..Many of us , like moi, had renewed! HOPE in our country, pride in finally seeing someone who looked like US in the White House..A certain someone who had lived a life closer to average working folks lives than any other president prior to him..He wasn’t born rich like his predecessors …

Yet? Many of us knew race was STILL an issue for a country built ON the very backs of African slaves; slaves who did NOT come here voluntarily! Even knowing that vile history I was still horrified and shocked! at the wave of seething hatred Obama faced and even more so at the amount! of racists bursting out of the closet during and after the Frump campaign …RACE  will continue to be a huge issue in our country until WE discuss it honestly..

WE must stop describing people as Black, White, Latino, Jewish; otherwise it will always matter! WE must stop feeding into and repeating stereotypes. WE must grow a pair of cajones(figuratively..) and not allow racist jokes to be told in our midst..It isn’t a laughing matter and never was..WE must try to learn of other cultures and to respect others rights to cultivate their own cultural beliefs/practices. Live and let live I say! WE must show/feel the same respect for others as we wish to be treated..I don’t claim to have all the answers, by far to anything..But it is my sincere belief WE must start somewhere….Not discussing it & tip toeing around it isn’t making it go away

THIS division is growing larger and more lethal daily–It Must Stop Now Before Implosion..Welcome and look forward to y’all chiming IN..And? Happy New Year!!! WE can make our country better 2Gether

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

THAT Talk WE Actually HATE That We Must HAVE – I’ve attempted to open this UP properly & to properly express aka! ReLeAsEeeee pent up feelings on THE topic since August …Letting this serve as a re-reminder to myself to gather the tons of fragments of thoughts in my mind & on scraps of paper so we can rap about it …..2Night 4 Sure? I hope so! @@@Coming SOON

Posted in <<COMING SOON, @Cultural, Teachable Moment, Telling it like it 'TIS, ^Political

The Boogeyman IS Real & Nope I’m Not Referring to “Albert” Fish…

Well I’m back y’all!  Miss vibing & free-versing with each and every one of you!! My writing hiatus has come to an abrupt  end; and I only wish first topic on my mind, bursting to be blogged out, was not about our country’s unfortunate state of affairs..Hang on to your hats and buckle UP because I’ve got alot to say on the Trump-inspired-torch-carrying-hate-filled-White Supremist-violent/deadly-rampage that happened last weekend at the University of Virginia ~~~2 B Continued This Weekend~~

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Cracks in the Pavement

A viewpoint well worth sharing from the Via Ex Machina blog site ~~Reblogged by Berna

Via Ex Machina

I turned on my car radio a week ago Tuesday morning, anxious to hear details about the grand jury decision in the Michael Brown case. The BBC News Hour was on.  I grunted.  I love the BBC, but Ferguson analysis was probably not going to be their focus. Still, I decided to stay tuned in hopes that a Ferguson report would be forthcoming.

A commentary about Pope Francis’ address to the European Parliament was concluding with a woman commending the Pope for criticizing the EU’s indifference to African asylum seekers drowning in the Mediterranean. The broadcast then segued to Egypt, where an eight-story building had collapsed, killing at least fifteen people and injuring many more.  Family, friends, and neighbors were frantically digging through the wreckage.  The building was originally constructed with three stories, but the owner had added five additional floors supported with rickety wooden beams and other inadequate (and…

View original post 2,109 more words

Posted in @Cultural, Motivational!, Positive Movement Topic, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

~~#BLACKLivesMATTER~~~

Lest we get so caught UP in our own day to day lives(and I’m guilty of that…) that we forget things going on in OUR world/country; are just as important..I had a surreal conversation with my youngest son today that made me pause for a minute to wonder out loud@Is this really 2014???? My son commented on the latest NON verdict regarding Eric Garner..He said WOW there are some police out there who really hate Black folks!! I found myself, again, telling him the what-to-do’s on IF ever stopped by the police for random traffic stops..NO sudden movements..Don’t get out of the car unless asked to do so..Don’t get angry, just listen & be patient..WtH & OMG is this 2014 or the 1940’s??? And while I know I’m not the only Black parent to feel this way; it sure IS a heavy feeling..Heart-wrenching to say the least..I’m asking everyone who reads this who has a wordpress blog site, facebook page, or who twitters to spread the word for our ‘new cause’ @BlackLivesMatter..Doesn’t it seem like we’ve had to say this alot more lately? Because we HAVE…Police brutality against Black folks(and with no punishment/penalty), no MEN, is on the rise..IF we all stand together certainly our voices will be heard! I’m posting a couple letters from NAACP(yep folks they’re still alive , well , and working for US) and another organization I’m a member of ASALH(Association for the study of African American Life & History..) that have further motivated me to speak OUT & stand UP for the cause @ Black lives matter & police brutality must end..I can only hope/pray it helps to motivate y’all as well..Peace & light always , the One & Only Berna

