Ponder this…
**Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think? **
Sigmund Freud believed that mental illness came from ‘repressed emotions’ in the unconscious mind. He believed that release & acceptance of these denied or repressed emotions & memories were VITAL for mental health. If this emotional energy wasn’t released , Freud noted it led to physiological symptoms and illnesses…>> Memorized this many moons ago when I studied psychology..For some reason or other , this Freudian tidbit came to mind while reflecting on why my emotions free-fell to anger after watching a video clip last night..
A friend sent me a video clip last night..My first reaction to it was anger..Not seething; but full of passion! And immediate..So much so that I didn’t finish watching the clip until much later..Curiosity forced me to finally watch it. At the time I didn’t realize why it made me feel angry..I’ve not “personally” experienced the sentiment expressed in the video clip..Yet , I took it personally. It was hard to watch and swallow..As a Black woman it hurts to feel judged & stereotyped(as a group) by everyone–especially those that we’ve stood by ALL of our lives. Black men. I later realized my feelings of anger directly translated to ; my realization of the myriad of reasons the gap is getting larger @The disconnect between Black men & women. As a single Black divorcee that makes me “feeeeeel” sad, disappointed, abandoned, a sense of betrayal and yep, angry…Briefly! We’re all freeee to do who! or whatever we choose to do..But dang, dangit & dayuum why heave us under the bus! The description @Angry Black Woman has never been applied to me as an individual; but it doesn’t mean I can’t/don’t/and won’t express and feel anger from time to time..We live in a culture that views expressing anger as taboo. My personal belief? Holding it in & denying it isn’t good for our spirit..I’m hopeful to write more on that & this topic at a later date… So anyways, that led me to ponder/reflect/wonder why we feel the emotions we do..Just wanted to give a little backstory on the prompt of the thoughts that inspired this piece ..Again I pose the question@ ** Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think?**
I’m sharing the actual clip in the spirit of seeking insight..Curious what , if any, emotions are evoked when y’all take a peek. From any perspective..As a woman. As a man. Of any race..In my experience emotion transcends all..Especially the greatest which , of course, is love! But I digress and badly.. If you feel the need to share then just know this is an emotion-friendly zone! Let it flow…
Special thanks to my friend for , again, broadening my scope of knowledge
Berna's Vibe~The Way I See IT.... 
Well, as a black male, I have to admit that my first thought was to check on ticket prices for flights to Rio!!! (Just being honest). But I will also admit that much of what the men on the film revealed are more driven by being a Male, and not so much from being a Black Male (remember that male/female Venus vs Mars debate). I look at it as largely a patriachal dream, mixed with some self-hatred and the mind-set that the ‘other’ is better. Also, living in a society where the black male is often thought of as a walking predator, criminal, lazy and shiftless…need I continue?
But at the end of the day, we’re all victims of racial, gender, sexist stereotypes. Believe me, it was pretty painful to sit thru The Color Purple, For Colered Girls that Consider Suicide, and even how Stella had to go to Jamaica to get her Groove back (although I kinda liked the pajama party scene!! Lol)
Historically, blacks have tended to judge their success by the dominant culture standards, which sadly includes dominating women, being served by their mate regardless of how bad we treat them, and wanting to be ‘da man’, by having a white woman. Its a mindset born out of oppression and lack of self esteem, and poor examples of what man-hood really means.
Yes, black women have every right to feel anger and frustration. But it’s also wise to keep in mind that it goes both ways (just maybe not to the same degree). We all need to do better, and it begins with the family. I’m reminded how it was pointed out to me that as young boys, we’re given a wink and a nod from dads when the boy has several ‘girlfriends’ while young girls are cautioned to always be a lady. The rule of do as I say, and not as I do’ must end if we are to raise positive young men…which brings to mind the problem of absentee fathers…
Yes, the road ahead is stll long, and fraught with roadblocks and wrong turns. But we can only do our best to make our ancestors, who struggled and died under much worse conditions, proud…and prove that their suffering wasn’t in vain.
