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Going to try my BEST to writemywaythroughthis..feeling. IF this exercise fails; it won’t be for lack of trying. Ever had one of those days when it took all you could muster; to not free fall ? Can’t say , thankfully! , that I have days like this often…But something I text chatted to someone a little earlier this evening ; made me stop to think..And to just exhale. And! to admit to myself that OMG ..I’ve been on the  MOTHER  of all roller coasters  ride of emotions this past 3 weeks..And this evening I finally allowed myself to CRASH. The something I said earlier in the text chat? (ended like this….)”……..I know God is watching over me n my decisions I think they call this Faith and I really do but I am still human…Very much so”>>>

Setting= My new lovely, beautiful home   Mood=Perplexed! Agitated…    Ambiance=Soft R & B playing in the background, dim lighting, & a cazillion scented candles LIT   Scent in the air= Heavenly

Feeling a feeling that I can hardly wait to get to the other side of…I’m fighting to get to the other side of it..I’m my biggest cheerleader yet I’m not feeling like having my usual PEP rally tonight..I’ve been known to say I’m my OWN best therapist/my OWN form of self-advertisement/my OWN very best friend; yet tonight I’m wondering how the heck much my GOD thinks I can handle at one time? I mean, really!, how many balls can one person juggle before they crash? I’m just a woman, and one that is far from perfect, and so very human . No matter how much we women attempt! to play superwoman; we have to from timetotime admit to Self we just can’t handle all things by ourselves. I’m feeling that tonight, for a brief moment in time, I don’t wish to be the one holding the reins>>

Riddle me this..Whats the better scenario? Usually being in an UPlifted mood & only experiencing “funks” once-in-a-blue-moon? OR experiencing “funks” so often it comes as NO shock ? Which is easier to handle? I know which I prefer, of course I prefer usually riding on my natural HIGH; but right about now even I can’t seem to shake this monkey off my back. And I’m too! stubborn to just go to sleep to sleep it off..yet. Feeling the need to mark this moment , leave my carbon footprints, so that next time I’m feeling like this(which I pray! is a long time from NOW) that I have a momento left; on how I got through it. My OWN written how-to-get-through-a-funk ! manual…Yep, my own best therapist even for future days. Talk about taking DIY to an entire new level…>>

The odd thing about this day? The totality of IT didn’t hit me till I sat in my car leaving work earlier tonight…Suddenly it was as if my heart was going to explode. I probably shouldn’t have driven like that. I could hardly see past the tears. IF anyone saw me they’d probably thought I ‘d just heard of a death in my family or something tragic..Something earth-shattering. Something life altering. Something emotionally traumatizing. Something jeopardizing my very existence here on earth…I hadn’t just! gotten any such type of news. Not just; but over the past 3 weeks or so? I’d gotten every single bit of that; in bits & pieces..and it slowly seeped out of me on my car ride homes..the bits & pieces flowed like air from a deflating balloon. I think I hit it.. My MAX >>

Mayhaps days like this are meant to B for people like me…So that I don’t forget how blessed I truly AM. How very loved that I am. How very cherished I am. And how good God & life IS..Is that possibly why we are to endure pain? So that we might have that much sweeter days & appreciate the many beautiful moments? IF there was no comparison, what would be the measure for good vs bad moments? Would good times exist without bad times? My perplexed state has me wondering so, so many things..and probably most of them questions that can’t be answered…Just lived. Experienced. Treasured. The good for the preciousness that good in anything provides us. The bad for the meaningful lessons we learn. OR are supposed to be learning & evolving! constantly & consistently. I hate when I’m in a mood that my questions yield more questions..But here I am. Struggling to get to the other side of this feeling>>

The UPshot? Its a GREAT thing I’m single ; for IF I had a man right now..I’d be awful company for him tonight. So hooray! he gets to miss this part of the ride..And tomorrow is a brand NEW day. Tomorrow I won’t forget to bring pain pills to work, again. Tomorrow I will be back to my normal natural high laughing smiling self whose laughter out loud! causes people to say *shush, be quieter!* Tomorrow I will forget the tears I cried yesterday..a release of sorts that actually felt good for a minute. I think every once in a while we ALL could use a good cry..When every pore in our body just feels like SCREAMING; because screaming feels like the right thing , the only thing, to do at the moment. No woe is me’s for me; just don’t have time for that; not tomorrow. Because tomorrow is a brand new day..Tomorrow I’ll leap out of the bed , as usual, ready! always eagerly seeking whatever new adventure unfolds…So I had to put on my be-a-big-girl-panties-tonight..Truth be told its nights like this that I miss! having a man at my side whose loving arms I can fold myself into…I look forward to those times again..Its close! I just know it is. Its time to blow the candles out & lay this day to rest. The good news? I made it & still standing. Knees buckled for a  minute, but I think that makes me human. Very much so…Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed for even on days like this WE are blessed. 4 ever sincere, Berna(the 1 & only)