asalhcomment.docx

naacp-comment.docx

Posted in Teachable Moment

#BLACKOUTBLACKFRIDAY: The Time Has Come

Whether we all agree or not with the results of the ruling in Ferguson(or the aftermath..) ; it IS clear there is an epidemic of police brutality in our country..

Here we find ourselves again perplexed, vexed, with aching hearts over the ever-present racial divide in our country..

The time has come, again, for us to be visible & united for things to change..Lives matter more than material possessions..

I’m not an advocate for violence..I do , however, stand with those who desire & wish & deserve! to LIVE..

***“Black America has again been reminded that its children are not seen as worthy of being alive — in part because they are not seen as children at all, but as menacing threats to white lives.” ~Dr. Stacey Patton***

>>>>The following is from The Grio…>>

The Ferguson decision is the impetus, but not the solitary reason, for the call to boycott Black Friday shopping this year. The onslaught of Black men, women and children losing their lives to overzealous, mostly white officers who are not being held accountable has many people fed up with the state of affairs.

There are the dissenters who are asking “WHAT FOR?” and stating, “Boycotts don’t work!” or “One day won’t do a damn thing! I’m getting my Beats Headphones, bruh, FOH.” Then there are those willing to consider it, but asking, “How does this work?” “What does this do for us?” Well, let’s talk about why #BlackOutBlackFriday matters and why it’s worth doing.
1. Dollars pay for retailers’ political interests

Lobbyists influence legislation on behalf of others, and many groups use them to get policies they want enacted. They compel congressmen to vote in whatever way they want, and this is not a secret nor is it illegal. On the contrary, it is a general practice in American (and other countries) government.

Lobbyists have the access and insider influence to steer conversations toward certain agendas, spin the media, and create a following for certain causes This is why they can be used to our advantage during a boycott. If we present legislative demands that require fulfillment in order to bring our business back to certain retailers, corporations will pay lobbyists to get it done, in order to maintain their business’ profits.
2. Black Friday is the single most profitable shopping day of the year.

Many retailers go from being in the red (loss) to being in the black (profit) on Black Friday hence the name. If people refuse to spend on this day and beyond, companies will take a huge hit. Many businesses make anywhere from 25-50% of their yearly revenue during the holiday season alone and if big retailers lost that, they would be very interested in finding ways to get it back.
3. Black people drive the economy

We shop. We buy. We spend money.

Black people set trends in this country, no matter how much columbusing tries to erase that fact. From fashion to music, we are the progenitors of trends, and we support them with our hard earned dollars. This provides retailers with big boosts of income, especially during the holiday season when everyone wants the “hot new thing” and gift giving centers around it.

Now is actually the perfect time to make a tangible impact so let’s take a stand. We possess the spending power to make change possible if we are steadfast, deliberate, and committed.

The question is, are we?

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Riots and Reason

>>I’ve been itching to blog out my thoughts regarding the Ferguson ruling..Still plan on doing so when my thoughts have been properly gathered..After reading quite a bit from all perspectives; I can appreciate this one for more reasons than not..Much regard /respect Tressie for helping to push for ‘justUS’..(justice..) Many of us hoped also that this would go to trial for a FAIR chance to have revealed what really happened..Sadly, that chance was sabotaged! >>RE-BLOGGED by Berna from The Blog of Tressiemc

tressiemc

I truly believe that to be a good teacher, a decent writer or a perfunctory scholar one has to concede the limits of evidence, reason, and rationality.

It is no wonder I believe that. Evidence, reason and rationality can rarely explain my place in this world. I know the limits even as I try to stretch them. It is either futile or the human experience or, I suspect, it is both.

For months I have participated and supported the ground work of activists, scholars, teachers, preachers, parents, young people, old people, and people people in Ferguson, MO. My contribution amounts to little more than nil on the grand scale of things. Mostly, I have hoped that people would persist.

It is an unreasonable hope.

