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I didn’t think I’d get to the point of feeling the need to write-through-this-feeling..But, here I am feeling the need to do so. Warning for all that are squeamish(I am also! Very…) you might not want to read any further..Not quite sure what I’m about to let free flow..I’ve been told a list of possibilities from women friends who have had this surgery; a list that ranges from A to Z. And? What I’ve heard has me realizing what I’d been fighting off since 1st being diagnosed..I’ve never had surgery before. I’ve never taken any type of pain meds nor drugs..I’ve never been “under the knife” ..For weeks & weeks leading up to my August surgery I’ve kept my chin UP..Was almost certain that I wouldn’t give in to FEAR; for after all I am prayed UP..Yet here I am, it’s official, & no other way to say it than to say it. Hope this doesn’t mean I have to turn in my ‘Liberated Woman Card’ but I AM AFRAID>>

1st a little Berna101..I’m inquisitive by nature; and have been probably since birth. My Daddy said I was the kind of child who had questions upon questions about EVERYthing..Like, Daddy why exactly can’t we see the stars in the sky during the daytime? Huh, Daddy? Aren’t the stars still UP there? ..Well that little girl part of me still exists..IF there is an option of knowing or not knowing; I want to know. Prior to having my first son I asked my Mom ,”What IS labor going to be like Momma? Exactly HOW bad is it going to hurt? On a scale of 1 thru 10 what level of pain will I feel??? ” My Mom’s honest answer was “Every woman’s birthing experience is different. It will hurt ALOT. But the good news IS you’ll quickly forget once you see your baby..” My Mom has always been my point of first reference for all things WOMAN..Anything and everything I am as a Woman stems from my Mom..I’ve got traits just like her mixed with traits total opposite of her(my Dad’s traits I bear; like my AlphaNESS) So imagine a situation, for the first time in my life, that my Mom has no experience? Thank God for the wonderful other women in my life; to date I’ve only met 2 women who hadn’t had some sort of “feminine” surgery..WOW. That fact inofitself trips me out. I was a rarity at my age; yet didn’t even know it; until I was no longer>>

When the doctor described to me the surgery procedure? Its called a Robotic Assisted Vaginal Hysterectomy.(and just looking at the robot itself intimidates me; but I had to “see” what it looked like) I almost fainted! But I held my composure as best I could..I had a TON of questions on my mind..Since I’d told my female GYN doc/surgeon I did/do NOT want to be cut; and she then told me there was an option…My first question was , “But how exactly will you remove my female organs IF you don’t cut?” The answer puzzled me for a minute. What????? How is that possible? Will MY vagina get back to normal after THAT? OMG! Who in the world creates these type of surgeries? Surely there MUST be another option. My doctor assured me my questions/concerns were normal..Really??? She also assured me since the vagina can/does accommodate a baby’s head; it could most certainly accommodate removal of all of my female organs. ALL of my female organs need to be removed..I guess I need to keep saying that over & over; so that I knock off the wimpISH feelings of FEAR. For heaven’s sake! I’ve had 3 sons sans meds; I should be able to handle this WITH meds. And though I’ve never been medicated; for this? I want to be FULLY knocked the heck out..Actually being awake for this isn’t an option. Good! God just wake me UP when it is over..>>

I’d like to take a moment here to STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF EXCELLENT HEALTH CARE and the option for ALL to have healthcare in our country. This robotic surgery is highly expensive! It is also the LEAST invasive way to undergo a necessary hysterectomy. Which also means the recovery time will be LESS(due to not having to be cut) and allows for the surgeon to navigate in the small crevices of a woman’s internal parts. I don’t know any other way to say it; than to say it. These are the reasons I chose this option. If there is any woman reading this that has had to go through many years of “feminine issues”(translation extreme PAIN during periods); I can’t stress enough the importance of annual pap smears. It was crucial in my diagnosis..and after test after test after probing after more probing and waiting for test results; I am SO ready for this to be over. I’m not fooling myself by acting like I’m not fearful..Fear of the unknown I think is normal. I won’t lie to myself; and I’ve no interest in faking other people out. Strong as I’ve discovered I am; I’m also human. I’m thankful to all the shared experiences that my women friend have shared; after all I did ask! However I think , finally, I am at my MAX of hearing the particulars. IF there is anything else I need to be warned of; after WHAT I heard today(the MOTHER of all after-effects) I’m setting my curiosity to rest…Putting my life into the hands of a surgeon and a robot! isn’t something I look forward to. But it makes NO sense to wish for that not to be the case; it is what it IS. The option? To live in pain plus fear of the “mass” being Cancer; and I refuse to live in FEAR. The good news? Is when it is all over and done with; I won’t have to EVER ‘eva contend with this type of pain again. More good news? I’ll be jolted into menopause so I can get OVER that hump & deal with it..Plus? My family doc turned me onto what is called ‘bio-identical hormones’; so I won’t be dealing with synthetic hormones. Hopefully after enough women know about ‘bio-identical hormones’; it can become conventional treatment & insurance companies will cover it. And the last bit of good news? Post-surgery I’ll be able to blog ALL about how I pulled through surgery with flying colors! Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted and blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna(the 1 & ONLY)