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Hey there Black Orpheus! I knew it was you before I’d read a full paragraph of your response..Welcome to Bernasvibe & especially cool to see you’ve shared your thoughts on this topic! ..Oh, will you send me a postcard when you finally make it to Brazil??? Anyways , as you probably figured, I’ve a couple questions …
@..”Historically, blacks have tended to judge their success by the dominant culture standards, which sadly includes dominating women, being served by their mate regardless of how bad we treat them, and wanting to be ‘da man’, by having a white woman. Its a mindset born out of oppression and lack of self esteem, and poor examples of what man-hood really means. ..”
Do you think most Black men realize this? If so, in your experience, what finally snaps them out of this type of behavior? (if anything..) Have you, since you acknowledge the above, had any experience mentoring others( peers, youth..) on what an example of what man-hood is?
@…”Yes, black women have every right to feel anger and frustration.But it’s also wise to keep in mind that it goes both ways (just maybe not to the same degree)..”
You commented that we all need to do better..Any suggestions for the frustrated women who have tired of these excuses for bad behavior?
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Hmmm, are there no ‘Good’ black men…are there no ‘Bad’ black women? Pointing without direction, leads to lost souls. Providing historical context may possibly lead to the birth of a newborn solution.
Though a short term solution, King found an answer to America’s civil rights inequality from the teachings of historical philosophers. Malcolm X found the truth and spoke with clarity once he left the NOI, and made his pilgrimage to Mecca.
Newborn intelligence will ultimately find guidance from analyzing the past. We must look back, like the African symbol of Sankofa, the bird that looked back in order to move forward.
Let us move the conversation forward. Quite possibly an unborn leader will come about to take the baton, and race toward mobilizing mankind to yet another step closer toward significant change.
An elder once explained to me that there was a saying among the radical thinkers of past movements, ‘Not everyone will have the capacity to lead, even less will have the courage to follow. But if the remaining class can simply take care of home, and teach the lessons of the past, and groom strong children that do not set us back by doing harm to those that can lead, who won’t discourage those brave enough to follow.
The first commandment to attaining progress: ‘Do no harm to thyself.’ This single simple lesson will greatly increase any chances for success.
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@..”Hmmm, are there no ‘Good’ black men…are there no ‘Bad’ black women? Pointing without direction, leads to lost souls…”
>>Yes, is my answer to your question….I know good! Black men exist(I don’t , personally know any that aren’t..Including you) and of course I realize that the opposite exists regarding Black women.
Again, as always, I sincerely thank you for your frankness, your well thought out comments, and expressing so eloquently from a wealth of experience & knowledge . It is appreciated!
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There is a lot of debate on the role and nature of emotions. are we ruled by emotions? Which emotions are real? It wasn’t until more recent in our collective history that the emotion of “love” came to exist. I for one believe in the power of emotions 🙂
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Waving Mimi..I always come away having learned something; when I read your blog thoughts..Nice to see you’ve stopped by to read mine as well..Thank you. Yay@believing in the power of emotions..I obviously co-sign! 🙂
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Hey there C.V.! ..This is going to be a 2 part response..First, in all fairness, I should’ve given more backstory on the video..There was an article released by Essence in 2006 called, Blame it on Rio, by 2 Sistas..It was evidently a negative piece directed at brothas & the ‘Frustrated’ video was in response to that..I can NOT lift it off the internet..Been sitting here trying..But what I did find were 2 brief articles regarding it. ..I’m posting the links here before I respond..I’ll break my response up in paragraphs also as it is long..51 yrs of feeling a certain way is alot to try to condense..Here are the links..
http://www.theroot.com/articles/culture/2008/07/dont_even_try_to_blame_it_on_rio.2.html
http://www.islandmix.com/backchat/f6/blame-rio-article-essence-black-men-traveling-brazil-sex-140825/
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I like what you said here – “Do we think a certain way because of the emotions we feel, or do we feel emotions because of how we think?” That’s pretty deep!!