Representatives of the State, of a public that includes black people who are also a public, were defiant when they announced the grand jury results of Michael…

View original post 585 more words

Posted in =Self Discovery=, Health Matters*, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

*A Problem Shared Is A Problem Lessened?”..Is Venting Good For The Ventee?

We all need a good vent every now and then..Some of us more than others..Having done my fair share of venting, I’ve got wagon loads of compassion for those in need of a good vent..But what about the flip side of the coin? Does the ventee walk away with a warm , fuzzy after-glow? Or is it normal for the ventee to often feel like an emotional bag of bricks was just laid on their shoulders??

Posted in Watercooler Chat

WaterCooler Chat***How Can People Believe in Truths Without Evidence?

Quite often pondering over deep questions can help us search inside for our own answers and meanings..Thought I’d drop this question to see how y’all weigh in..Of course , as usual, this was inspired by an actual conversation! How can people believe in truths without evidence? Later, I’ll add my 2 cents worth..

Posted in LOVE, ^^Thought Provoking^^, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

>>What EVERY Child Should Hear From Their Parent At Least Once In Their Lives…



There is no fail-proof manual that comes with raising children…Know why? Because no two children are alike, not even twins, let alone siblings..What I do feel IS universal is parental love..My free flow of thoughts on this near & dear topic is dedicated to my parents… These are a few things I think every child should hear from their parents at least once in their lifetime>>>

I love you always! Unconditionally. From the womb & forever..

I am proud of you!

What do you think? Or, what is your opinion? (and then listen..)

Thank you! (whenever applicable..)

I am human..(we must teach our children, at all ages, it is ok to admit fault & try again..)

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Hiding in Plain Sight

REblogged by Berna from the FiftyFourandAHALF blog site .. Whether you’ve early voted or will VOTE tomorrow this is a piece well worth watching ! Get out the vote & VOTE

FiftyFourandAHalf

If you haven’t seen this bit from John Oliver’s new show, you should.  You should watch it before Tuesday’s election, and then again periodically, just so you remember what I keep telling you.  That elections matter.  And that it is important to pay attention to not just Federal elections, but to the ones lower down the food chain.

Apparently it takes someone from England, from the country from which we declared our independence, to explain to us just how we are letting our own government get away from us.

Because we don’t pay attention to “the unimportant levels of government.”

Ummm, it is at the state level that we’re really getting screwed.  I can attest to this as a resident of “Virginia is For Ultra-sounds.”    Yup, it is the folks whose names we don’t even know, who get to decide these issues that most impact your life and mine.

View original post 87 more words

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

15 Acts Of Chivalry For The 21st Century

RE-blogged by Berna because JMS you’re so right@ common courtesy and respect will always be in style ! I took to heart teaching/showing ( as did my co- parenting partner ) our sons how to treat women with respect .. These are things that should rightfully be taught at home … I can fully testify that chivalry is NOT dead .. And always , always it’s appreciated and returned tenfold ! Once again JMS outstanding write ….

James Michael Sama

Times change, and along with them – social norms change. Technology changes. Acceptable behavior changes (sometimes for better, sometimes for worse), and basically, well, everything changes.

For this reason, we cannot always simple ‘bring back’ certain concepts that were once widely accepted or appreciated, and for good reason. But what we can do is glance back at the past and pull the frosting off the top, so to speak. Particularly when it comes to dating and relationships, there have been noticeable changes in the way we approach and treat each other.

century2

The origins of chivalry may be ancient, and not all considered appropriate for modern society. But, we can take the parts we want that we feel will make the dating process better, and leave the rest to lay where it is. Here are a few practices that I feel are the ‘frosting off the top’ of the way things…

View original post 1,222 more words

Once upon a time I ran for political office..What was true then remains true all these years later..My slogan was ‘Your Vote is YOUR Voice’..And if you don’t vote you’ve NO right to complain or expect positive change..Early voting period has begun folks..One way to make sure you don’t have to stand in long lines November 4, 2014? VOTE NOW..In many places polls are open from sun up to sun down..Literally..I’ve included a brief video clip on why voting is so important..WE can make a difference! >>

GET OUT THE VOTE 2014 **Mid-Term Elections Matter Too!

Posted in ^^Thought Provoking^^, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Defining Moments of Clarity..

