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seize

…there is a story that fuels this sentiment..As usual never, ever, eva!, a dull moment in my colorful  life journey..

>I chose this topic early this morning before heading to work. My main focus at that time was to NOT free-fall emotionally; for I received bad news at my Doctor visit yesterday. My intent for this day was to live this day to the fullest. That isn’t just a cliche; its a concerted effort from folks like me who refuse to let “happenstance” bring us DOWN. And then I came home from work…BAM. My world, my reality was jolted even moreso than the day before. My mood tonight?=Pensive. Yet fighting to stay UPbeat & eyes glued to the positive part of *the here & now* I need to release a few thoughts. Let them GO..Hope someone out there will catch them>

I feel a free flow of thoughts coming..Here goes…So, yesterday after 2 years of tests after tests! I heard the dreaded words from my Doc that NO one wants to hear..Unless they’re twisted; and I’m far from that state of being. Anyways, she(my Doc) looked at me with great, big deer eyes(open WIDE) and said” I need you to know how important this IS. We need to move quickly on this to find out what IT is; to rule out that it isn’t Cancer. It is either Cancer or…& the latter we can take care of with a procedure or operation..blah blah & alot of medical terms that I have NO clue what the hell they meant..*We then both stood there staring at each other; while I quickly tried to figure out how I was going to respond. I figured I had  options on how to respond =  a. Faint b. Call my Mom! c. Cry d. Faint e. Cry some more & yell & scream f. Call my God to beg! him not to let it be Cancer g. Ask my Doc to explain to me , indepth, what step was next & what step was after that & so forth . BUT , in my heart of hearts, what I really wanted to do was to say…You are wrong because this simply can’t be happening to ME/I’m healthy! as I’ve ever been/I’ve been drinking nasty green raw vegetables for NINE dang months to be even healthier/I work out twice a day/I take vitamins every day/I want a RE-test..>

But I said none of that..And as I blinked away tears that I refused to let fall(for I was afraid I’d not stop..) she said basically ” Don’t allow yourself to trip, you knew it was *something* this just confirms your suspicions. And the good news IS you’re strong, healthy, positive, and we’re going to take care of this” And she was right. Fainting wasn’t an option nor crying like a baby nor calling my Mom like a 2yr old nor falling the heck apart..Then she asked me how *attached* I was to my female parts. I thought about the attachment I had to that special place I’d carried my most treasured achievements; my 3 wonderful grown sons. That *special place* is a momento! a souvenir of sorts..and yet I told her IF it comes to that then take it. I’ll still be a woman without it, right? >

It needs to be said I love my life; absolutely every single thing about it..I’ve fought to get here & I’ll dayum sure fight to stay here. Exclamation point. Period..Nevertheless last night, with this new fresh reality, was surreal. I was emotionally exhausted by time I laid my head down..prayed UP & surrounding by the love of my parents  and just ready to sleep it off. Tomorrow , which was today, was a brand new day. I woke UP ready to focus on the beautiful weekend ahead of me..Its Mothers Day weekend! I’ve sent my card to my exMominLaw early/Bought my Mom a beautiful Gift/Bought my God Mom a lovely card/plus! Sunday is also my parents 51st, yep 51 years in love, anniversary/Plans on top of plans planned for the entire weekend..I just don’t have time to focus on this new reality until the next test on Tuesday morning>

On my way to work this morning I sat in 15 mins of bumper2bumper stand-still traffic..While people were rubber-necking to see an awful accident..A person was being taken out of a car with the jaws of life; which is NEVER a good thing. As I passed the wreckage; I quickly turned away. A person deserves their dignity! in such incidents; and then I prayed for them. And I also said a quiet thank you to my GOD..that it wasn’t me in that car. Thank YOU God for my situation could be worse. I’m still here. I’m still standing. And I know, I feel!, in my heart of hearts, this isn’t Cancer..I just know IT. I’ve not worked this hard to get to this here & now to stop fighting now. I refuse. And from that point on allll day long I smiled & smiled & smiled..I fought off a couple anxiety attacks during the day; moments where my tummy felt like butterflies were having an awful fight in there. I won that fight. Then I attended a seminar at work that I’d pre-registered for couple days prior. *The Power of Positive Thinking* Wow, how timely cause I needed an extra boost on this day. The LifeCoach that was the guest speaker was outstanding..I clearly understand & could relate to all she said. Hell, I was living IT. She confirmed for me what I already had learned to live…that WE have a choice whether to be negative or positive/that being positive at times of crisis takes concerted but DOable effort/that being positive has a WEALTH of health benefits including! the fact that stress ages people(that point I brought up cause I refuse to ever look my age..Black don’t crack till its DEAD) /that positive people are more successful/that surrounding oneself with other positive people helps to keeeeep a person positive. WOW confirmation can certainly be a goooood thing & of all days I needed it today. Quickly added the LifeCoach to my Network circle & I do plan on maintaining contact with her.*Feel Good Moments of today*=My youngest son called me, as usual, just to say I love you Mom! My eldest son emailed with pics from Chile visit with his PHD cohorts. My X called from Cali to tell me he’s thinking of me-calls me Beautiful in a way that still melts my heart & makes my temp rise-& that he’s missing me still… Throughout the day any & every woman I shared with either; a. shared her OWN story of female-health-issue-surgery-triumph!-still-standing-story or gave me tons of encouragement, hugs! & love. How amazing & beautiful a thing it IS when women bond & talk & share..WE truly should do it more often..Had it not been for the suggestion from my boss on the test I took yesterday?( When God moves he moves in miraculous ways..) I’d still be “unknowing of the unknown that I now know”. I sure hope that makes sense to y’all cause I can’t express it any other way>

So anyways after an entire day of not tripping on my new reality/on STOPPING all negative thoughts that tried to steal my JOY/on fighting off anxious feelings of questions and what IFS and shyt! that I just can’t/won’t know till after more tests next week..I discover my Mom had a heart-attack scare today. And it was serious enough of a scare that her lovemate/husband/lifemate of 51 yrs, my Daddy, called an ambulance. With 2 new cars sitting in the garage. OMFG..all day I never knew. And here I’d been thinking of me allll day and my situation which might end UP not even being a Cancer situation…and my beloved Mom/one of 2 parents who know me better than ANY one else in the world & love , love! love me for ME/bestfriend in the whole wide world was IN the hospital being tested & tested & tested.  I was instantly glad I hadn’t tripped on my own crap ; cause it instantly seemed TRIVIAL in comparison>

That was/IS personal. I shared because I hope someone out there gets the message..I shared because I always feel a  much-needed release when I write it out vs venting to someone and dumping my stuff on them..I shared because beautiful people shared things with me & that is going to help me to make my prognosis happen quicker. I shared because I feel WE don’t live on an island-WE are all linked to one another-WE are supposed to share to help one another..even when it hurts to say or see the words shared. I think God thinks I’m stronger than I am. I hope I can rise to his expectations and prove I’m as strong as he thinks. Tomorrow is a new day. A chance for a new beginning & smiles & laughter shared with our loves ones/friends..~Carpe Diem~