(I’ll have to review the video later since I’m in a public setting now…)
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Hey there my Cali Sis! I can hardly wait for you to review the video..Really mean that..You may or may not be surprised at the content..I was! But it opened my eyes also..I’ve been on the auto-pilot for all my life to defend my Black brotha’s..That won’t ever change, because of that & IN spite of that ; seeing this felt like scalding water on my heart..Yep, not my skin my heart. Was so hoping you’d stop in to peek at this one! Look forward to your comments after your review..
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Okay, I just watched the clip. Man, oh man! Where to begin with this one? Actually I must say that hardly anything surprises me these days. No one wants a Black woman, at least that’s what we are led to believe.
I’ve heard so many people talk about how attractive Brazilian women are but I’ve never heard anyone mention that they are subservient which is what I think the very 1st guy in the video alluded to.
I don’t think I have the typical “Black woman attitude” (although I do have other issues. lol!), but my father always tells me that Black men have enough to deal with & shouldn’t have to come home & deal with our so-called attitudes. So if they meet other women (read: White women) who don’t give them as much lip, why wouldn’t they go the EASY route? I think this is all hogwash & that Black men should be willing to put up with us no matter what, but logically speaking I hear what my father is saying.
I will say that it is very disheartening that as much as we stand up for our Black men (Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown Jr., etc), Black men don’t do the same for us. Particularly when it comes to this domestic violence situation. Why aren’t any Black men speaking up on our behalf now? Why are they all posting videos of them taking an “ALS ice bucket challenge” but not against their women being beat? Why don’t they support us when we’re down?
I would write about it but I guess I don’t really like airing our dirty laundry like that. I just think it’s sad – they won’t date/marry us, don’t support us when we go thru something but we continue to show up/show out for them. =-(
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@..”No one wants a Black woman, at least that’s what we are led to believe. ..”
IF we were to believe the HYPE that is what we’d believe..It is tough to not let it evidently start to get old hearing it…Backintheday I don’t recall, at all, hearing such complaints aired in private, public , from celebrities, and certainly I don’t recall so many flicks from Black women & men attacking each other..I’m alot older than you; let me assure you at least from my personal experience..(which is all I can speak as an expert on) there is no lack of attention, onlookers or possible suitors..I think it depends on location as far as how big the pool is to pull from..Girl! Cali IS paradise for a Sista..But don’t get me started on the difference between here and there..As the brotha’s in the ‘Frustrated ‘ flick; we can only speak from our personal experiences or what we’ve been exposed to..Right? And I get that..My issue was /is the lumping all of US into one big group..Btw that is WRONG for men or women to do..From what I’ve heard that is exactly what the Sista’s did in the Essence , Blame it on Rio article..Which , like I said, I can’t find on the net to even read..
I’ve always known there were beautiful women in Brazil..Of African descent mind you..But I’ve heard the same thing about women from New Orleans..Heck , there are beautiful women all over the place..I don’t take issue with that or anyone wanting a subservient female mate(doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an active part in the relationship; just means majority of the time the MAN makes the final decisions..) ..To each his/her own…In ALL honesty that is called a traditional roled-marriage..And that is the type of marriage I was born into..I call it a pilot & co-pilot type of relationship..The MAN is the head of the household..Per the Bible also, right? It works ! But what was left out of that ‘Frustrated’ flick IS; that also means that the MAN knows/acts on HIS role also..Provider/protector/comforter/lover! I’m a ‘ride or die’ type of woman; but I’m not following someone who can’t lead..The roles need to be re-defined! And taught.. I’ve said this alot & I’ll say it one more time..I think it depends alot on how a person was raised..Depends on if they saw healthy love relationships with even loosely defined traditional roles..What I take issue with and have tyeeeeed of hearing is how difficult Black women in America are..Pfft! We all have issues..And usually folks who say they have NO issues? Have the most issues! Can’t have survived this life and still be pure/perfect as a newborn baby..Love IS finding a person to put up with your crap/issues & you with theirs! They say love is blind..But it really isn’t…We just learn to overlook and adapt to things instead of pointing out every flaw..What is the sense of being right all the time if it means being alone for life?