What defines us to ourselves? Is it our intentions? Is it our thoughts? Is it our actions? Is it our attitude? Is it our outlook on life? Some of us don’t like to admit it(hand raised high in the air! ) but we want our existence to be remembered..I think we all want to matter..We want to define ourselves with something that is LASTING..Whether it is a published book, successful business or goodwill towards others..Some of us also pour a great deal of the best parts of ourselves into our children..I’ve very guilty of that! Why? Because they’ll be my living legacy long after I’m gone..Yet, isn’t it the little moments quilted together that define us? I believe it is..

Who we spend time with defines us>> Who we keep close are the people that will most influence us..When I close my eyes & reflect on the BEST moments of my life? More times than not those were moments that had someone else in them..Someone close..Dear ‘trusted’ friends who have been there for us in all types of weather..Family members who love us unconditionally to the very core of our being..And those we’ve loved deeply , who care for us even after seeing us at our worst..I’ve learned & am still learning to be ‘conscious’ about who I spend time with ; for they have a say in defining us..Many moons ago I used to tell my sons pick & choose your friends wisely! At 51 years of age that still remains true..Mayhaps even more so now>>

Acts of Kindness>>Corny as it sounds it can make a loved ones’ or stranger’s day! We aren’t always aware of the impact our simple presence has on others..A smile…An unexpected tip(recently happened in my world that I tipped someone whose establishment provided horrific overall service) A comforting ear..A hug..WE have the power to restore someone’s faith in humanity..

We choose our perception of the World>> I heard someone say very recently that the world is full of mostly evil people..Made me a little sad that they’d feel that way..I quickly realized I couldn’t change their mind..I think it is an individual decision we can choose to make every minute of the day..Is the world revolving around us or can we step out of ourselves & see the world from a more realistic viewpoint? If we can’t ever see the world from another’s perspective what does that say about us? There is alot to be said for that old adage@ Walk a mile in my shoes..>>

Addressing naughty habits>>I found myself saying , just today, perfection is boring..There are many things we may dislike about ourselves..None of us are above anyone else..We are human & will make mistakes..Throughout our lives we forms habits, attitudes and even addictions that can be detrimental, but to let them define us would be the greatest misfortune..We must and should strive to dust ourselves off, do better, work on self-improvement/progression and move onwards and upwards>>

What have been some of your life-defining or life-altering moments? Who have you chosen to BE?

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

**OTHERHOOD**40s, 50s, Childless, Never Married**Their Perspective Revealed>>

I won’t and can’t lie…I can’t relate to this piece…However, now that I’ve been single & celibate for 3 years(though actively dating someone I dig alot..a whole lot!) I find myself trying to understand all aspects of the dating spectrum…My hair was blown back by the open nature and honesty of this write..At 51 yrs old and UNmarried; my biggest fear is entering old age alone..ALONE..MY parents attend even random doctor appointments TOGETHER..Shopping, etc..whatever they do together…As much as I dig my independence I MISS being part of a forever union..Knowing that someone always has my back..Good , bad or ugly…There IS comfort in that…Having said all of that I’ve a silent respect for those who are still patiently waiting on ‘the One’..It is hard for me to imagine waiting & waiting & waiting on love until well into the 50s…I’m just NOT that patient!

IF anyone can relate to this woman’s perspective, feel free to comment…I was captivated from word one!

I’m 45, Single And Childless. No, There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With Me….

October comes in innocently enough, stretching the edges of summer into fall. But then, one night, seemingly out of nowhere, a cold chill touches my shoulders like a former lover I’ve tried to shake from memory. I shiver. My heart falls; I know that another long winter is approaching and I’m still alone.

I hadn’t planned it this way. I have always been open to love and relationships. I have held on to hope and to expectations and to dreams and to grief and to men I should have let go of much sooner. I have been high on love and tip-toed on top of clouds. And I’ve lost my breath under a dark cloud, wondering why it’s so hard for me to have the long, meaningful relationship I deserve.

I’m at a bar, on my first date with Brian, a man I met online. I’m happy to be inside, sitting next to this man, warm and calm. At age 45, I’m no longer focused on the future; I’m no longer envisioning my life as one half of a young couple, thinking about our future children. I’m focused on the moment I’m in right now. This is life. This is my life. And notwithstanding it not turning out the way I had expected, my life is beyond my expectations. I have chosen to live my life to its potential, and I’ve never felt better about myself or more comfortable in my own skin.

Brian is handsome, self-made and from his body language, I can tell he’s happy to be sitting at the bar next to me. He swivels to face me, smiling, and I smile back. The date is off to a great start. But soon enough, his tone changes. Brian has decided it’s time to find out what’s wrong with me. And after all these years, seasons of men, loves and likes and not-quite-there feelings, I recognize the conversation that’s about to begin.

