..”There are MANY things I feel I do very well..Accepting & dealing with DEATH of loved ones isn’t one of them”>>Quote by Bernadette(Berna)
I’D like this write to serve a two-fold purpose..To give tribute to my Dad’s younger sister(My Auntie) and to write-through-the-feelings-I’m-scrambling-struggling!-to-deal-with…I’D like this to serve as my carbon footprints for my future unborn grands & etc…Familial future generations so that they’ll be able to read pieces and memories of my Auntie GloriaAnn..To REMEMBER her with love, JOY, and to permit my words to paint a picture of who she was/IS forever..I am and will always be the eldest grandchild on my “maternal” side of my family tree. Even on the paternal side: My younger cousins look UP to me! A fact I didn’t know until the sudden-OH so sudden! passing of my auntie..I’m struggling to grieve properly and YET I don’t know what that even IS..I’m struggling to grieve and yet be STRONG for the 4 young women(my cousins) who just yesterday LOST their Mama in physical form. I do NOT know what that feeeeeels like to lose one’s Mama; and so I’m trying to stumble my way with grace towards being the person my younger cousins look UP to…Until the “passing” ceremony this weekend this post will serve as a diary of how I feel
I think GRIEF is something we don’t write about often..This is my 1st time. I think DEATH is something we don’t like to think about often..until WE(namely moi) are forced to. When it happens as it has now..This time without warning. Just letting my thoughts free flow..Friday , while at work I got news , suddenly!, that my Auntie was on life support. With NO brain activity. All of a sudden I felt as IF I’d been kicked in my tummy..I’d thought she was on the incline healthwise! She’d been out of the hospital for almost 2 months..My feelings rushed to me so suddenly , while at work, I could hardly get behind closed doors to GRIEVE..To grieve what in my heart of hearts I knew then was; coming. I recall back to Friday..Standing in front of my boss trying to keep STILL..Yet I danced around her office, behind closed doors, trying with all my might to fight back tears..It HURT so bad…I hadn’t gone with my parents to visit when news had come 2 months earlier my Auntie was very ill..I thought! I had TIME..So I went to work instead.>>
..TODAY every footstep feels like I’m lifting 1000 lbs. I usually have a PEP in my step and bounce/flutter about with the energy of the energizer bunny..But TODAY I had to literally force myself to act NORMAL. (what the heck is that?!) And I think I failed. Usually a bubbly laugh-out-loud smile a lot type of person and yet TODAY I just didn’t feel like it..But the few times I did? Felt SO goooood..and then I felt guilty! Aren’t I in mourning? Is that appropriate? I wore a Black dress to mark this period of mourning. Personally I think wearing black just made me SAD. I’m feeling so SAD. And it’s not a feeling I even know how to DO well anymore..How is it possible for the death of a family member to suddenly conjure UP all type of thoughts about; LIFE? Is that normal? I kept trying to chase the thoughts away , thoughts like, OMG please God allow me to do ALL that I want to do in this Life Journey! My thoughts gave birth to other thoughts..So I kept throwing myself into work. My normal turbo speed amped UP to feverish..Finally during lunch I sat in my car and had a conversation with GOD..Might sound crazy to y’all. But honestly? It IS my conversations with my God that keeps me SANE..
Can’t recall exactly verbatim the things I said/asked/begged! of GOD..But the chat went something like this..
God? Can you help me to help those in my family that need me to help them right NOW? Please? God? Can you help ME to know what are the right things to say of comfort to; my cousins who lost their Mama/to my Daddy whose now lost his 3rd sibling/to my Mom who is being strong for my Daddy/to my sons who never really got to know their Great-Auntie due to miles & miles/to my aunts & uncle who lost their sibling..Can you help me to get over the guilt of not visiting Aunt GloriaAnn when my parents recently went? I’m sure she knows I didn’t realize I was running out of TIME spent with her. God? Can you make the thoughts GO away of wondering how much longer I have with MY parents? Please allow us to spend more TIME..And God? Can you see that my family works hard to keep up our familial BONDS? I know that is a lot of requests; but I also know that with you all things are possible. So I thank you in advance…>>
I remember..I remember vividly the times I spent in my Auntie’s company..I remember her laughter ,robust and hearty, like mine! Laughter that came from the inside OUT..Not everyone can laugh like that; it’s a wonderful FREE feeling..Beautiful. I remember her spirit being beautiful. I don’t recall ever seeing her angry..Due to being a well-traveled Air Force brat; our visits “home” were always special to me. Familiar faces that I’ve known my entire life. ALL in one city..FAMILY. Familial bonds that are so very important to me..Now & always>>
**Question of the day for all: IF death is a natural part of this Life Journey; WHY is it so hard for us to accept with ease? WHY do we grieve IF it’s so dang natural? WHY can’t WE just be elated our loved one has moved on to the highest level of being? Isn’t that what WE as Believers Believe? >>
I think a sudden death of a loved one prompts us to have thoughts of LIFE; on purpose..It is my belief that is by design..Somehow through our grief & utter BEWILDERMENT; we’re to pull from this traumatic tragic instance something meaningful. My mind just can’t wrap my mind around this experience ANY other way. God lets nothing occur by accident; I’ve got to hold to my Belief in that! EVEN when it is something that pains me to “live through” Or to see my cousins/my Daddy “live through”..The part I think I’m(WE) aren’t supposed to lose sight of; is that we ARE living! I’d like to work hard to NOT have unfinished business with another loved one again..That is something I can do something about..We don’t get do-overs in this lifetime. Can’t rewind the tape/delete anything/backspace over the moments in life..All we can do is drive on in forward motion..I choose to do that every, single day! My daily mission? To touch as many folks as possible in a positive manner..Most days I accomplish that..My Auntie was a beautiful WARM loving person..She raised 4 lovely daughters pretty much single-handed. The sound of her laughter is something I won’t ever forget. Her big kool-aid grin is something I won’t ever forget..The time she told me she was proud of me I won’t ever forget..I’ll spend time getting to know her daughters better..I’m their elder cousin and that’s part of my JOB as a family member! I’ve fallen short on maintaining consistent contact in the past; BUT from this point forward I will NOT. I loved my Auntie and I’m very happy I got to spend TIME with her..My memories are ALL good of her..Not everyone can say that about a Loved One; but I can. The ironic thing about death is it makes me(us ) realize that 2morrow isn’t promised..My lesson learned from this loss? SEIZE the DAY…Carpe diem. Translation? * Pluck the day as it IS ripe.