I know I keep speaking from a personal aspect..I can’t help it..But I know a great deal of stand UP brotha’s who stand up for Black women..Even going over and beyond..Without being asked…Alot…Matter of fact I don’t personally know any brotha’s who aren’t stand up guys..As for the domestic violence issue in Black relationships..Can’t say I ever experienced that but I’ve heard it exists..It is ONE of the things we just don’t talk about in the public. One of the reasons I decided to write on this topic was to see if we could , all, (men & women) tear down some of the walls between us. Can’t be any dirtier laundry then seeing men & women create movies about it..Has keeping it closeted really helped to bridge the gap?
I knew even watching that Frustrated flick it wasn’t ALL Black American men who felt that way..Yet, it hurt all the same..My clock is ticking(didn’t think I’d ever have to use those words!) & the pool seems to be getting smaller..We’ve lost alot of men to jail, those we have NO commonalities with, those that we aren’t attracted to, and now those who just don’t want to link up with a Sista and/or taking off for sexual vacations instead of relationships(has hedonism taken over???) ..Add to that at my age? Alot of them are married! Or believe it or not ; still wilding out in their 50s! Somehow I think, maybe its the nuturing part of a woman’s personality, even when it isn’t ‘our’ man; we look at them as our brotha’s! Ours..A form of ownership..However I heard something from a cool Black professor(who also happened to be a Catholic Priest) this summer, that comes to mind now..Our class was in the middle of a debate about social/cultural ills within the Black community at large..And he said “Just remember everyone with Black skin isn’t kin”…Problem is I wasn’t raised that way…Mayhaps it can explain why it hurt to see even strangers I’ll never meet say./feel such disparaging things about us; their Sista’s..
I’ve rambled on for far too long..I’m going to try to get a couple of my male friends to chime in their 2 cents! But don’t give up on hope Sis..I refuse to..
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Yes, I feel ya’. My clock is ticking is too (not to have children, but because I’m getting tired of being single). It’s just so hard because sometimes I feel like God is forgetting about lil ole me 😦 If I’m meant to stay single, so be it, I wish He would just let me know & remove the desire to be with someone else completely.
But, back to your point – I too believe in the pilot & co-pilot theory. I think the man is supposed to take the lead & I am here to be his “helpmate”. The problem is that I don’t meet too many men who would make good leaders. I don’t know what happened to my generation of men. And yes, even if I date older men – they are just trying to “get some” too & then I feel like I’m dipping into someone else’s dating pool. [I think I’ll write about that one day – dating men in someone else’s dating age range & whether or not I’m taking men away from older/younger women].
This is why I think feminism is doing us a disservice. Women are taking it too far & men don’t feel like they are in charge anymore. It’s sad 😦 I don’t want to bring home the bacon, be in charge or lead the household. I just don’t get why they aren’t stepping up. I also don’t understand why if they truly want a good woman, why they aren’t treating us they way we deserve to be treated. Aauugghh! I could write an entire essay on this topic.
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Lawd, reading this is like reading an essay from my younger self regarding this topic…Mirror image of the way I feel now almost verbatim..With a few exceptions..
Btw that is the same clock I’m talking about(I’ve got no other clock left..) God knows your heart & your desire..But? What I also feel is that said person who wishes ‘not’ to be single has to do their part as well..Change of venue or trying online dating scene or asking friends for potential hookups..etc etc..We can’t expect God to do all the work; regarding anything..Not saying that will or won’t work faster than just waiting; but least you’ll feel you’re doing something to help your situation.
There is NO politically correct dating pool girl…With the exception of married or taken already; everyone that YOU feel is a potential(things in interest, etc../attractive IS fair game.
As for feminism doing us a disservice..I’ve said that..I’ve said that I also think it had a great deal to do with break down of the family structure..Friend of mine auto-corrected me(and correctly so..) so now I’ll say I believe feminism had a part in family structural breakdown…I get frustrated everytime I write on that topic..Basically, you and I were raised by parents who believe in traditional role relationships..A woman serves, honors her husband and he treats her like a queen..Works perfectly…
Anyways, I’ve got to run..We’ll chat or write on this some more very soon….
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Okay, sounds good!
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