First, my dates prove their ability to be in a relationship. They describe their marriage and how it concluded, or why their recent long-term relationship finally had to end, as Brian’s had earlier this year. “We argued so much it no longer felt good to be in the relationship,” he volunteers. And now, as these exchanges go, it’s my turn to share why I’m still single.

“Have you ever been married?” Brian asks.

“No,” I say.

“Have you come close? Like engaged or lived with someone?”

“Nope,” I add.

Brian presses his lips together in judgment. “When was your last long-term relationship?” he asks, believing my answer is the answer to whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Or, perhaps more importantly, whether or not I am capable of being in one.

“It’s been a while,” I softly respond, noticing my own disappointment, let alone his.

“But you’re attractive and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t had a boyfriend in a while,” Brian says, but I know his flattery is a guise to learn the great mystery of why I’m still single. “Like how long?” my date continues. “How many years?” He wants details. He wants to hear proof that he’s right about his assumption that there is something wrong with me. Perhaps, he thinks, she can’t commit.

“I don’t even know,” I say with a smile and a nonchalant shrug. And I’m being honest. I don’t know. I don’t know how many men I’ve gone out with or how many men I’ve kissed or been intimate with or how many men I’ve lost to what was simply not meant to be. I don’t count the men because, in the end, they are all one closer to one that will be the One.

“That’s OK,” Brian offers as consolation. “Some people aren’t interested in having a serious relationship.”

I immediately find myself rising up to my own defense and resent us both for having to do so. “Does it mean I’m interested in having a serious relationship if I stay in one too long because I don’t know how to leave or because I can’t bear to be on my own?” I ask. “I never married the wrong guy or pretended to be happy in a relationship when I wasn’t. And it hasn’t always been my choice for a relationship to end. I’ve been in love. I’ve wanted to be in love forever with some of the men I’ve dated. My heart has been broken,” I add.

My date seems unsympathetically relieved at this last note. My black-and-blued heart is proof to him that I’ve gone to battle for love. But I’m more focused on the fact that I’ve survived and have moved forward than on the battles I’ve lost.

“So, what’s the issue?” he asks. “I can’t believe you would still be single. You must be picky.”

We’re entering the “dating-deduction” phase. Brian will keep trying to deduce what’s wrong with me until he hits the jackpot.

“Of course I’m picky,” I say with confidence. “I want to be in love with the man I’m with and he deserves to be loved. If being ‘picky’ means I won’t settle for a lesser love, then you are right: I’m picky.”

My date pours more wine into my glass from the carafe we’re sharing. Our conversation moves on to entrepreneurship, a passion we share. He goes first, and I’m sincerely impressed. And then I share my work and the business I’ve grown over the last seven years. But for my date, he’s not so much interested in my work, but in how my career might be the root-cause of my singlehood.

“Some people choose to focus on their careers and some choose to have families,” my date says emphatically, making the assumption that because I haven’t had a family, I’ve made my choice.

“I didn’t choose to have a career over falling in love, getting married and having children,” I reply, my voice again slightly raised. “I can control many aspects of my career, but I cannot choose when and with whom I fall in love and who returns the love to me. I didn’t plan to be single at 45 or not to have children.”

“I have a friend who admits she spent too much time focused on her career and not her dating life,” Brian says, like it’s a diagnosis: “Career-Womanitis.”

“Women don’t often forget to fall in love. They don’t often forget to have children. Sure, time passes faster than we’d all prefer, but if someone wants to be in a relationship, and most women do, then we find a way to do that when a man who wants the same thing is present in our lives,” I reply. “Women are better multitaskers than men are in general, so I don’t buy into the ‘too focused on career’ script modern women have been given instead of the truth: Despite having a great career and taking care of ourselves financially, while also taking care of our health and well-being, we haven’t met the man we’re meant to be with.”

“Maybe you’re too independent,” Brian suggests, more to himself as he looks down his mental list of possible reasons for my singlehood.

“I’m independent,” I reply. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be dependent on someone else for a change. We keep hearing about how women should ‘lean in.’ I am leaning in so far that I’m falling over. I don’t have a net, emotionally or financially, to fall back on. What I would do to be able to lean back for once. What I would do to have a man in my life whom I could count on when times are tough…”

Brian is running out of arguments. I’m running out of patience.

