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Last night I faced a dilemma..I was feeling something totally new/didn’t know how to move through IT gracefully/wasn’t sure if I liked the way it felt..So I made a conscious decision. Want to know what it WAS? Stay tuned because might just be something U can use from time to time. Because guess what? IT worked wonders for me!  Here I go…So what” had” happened last night WAS>

So last night here I was feeling, and feeling! antsy, pent UP, and just couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was feeling that way. Here I was.. my first week of being in my new  place, and I was still excited from that(I love my place, just love it) and yet I wasn’t feeling quite …right. I’ve become so used to being on a constant natural HIGH; that I didn’t know how to get a grip on it. I thought about calling a friend to vent & dump HOW I was feeling on them. And yet…>

…how was I going to express that I didn’t know what the heck was disturbing my groove? And I didn’t feel quite right dumping on anyone that I care about anyway! Ever had a friend call you & just dump all their stuff on you; and you were in a good mood prior? Then all of a sudden what happens? Now you’re in a funky mood too! I often find myself taking on another’s problems ..as IF I can possibly help them solve their issue-at-hand. As IF I could possibly say a sugary soft word or phrase to make things better for them..And as my mind was going over this scenario; should I call someone to just vent & whine about..about ..about what??? And then my mind began to go down the long list of friends I could call, another decision!, who was I going to call to do this great honor? of dumping my don’t-know-whats-bugging-me-but-something-IS type of mood. Right smack in the middle of all this thinking & thinking & overthinking it hit me. I suddenly knew what was wrong. I was alone. Very much alone. Not feeling lonely; just feeling ALONE. I stopped mid-thought(another thought..) and let that realization flow down over my BEing. What do I do with this ..feeling? I decided to do a very grown UP thing..I decided to ride it out & roll with the feeling of being; ALONE>

Reflective thought phrases were running rampant in my mind..I am totally ALONE..It had been a long time since I’d not been around either my parents, my sons, my exhusband, my exboyfriend,my friends, my coworkers..ALONE. I’d been waiting for this moment for a minute now; should I not be doing cart wheels? And why am I sitting here fully clothed? OMG I can run around butt-naked if I please. Had I forgotten how to do even that? Where is my Black Book I can call someone up..wow, I don’t even have a Black Book anymore. WtH? All at once I wanted to do sooo many things all at once..I ran to the closet to get my hula-hoop; I swung that around for a minute to the beat of the music.(I always have music somewhere in my background…) Oh, enough of that I ran to grab my free weights; played around with them for about 20 mins. Alright now what? Maybe I’d walk to the gym; but its TOO dark outside. Hmmm unpacked a little bit, tossed a load of clothes in the wash, put dishes away, danced!…now what? Stopped  to see if the feeling of something-isn’t-perfect-in-my-world was gone. Nope, still there slightly…I was fighting off the urge to call and dump on a friend, still. Maybe I should write this out to ride this feeling out…BUT I didn’t feel like blogging . Wow, that was the first time that had happened in my brief blogging life. I felt like jumping on a trampoline, dancing!, swimming 10 laps, running a couple miles; ALL this pent UP energy. I need to release..>

I was glad I fought through the urge to call a friend or loved one with THIS…Even for someone like me, a people-loving social butterfly who LOVES to talk, there are times when words can’t be expressed …Sometimes one has to fill-in-the-blanks with quietness & stillness & yep, ALONEness. I’m far too loved to ever feel lonely; this I know and feel in my heart of hearts. And being loved is a wonderfully wonderful fabulous feeling. It IS irreplaceable and precious. Last night I learned how to ride through a feeling that didn’t quite feel good at first; and yet after I rode fought! through it I felt good just because I had! I hadn’t used the safety net of a loved one to drown out a natural normal feeling. What I feel I learned last night is that sometimes even a bad feeling ..can result in something good. Hows that y’all might ask? Because I think more than likely folks that can’t stand to be alone; rush into relationships just so they won’t be alone. But…who wants to be a part of someone’s life that doesn’t like themselves enough to spend time alone? If one doesn’t like/love themselves; how can one expect anyone else to? Yea, I had some deep thoughts last night & many days. I’m still, even at almost 50 yrs of age, learning myself and what it takes to keep me satisfied/content/HAPPY majority of the time. I’m learning that is a lifelong & most necessary process…That is one of the most beautiful things about this life. Well, thats all for now folks. Until I read/write y’all again stay UPlifted & blessed. 4ever sincere, Berna (the 1 & only)