“Brian, if you spend the rest of our date searching for what’s wrong with me, you’ll never discover what’s right with me,” I say, trying to soothe us both into another topic of conversation. “I have no regrets. I’m living a life I never dreamed of in many respects. Yes, I wanted to be married and become a mom in my twenties, but here I am, in my forties, with all my bumps and bruises, still in the ring, unwilling to give up on love.”

My date seems satisfied, at least for now, and we begin to chat about other things. As we leave the bar later that night, Brian gives me a hug. “You’re shivering,” he says, sweetly. “Let me get you into a cab.” He hails a cab and asks me for a second date.

“Yes,” I say. “I’d like that.” I’m open to a relationship, after all.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says with his handsome smile as he opens the cab door.

I smile back as I get in the cab. I am happy to be out of the chill.

Melanie Notkin’s second book, OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness (Seal Press/Penguin Canada), is available now. OTHERHOOD received a prestigious *starred review* by Bookli

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

35 Rules For The Modern Man

RE-BLOGGED by Berna from the JamesMichaealSama blog site..**I love this advice for todays modern man !!!

James Michael Sama

This is an excerpt from a list I came across quite awhile ago online, and was happy to have a friend remind me of it on Facebook earlier. I think it provides a good set of guidelines for the modern man in order to be our best selves, so I wanted to share it on here. To the point and effective. Enjoy!

rules5

Stop talking about where you went to college.

Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.

Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.

Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.

You will regret your tattoos.

Never date an ex of your friend.

When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.

If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.

When people don’t invite you to…

View original post 393 more words

Posted in Watercooler Chat

**WaterCooler Chat**Text Message Confusion..

We’ve all experienced some form of text message confusion…I know I have, which is probably why I find this clip so laugh out loud hilarious..Instead of leaving room for misinterpretation; why not just call instead of texting???? Ever wonder what is taking someone so long to respond to a text??? Ladies, if he is really digging you will he text or call more? Guys, is it harder or easier to understand women via texting?

Posted in =Self Discovery=, Health Matters*

>>Body Image>>When Is It Good Enough? It’s A Woman Thing ..

First, a few facts>>

Body image is the way that someone perceives their body and assumes others perceive them. This image is often affected by family, friends, social pressure and the media

People who are unhappy with their bodies and don’t seek healthy nutrition information may develop eating disorders..Eating disorders are unhealthy relationships with food that may include fasting, constant dieting, or bingeing and purging

Body image is closely linked to self-esteem<

Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape..Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media

58% of college-age girls feel pressured to be a certain weight..58%!

Studies show that the more reality television a young girl watches, the more likely she is to find appearance important

More than 1/3 of the people who admit to “normal dieting” , will merge into pathological dieting..Roughly, 1/4 of those will suffer from a partial or full-on eating disorder

In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future..The stats remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status and race..WOW

Students, especially women, who consume more mainstream media, place a greater importance on sexiness and overall appearance than those who do not consume as much

95% of people with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25

Only 10% of people suffering from an eating disorder will seek professional help

Only 4% of women globally consider themselves beautiful..

This topic has become personal for me as of late..First, time in my life(at 51 yrs of age no less!) I’ve realized I’ve got body image issues..Even though I’ve clawed and fought my way back from becoming overweight post-surgery & in full-blown menopause; it still isn’t enough. Even getting back into my pre-surgery sized clothes isn’t enough.. Mind you I was almost scared into keeping fibroids versus gaining weight..Who would rather risk possibly gaining Cancer over gaining a few pounds????? From the list above I’ve done it ALL with the exception of purging & cosmetic surgery..But I’m forever going on meatless week stints, gave up all juices/carbonated drinks, skipping meals, squeezing in speed walks in lieu of leisure week lunches, biking, treadmilling, weight lifting, and of course my beloved weekly raw veggie smoothie detox drinks(which I’ll probably drink for the rest of my life..

So just this weekend I found myself giving solicited advice to my bestie about losing weight..And out of my mouth came the words@ “Don’t diet. Diets don’t work for us, because we wind up feeling deprived & fall off.. Just adjust your lifestyle little by little & eating habits in increments & exercise more..Start slowly on the green raw veggie drink..” When I got home I realized I was telling her something I wasn’t practicing! I wanted her to start off in a healthy manner; yet when I want to quick drop pounds I dang near starve myself..I’m always hungry! Stomach growls seem normal..Today I caught myself trying to climb 2- 3 stairs at once(butt lifting exercise) while on my cell & almost fell..Not cool!

I decided to reach out in honesty ..Calling out all/any woman reading this..WE have got to stop this never-ending cycle of pushing for the perfect body image..I can’t imagine how this life-long behavior would’ve impacted the daughter I always yearned for , yet never birthed..Thankfully , I can sincerely say this wasn’t taught to me by my own Mom..She taught me always to love me for ME..Yet, even with constant & consistent positive reinforcement from parents/significant others/countless passerbys/friends? Still find myself pushing for something more..It was somewhat comforting to read the above statistics; for a moment. I’m not ALONE in this struggle for the perfect body. It is deeper than just being vain..But when does it stop??? When is good enough(& healthy!) , enough??

IF one can’t be honest with self in their 50s; probably won’t ever be! Naked truth exposed feels pretty liberating & hopefully admitting it can lead to positive change..Anyone out there that can relate & would like to share?

Posted in 50s, Fabulous 50s, Quotes that softly speak to our souls.., ^^Thought Provoking^^

**Quotes that softly speak to our souls..**

Ever read something that seemed to scream off the pages & reverberate off the walls??? Mayhaps it is the phase of life I’m in..Now that I’m one year post-50/very empty nester/divorced; the words of this quote speaks volumes to me ..Ten years ago it probably wouldn’t have..Things were different then..Heck, I was different then! So when I read such deep words from someone who accomplished remarkable things that changed our world/daily life, yet died before 60 years of age..Cliche as this is going to sound; it makes me pause mid-stroke(keystroke that is..) to ponder my own truths..@Am I the person I want to become? Have I accomplished as much as possible , within means, in my life to this point? When will I switch up from thinking outside the box to actually walking outside the box?? Either life is moving faster in the Fabulous 50’s or I’ve become more cognizant of how precious time is now…

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

**What Makes You Interesting? Or Better Yet, Are YOU Interesting?**

Is being interesting in the eye of the beholder? Are some people just naturally more interesting than others? What makes a person interesting? Is being “different” the same as being “interesting”? Here is a list of things I ran across than can help to define if someone is boring or interesting…

You are a confident person.
You are up on current events.
You have at least one interesting hobby.
You are creative and like to make things.
You listen carefully to what people say.

You have a good memory.
You don’t let yourself be bored.
You read regularly.
You don’t complain much.
You start conversations with strangers.

You love to learn new things on your own.
You joke around a lot and make people laugh.
You don’t watch much television.
You tell a good story.
You are irreverent and sometimes shocking.

You are very open-minded about people. You give everyone a chance.
You refrain from talking about your feelings or focusing too much on yourself.
You are friends with interesting people from all walks of life.
You are well-traveled, and you enjoy visiting new places.
You have a career that you are passionate about.

You rarely turn down an invite to do something.
You try a lot of new things. You don’t like to be stuck in a rut.
You participate in at least one group activity outside of work and school.
You are not a snob. You don’t think too good for anything or anyone.
You don’t gossip or argue. You keep your conversations upbeat.

Alright y’all it is time to chime in! ..Are you boring & self involved or interesting? Do you find yourself inclined to spend time with people who you find interesting?

Let’s take this one step further..IF someone were to ask what makes you interesting; what would your answer be??? I’ll share if you’ll share…I’m working on my listening skills 🙂

Posted in Teachable Moment, ^^Thought Provoking^^

**When a random traffic stop goes bad…**Who is right, Who is wrong?

What would you have done if you were the police? What would you have done if you were the passenger? Do you think the police were racist or following the letter of the law? How would you recommend your loved one(s) to act in a similar situation?

Posted in ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

Why I Don’t Go to Church*

This is one of the most interesting pieces I’ve EVER had the privilege to read & pass on in a re-blog..It resonates with me for several reasons & I get it! I hope my readers not only READ the initial post ; but also READ the comments..Later tonight I shall drop my comments on why I attend church. Mass. But the condensed version? (which I don’t often do well..) It is the connection with the PEOPLE at my church, that I get the most out of attending church. It IS the feeling of utter joy of singing the words of the songs I sing in choir..I feel it in my bones! Joy! I find myself in a phase of life that I’m seeking a closer relationship to God..My maker & creator! There are PEOPLE in my church(including my parents, my spiritual advisor, and my GodMom) that are helping me to get closer to God..However? I’ve also met people who do NOT attend church ; who I see the face of God in as well..By their actions ..I could add more now; but I won’t..Open minds will enjoy this read! **Re-blogged by Berna

D.L. Mayfield

*Ha! I totally got you! That, my friends, is called clickbait. Of course I go to church. I just am not very good at it.

//

Yesterday I did not go to church. I did not feel well at all, and usually we come to the ends of our week ragged both with the good things and the incurably mundane. I read a Walter Brueggemann sermon instead (suggested by a dear friend) and cried my eyes out. I watched a video of a prophetic demonstration, and cried some more. I listened to a podcast while I cleaned my kitchen and–you guessed it–the tears came again.

A few times a month we go to a little Mennonite church in our neighborhood. We started going there because we could walk to it when the weather is nice. Before we started attending, a year and a half ago, we had never been inside…

View original post 698 more words

Posted in Watercooler Chat

*WaterCooler Chat* IF You Had The Option To Get a Glimpse of 10 Years into the Future, Would YOU?>

Woke up at O’dark thirty(too early to even mention the time..) with this thought lingering in my mind..Probably a left over from whatever I’d been dreaming about..So anywho, that is the question of the day..IF you had the option to get a glimpse of 10 years into the future, would you? Wouldn’t it be great to get a look-see ahead?? Think of the things we could do differently IF that was the case! I’ll hold my other thoughts until tonight .. Should make for some really interesting conversations..


Posted in FABulous 50th B-Day!

**Happy 50th Birthday Lizzard!**

**There are those rare friendships that are effortless..**

Three decades..How can mere words express?
Out of all the beautiful friends I’ve met..
You’re always and still the best
Whenever I needed to call you
Even cross-country
I remember..

You’re always at the end of the phone
Whenever I encountered life’s troubles
I knew I wouldn’t face them alone
It’s easy to take for granted
Someone that is always there
Sometimes you miss the chance
To express how much you really care
It’s simple to forget all they do for you
How they’re a sister and a friend
And when times get hard & you’re knocked off your feet
They pick you up again!
Yes, I remember..

Lest you forget on this marvelous milestone birthday
I cling to our friendship in silent countless ways

There is a soothing closeness how I can be myself with you
Like slipping on an old familiar comfy pair of well-worn shoes
If I’ve indeed taken you for granted I do sincerely apologize
Knowing you’re in my world means more than you realize
Can’t help but remember..

All that you’ve been , done and are to me
And though I might forget to say
I appreciate dearly your love for me
Each and every single day
I love you always Sis!

Posted in Health Matters*, ~~FREE Flow of UNscripted Thoughts~~

How Safe Are We From Ebola in The United States?

I don’t know about y’all; but I’m a little more anxious about the U.S. Ebola situation as the days progress..Can’t lie I wasn’t thrilled to hear about the two American Ebola patients arriving on U.S. soil this summer..Even more unsettling was the first case of Ebola that showed up in Dallas this week..Dissemination of factual news/information can reduce hype, anxiety and reduce the spread of a disease like Ebola..IF it gets to that point..As with so many life instances a little knowledge can save our lives and provide us with peace of mind..So here are the facts I’ve picked up about Ebola>>

Is it possible for this disease to spread in the United States? Of course it is..Anyone who says it isn’t possible just isn’t being honest(or doesn’t know any better)..However, more than just the odds indicate it will probably not become a pandemic in the U.S. There ARE reasons ebola has spread so quickly in Western Africa…Life there is very different than life here..Culture, hygiene practices, customs(including washing the dead before burial; which btw has been a leading method for ebola to spread..) & the fact most can’t afford hospital care..All of that together perpetuated the rapid spread of the virus>>

Ebola Fast Facts

Ebola is not brand new..The first human outbreaks occurred in 1976..The virus is named after the Ebola River, where it was first recognized. There are 5 different strains ..All but one of the strains can cause illness in humans & animals(the 5th strain only affects animals)

Ebola is extremely infectious but NOT extremely contagious..An infinitesimillay small amount can cause illness..Because it isn’t transmitted via air, it is only considered moderately contagious

Humans can be infected by other humans IF they come in contact with body fluids from an infected person or contaminated objects from infected persons..Humans can also be exposed to the virus, by butchering infects animals…

Typically, symptoms appear 8 to 10 days after exposure, but incubation period can span 2 to 21 days…

Ebola is NOT transmissible if someone is asymptomatic or once one has recovered..BUT, the virus has been found in semen for up to 3 months…

According to the World Health Organization: The fatality rate can be up to 90%.